Barely Hanging On

I am currently sitting in my glider rocking chair in the bay window of my bedroom, looking at the beautiful Christmas tree that we decided to put in our bedroom for the first time ever at Christmas. So two Christmas trees this year, love it! I so love this time of year. Family gathering, good food (or food that we attempt to make good in my case;), cold weather, fires, the reminder that there is always something to be thankful for and the very hope of our existence coming to life, Jesus.

I am writing today, not because I have completely got things under control, but because I am in the process of getting there and I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to share my process with you. I just spent pretty much my whole workout this morning crying and fighting my body, my mind and you know who. Every song that's played on my playlist has been perfect to help me overcome. Every scripture that I have confessed this morning has set me up for a win, yet I don't feel like I'm winning or in the least bit overcoming. Please tell me I'm not the only one who goes through this.

After the vitamin D toxicity report, I was told that I am extremely anemic ( a 6 and I should be over 15). I was told iv iron or do supplements until we can get things built back up. Long story short, I went to my doc knowing that God wanted me to get off of my acid reflux meds. Well come to find out acid reflux meds can cause iron deficiency so my doc and I were in full agreement that this is the next step in the process, get off of acid reflux meds, get my iron up. If we can do this, then maybe the next med to come off of will be the blood pressure meds, as my blood pressure shouldn't be so low if I can retain iron etc. Then what's left is adrenal meds and then the beloved benzo :). Forward progress. We are about 3 weeks into this process now.

For the last two months I have had nothing but symptom after symptom attacking me. Dizziness so bad the walls have been holding me up. Every part of my body tingling and making me feel like I can't walk or drive or take care of my precious boys (yet I am still doing all of this). Burning nerves, you name it. For the last two months, I feel like all I do is strive to survive everyday. I am literally exhausted by the end of the day in my mind, body and spirit because I feel as though I am having to be constantly on guard. Against my own mind, my body, the enemy...I have been trying to pretend like everything is normal and that I can do this. Fighting the mind war of this is all my fault that I feel this way. I don't want to burden my husband, my family, my friends. I can go to Stone Mountain and climb it (which I did!), I can do Thanksgiving, I can get my house decorated for Christmas...I can do this, I can do that, there's nothing go on. But there is and I am admitting right now that this is the first time in over a year that I am having to fight fear and keep fighting and hanging on to the promises of God. The truth is my body feels wrecked, no matter what I do, it feels wrecked and broken and I am tired. I don't want to fight, I don't want to overcome, I just want to lay in my bed and give in if I'm honest. BUT GOD WON'T LET ME. My spirit man as tired as it is, is still strong enough because I have been diligently seeking Him and His Word and no matter how wrecked this body is, my spirit overrides everything even if it's just barely.

Here's the scripture that God lays on me...Psalm 71:14, " But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more."

Here's what I hear Him saying to me through this, " Mandy, don't lose hope, not now, keep at it, the worse you feel, the more you need to praise Me. The more defeated you feel, the more you need to praise Me. The more you feel in your body, the more you need to feel Me and know that I am here, that I will deliver you. I am for you, not against you. The more out of control you feel, the more in control I AM."

And my response with full on tears, " Okay, but I can't even do this without Your help Jesus. I need to know Your grace is sufficient. I need to know that Your promises are alive and active in me. That healing is not a feeling."

There are so many of you who are going through such great struggle and don't feel like He is there. I feel completely ungrateful and stupid (if I can say this word) for even typing the majority of this in comparison of what I know a lot of you are going through right now in your life. I mean this, so don't feel bad for me, this is not why I blog, you all know that.

So my fork in the road, my crossroads...to hope or not...to trust or not...to overcome or not...to praise Him even more or not. You all know my answer. I can't go back, I won't go back, I will keep moving forward and trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding even if it's through tears and discomfort. It's harder to do this today, but you and I both need to know that it's still possible. Even if it's just barely, it still counts.