What A Nightmare!

Sub-consciencely that is. Over the last month I have been having countless nightmares. Some that wake me to crying and some that just stir me enough to where I feel like I haven't rested. These nightmares are all over the place but have a common theme. Death and destruction. The main idea of them is that I find myself dealing with the fact that I am not healed of sickness and disease. I have these dreams that my body is not recovering and then when I wake up the next day the enemy tries to bring symptoms that back up the dreams he has sent my way. Obviously a complete lie.


I haven't felt the release to blog about this until now because I have truly been able to overcome this current attack. And I am still overcoming, but it's starting to make me righteously mad! It's funny, in the day, I have the Word and can use every ounce of authority that God has given me and fight off the devil and his schemes and he knows it. But in the night when I am not awake he is trying to find new ground to conquer. So each morning I wake, I take up my sword and my shield of faith and keep on going! Some of these dreams have been about people I don't even know, which is a dead give away that it's the enemy torturing me. Totally random and really quite ridiculous.

We had a guest pastor in last weekend and since then I can't seem to settle my spirit, in a good  way. His challenge was based on Nehemiah. The summary, Nehemiah got a report about a certain city and it moved him so much that it stopped him in his tracks and he fell to his knees and wept and prayed and within the next 52 days of his life he went in and completely changed this city and made a huge difference in the Kingdom of God and the lives of the people. He found the thing that moved him and he went after it with all of his heart.

I have had God speak to me different bits and pieces of what it is that moves me. Of what it is that drops me to my knees and makes me want to cry and make a difference in the Kingdom and in the lives of others. But I can't seem to put it all together and get to that place where it makes sense to be able to move and go with it.

The main thing that keeps surfacing is the fact that I all of sudden have this overwhelming compassion for the sick. I know, your saying, duh, because of what you've been through, why wouldn't you. Well that's part of it, but 99% of it is because I have died to myself and my agenda and my way of thinking therefore God has given me a heart of mercy and compassion that I never had before. This is gonna sound really bad but I have never, ever been known for my gift of mercy and compassion.

Yesterday, I was moved by the Holy Spirit to go and visit a friend in the hospital. It was quite awesome because I went there for the first time in a long time by choice not because I had to! I went in with great courage and strength and then I couldn't get out of there fast enough before I completely lost it. I called Chad to process what I was feeling. I was angry, sad, frustrated, feeling hopeless and confused. I couldn't handle seeing all of those people sick and not walking in everything that God has for them. I know that this was God's heart and burden being expressed in and through me.

Romans 8:26, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

We cannot believe that God, Himself doesn't grieve over the things that He has paid the price for, that He has laid down His life for and doesn't see coming to pass in our lives and the lives of others. He is interceding for us with GROANS that words cannot express. That is a deep, deep expression.

I don't like to feel what I felt yesterday, but you know what, it is causing me to move towards that which God has called me to do. Just like Nehemiah, that was God in him causing him to be moved with compassion. It was painful for Nehemiah to feel that, but it made him move forward and make a difference, a huge difference. I want to do that, no matter how bad it hurts.

Just one more thing, last night was our Engage the Spirit worship night. I had made a deal with God that if I drew near to Him, that He would do His part and draw near to me by way of the symptoms I deal with when I am singing etc. I know, bold. However, I was holding God to His Word and He most certainly came through. My desire was to lead with boldness and authority. Well during the 3rd song of the night all the power went out and the next song on the list was one that I was to lead, "No Sweeter Name". So we all gathered, in the dark, around the stairs, guitars, singers and congregation and we began to sing as one voice. Really the congregation led me! It was so amazing, not what I pictured, but I led with authority and the Name of Jesus was exalted. On top of that, I had no symptoms last night! I felt so free physically, emotionally and mentally. Thank You Jesus.

So I guess, what I am saying or trying to say today is that I am feeling the urgency to move and to walk out and to put into action that thing in me that has caused me to stop and weep and pray like Nehemiah did. I am praying that God will allow me to put it all together to where He can be glorified and the next leg of this journey I am on can began.