Oh the doubt...oh the fear! Constantly trying to take me down with them! Yesterday after I posted, I got a call from my doctors to discuss a few things that we need to move forward with at this point. First thing, they have put me on a wean plan for the benzo drug that I have been on (the type that can land you in rehab if you stay on it to long) for upper body spasms etc. It's been time to do this for a while and a lot of what I am going through may be attributed to me being on it for too long already. Second thing, instead of another heavy drug, they want me taking some over the counter stuff for the vertigo issues that I can't seem to shake.
I am so encouraged on one hand to be moving forward and to be free from some of this worldly stuff that doesn't need to be in my system. But on the other hand, I am nervous about what may happen in the midst of the wean and what this medication has been covering up to this point. You know what I'm saying? I know, it's a little double minded.
While I know that God is in control and has always been in control of my life, even in the times when it seemed I had at least a little control, the reality of Him holding me and being completely at the mercy of His hands hit me. You might be asking me, " Why is this a bad thing?". Well, obviously, it's not. As I was talking with Chad after speaking with the doctor, I was crying and told him, " I don't know why I'm afraid that the reality that I am completely at God's mercy scares me." Chad, being the wise man that he is ;-), said, " Well I do." He began to lay out some of the situations that we have walked through where we have seen people at the mercy of God and it hasn't always ended the way that we thought was the best. Again, our definition of good compared to God's definition of good. Anyway, that made since to me. I had my moment and then got back to being dead to myself and just re-submitted myself to Him and His hands of mercy, whatever the outcome.
I was talking to one of my sisters and she had some Holy Spirit led stuff to say to me. I told her that I felt bad that I was nervous about this new transition and she said it's like a soldier who has been trained for battle, but the minute they are called to action, even though they have all the training they need to win the battle, their heart still flutters, their adrenaline still starts pumping and they get a little nervous before the actual fight. I thought this was such a word to me! God has been equipping me and preparing me to trust Him all this time, but now it's really being put to the test and I had my moment of nervousness and fear, but now it's time to use my training.
I know Him, so I can trust Him. I have to use the Words that I have been hiding in my heart and just trust that they are living and active in my life to an even greater degree and not worry about the outcome of this battle. God knows the outcome and that should be good enough for me. I have died to myself and taken up His agenda. I know I can do this! I know that I can overcome the fear and doubt! I have all the weapons and am equipped for battle! God is worthy of our trust.
Psalm 56:3+4, " When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid."
So, yes, I can do this! I will not forget God's Word and all that He has promised. I will continue to believe that my desires are becoming one with His and that the outcome is good. I can't compare my situation to others. I have to believe that God can heal...period...no matter what that healing looks like.
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