Barely Hanging On

I am currently sitting in my glider rocking chair in the bay window of my bedroom, looking at the beautiful Christmas tree that we decided to put in our bedroom for the first time ever at Christmas. So two Christmas trees this year, love it! I so love this time of year. Family gathering, good food (or food that we attempt to make good in my case;), cold weather, fires, the reminder that there is always something to be thankful for and the very hope of our existence coming to life, Jesus.

I am writing today, not because I have completely got things under control, but because I am in the process of getting there and I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to share my process with you. I just spent pretty much my whole workout this morning crying and fighting my body, my mind and you know who. Every song that's played on my playlist has been perfect to help me overcome. Every scripture that I have confessed this morning has set me up for a win, yet I don't feel like I'm winning or in the least bit overcoming. Please tell me I'm not the only one who goes through this.

After the vitamin D toxicity report, I was told that I am extremely anemic ( a 6 and I should be over 15). I was told iv iron or do supplements until we can get things built back up. Long story short, I went to my doc knowing that God wanted me to get off of my acid reflux meds. Well come to find out acid reflux meds can cause iron deficiency so my doc and I were in full agreement that this is the next step in the process, get off of acid reflux meds, get my iron up. If we can do this, then maybe the next med to come off of will be the blood pressure meds, as my blood pressure shouldn't be so low if I can retain iron etc. Then what's left is adrenal meds and then the beloved benzo :). Forward progress. We are about 3 weeks into this process now.

For the last two months I have had nothing but symptom after symptom attacking me. Dizziness so bad the walls have been holding me up. Every part of my body tingling and making me feel like I can't walk or drive or take care of my precious boys (yet I am still doing all of this). Burning nerves, you name it. For the last two months, I feel like all I do is strive to survive everyday. I am literally exhausted by the end of the day in my mind, body and spirit because I feel as though I am having to be constantly on guard. Against my own mind, my body, the enemy...I have been trying to pretend like everything is normal and that I can do this. Fighting the mind war of this is all my fault that I feel this way. I don't want to burden my husband, my family, my friends. I can go to Stone Mountain and climb it (which I did!), I can do Thanksgiving, I can get my house decorated for Christmas...I can do this, I can do that, there's nothing go on. But there is and I am admitting right now that this is the first time in over a year that I am having to fight fear and keep fighting and hanging on to the promises of God. The truth is my body feels wrecked, no matter what I do, it feels wrecked and broken and I am tired. I don't want to fight, I don't want to overcome, I just want to lay in my bed and give in if I'm honest. BUT GOD WON'T LET ME. My spirit man as tired as it is, is still strong enough because I have been diligently seeking Him and His Word and no matter how wrecked this body is, my spirit overrides everything even if it's just barely.

Here's the scripture that God lays on me...Psalm 71:14, " But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more."

Here's what I hear Him saying to me through this, " Mandy, don't lose hope, not now, keep at it, the worse you feel, the more you need to praise Me. The more defeated you feel, the more you need to praise Me. The more you feel in your body, the more you need to feel Me and know that I am here, that I will deliver you. I am for you, not against you. The more out of control you feel, the more in control I AM."

And my response with full on tears, " Okay, but I can't even do this without Your help Jesus. I need to know Your grace is sufficient. I need to know that Your promises are alive and active in me. That healing is not a feeling."

There are so many of you who are going through such great struggle and don't feel like He is there. I feel completely ungrateful and stupid (if I can say this word) for even typing the majority of this in comparison of what I know a lot of you are going through right now in your life. I mean this, so don't feel bad for me, this is not why I blog, you all know that.

So my fork in the road, my crossroads...to hope or not...to trust or not...to overcome or not...to praise Him even more or not. You all know my answer. I can't go back, I won't go back, I will keep moving forward and trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding even if it's through tears and discomfort. It's harder to do this today, but you and I both need to know that it's still possible. Even if it's just barely, it still counts.

TOXIC, Yet Again!

This year has been amazing! I have been taking back what the enemy came to steal from me and living life and still am to the most that I can! I thank God every day for that. Over the last year we have been keeping checks and balances in place with supplements and some medications that have been necessary. With that, I have been getting routine blood work to keep everything in check etc. It's been a bit of a roller coaster learning to balance all the supplements etc. There have been a few times, like now where I have become toxic in a particular area and I have to adjust and start over etc. and the cycle continues.

Over this last month, I started experiencing some things physically that I knew were linked to a chemical imbalance in my body. Extreme vertigo, exhaustion, nausea, headaches...the list goes on and on. Just yuck! Well, I have felt this before and so I initiated my routine blood work knowing full well that my vitamin D would be way over what it should be as I have walked this out before. Don't worry there is a point to all of this besides me just rambling about my physical issues! Anyway, the Holy Spirit being the guide that He is to me said very clearly, get off the vitamin D after you get the blood work done. So I did. I had the blood work done a week ago today and yesterday was able to get some of the results.

Get this, your vitamin D levels are supposed to be in the range of 10.0 to 75.0. Want to know where my level is??? I have you all excited now don't I? lol...come on this is exciting stuff (said no one ever)! My level right now is 191.7! Yep you read that right...a little over, you think?

I am sharing all of this to point out a few victories in the midst of this.

1. Never once through all the symptoms did I fear or doubt that I was going to be okay and that God was going to take care of it. No fear, no doubt, just complete dependence on the Word of God and the promises that He has laid out in front of me.

I have operated normally, taking care of my home, my boys, my husband and even singing in the midst of it, actually a lot more than usual (not a coincidence). Working out still everyday, just living.

2. I heard the Holy Spirit speak and I knew it was Him. Huge victory for me! I love that I can recognize His unwavering, still small voice.

3. I obeyed His voice and am seeing the physical manifestation of that.

After a week of being off the vitamin D, a lot of my symptoms are already starting to die down. Do I feel 100%, no, but better than a week ago, so victory! Come on Jesus!

There are so many scriptures I could bring to the table on this one, but I just mainly wanted to bring this to all of you to say, maturity is possible! If I can do it, you can to! If we take up the Word and submit to the Holy Spirit, He will take care of even the smallest things in our lives. He is so good.

In order for me to overcome, I have had to keep my mind renewed. In order for me to stay fearless and full of belief that He is going to keep His promises, I have had to keep myself grounded, hanging onto my unshakeable Jesus. With that, I am able to hear Him and know it's Him and then obey and see Him fulfill His promises. He has this for all of us. Let me say that once more, He has this for all of us.

He doesn't want us to be toxic in any area of our lives. He wants life and victory from toxicity in our bodies, our minds and our spirits. Just stay submitted and see Him at work.

It's Tricky but it's most definitely a Treat

I have been sitting on this for a couple of weeks now. Not knowing how to approach it. But I guess given the title this is the week to talk about it! Being led by the Spirit. A common thing in my life right now, as you all know. The whole concept of not moving unless He speaks. Truly being led by His thoughts, actions, words etc. I have found this to be very tricky but yet extremely rewarding, like reaching into a cookie jar and finding that one cookie with the most chocolate chips in it! Well, it's way more amazing than that, but you get my point.

The Holy Spirit has been talking to me about not only what it means to be led by the Spirit but also what being led by the Spirit should be producing in my life.

Galatians 5:22-25, " But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us us keep in step with the Spirit."

So, this scripture has been reeling in my mind for these last couple of weeks. I have been questioning, okay, am I really walking in step with the Spirit of God? How much have I really matured in this area? Well here's my grid. This is the scripture that helps me gauge where I am truly at in this area. Am I producing the fruit that should be produced by being led by the Spirit of God, by walking in step with Him? Let's break it down...take a little test per say...

Love-to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection
I can say this particular fruit is fairly easy for me to walk in, especially for those who are close to me. God has definitely matured me in my love for those that are not close to me, if you read my last blog, you can see evidence of that.

Joy-a state of happiness or felicity(bliss)
I know for sure that this is a fruit that is being produced in my life! After last year and all it's madness and all things that are not joyful, I can say I have taken having joy to a whole new level lol! Life is to short to not try to find joy in everything that is around me.

Peace-untroubled;tranquil; content
Okay, now this one is a little harder because to stay in this state and produce this fruit, I have to keep Philippians 4:6-7 right in front of me everyday. But when I do submit to this word, then peace is produced.

Patience-quiet, steady perseverance, even tempered care; diligence
I have always said this has never been a strong attribute of mine, but in reading this definition, I have to say that most of it I can confidently say I am walking it out. In order to be where I am physically, spiritually and emotionally these days, I have had to live out this definition every moment.

Kindness-friendly feeling; liking
Um, still working on this one. I know, that sounds awful. I am a naturally friendly person and I can love everybody, but I am really having to work on the whole liking part :-)

Goodness-moral excellence; virtue
Well, I'd be lying if I said I was excellent at anything because that would require some level of perfection that I cannot claim to have in any area of my life. However, when I am submitted to the Holy Spirit, I walk in excellence and virtue. So I guess the maturity here is that I have this quality because of my willingness to submit.

Faithfulness-reliable, trusted, or believed. 
With the risk of sounding prideful, this is a fruit that I believe I have successfully learned to walk out.

Gentleness-kindly; amiable
I'm kind, and mostly amiable ;-)

Self-control-control or restraint of oneself or one's actions, feelings, etc. 
Okay, now this is really the one that God has been talking to me about big time. It's not like I am walking around beating people up or anything. But I am an emotional person, if you haven't noticed, well at least internally and when things are stirring in me it's hard for me to control what comes out of my mouth sometimes. I will say, because of the Holy Spirit and the Word, it has gotten easier to control those opinions and say what He wants, not speak out of my emotions or my feelings, but more out of what is truth or fact. Now, physically, especially this time of year, self-control in the area of eating, at least the very little that I can eat, I have felt so convicted! Wanting sweets and all the things that I know reek havoc on my body...God has been working with me on this. I have to be able to control myself in all areas if I am being led by Him. This is sooooo hard!

Okay so my grade on this test...well it's certainly not an A+ but I am working on it! I want to produce the fruits of being led by the Spirit otherwise how do I know that I am really being led by Him in every area of my life. I know that we will always fall short, so by no means am I putting that pressure on myself, however, I will strive to do my best.

It's tricky walking by the Spirit because we are made of flesh and we live in a fleshy world. But when we realize that we have authority over this world and over our flesh and the ability to submit to the Spirit of God it's most assuredly an incredible treat and honor to walk with Jesus, Himself and all that He is.

A Week of Weeping

I have been waiting for the Holy Spirit to allow me to write this week. And now all of the sudden in my exhausted state, yet grateful state, and sorrow that has finally been allowed to flow after standing strong as long as possible, He allows me to.

This morning I had the absolute honor of singing and celebrating a sweet, amazing woman of God who was taken from this world way to early. Leaving behind a mom, a dad, a sister and brother-in-law and many others I'm sure I will never know. Yes, a plot of the enemy no doubt, but God still getting the glory for it. It was powerful, sad, tragic...the list could go on, but ultimately, she was celebrated and God got all the glory.

Tomorrow, I get the incredible honor of singing and celebrating an amazing man of God, that was also taken way before his time. Leaving behind a beautiful wife and 6 amazing children. Another plot of the enemy, not in the order of what the Word of God and the promises that He has laid out for us. Tragic in it's own way. Yet, God will get all the glory for his life as well tomorrow and for days to come, I have no doubt.

There has been such an opportunity to live under such a banner of death and oppression this week. Not just from the two amazing people that I speak of in this blog but even more that are within my spiritual family, who are suffering great loss on this earth.  It's funny how the enemy thinks he has won by destroying our flesh. Yes it's so sad to lose those we love, but for the believer, we are here one second and then with Jesus the next when our flesh is done and because of our relationship with Jesus, our legacy lives on and He continues to get all the glory. No victory for the enemy if we have the right perspective.

Before these last two years, I didn't ever really show my emotion. I am an introvert when it comes to that...I know, you're like, " whatever, yeah right". But those of you who know me, know this to be the truth. But God, in His process with me, has broken me so deeply, where that has changed for the betterment of me and for the advancing of His Kingdom. What's awesome is that it's not my flesh crying out, it's the Spirit of God, who is so active and alive in me, crying out for His people. He has given me the privilege of feeling His heart in certain situations. An honor yes, no doubt. The most painful thing I could ever feel emotionally yes, no doubt.

Romans 8:26, " In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

It's hard to know what to pray, when no words seem right. I've always thought myself weak in that broken down state, but the Word says that even Jesus, Himself has wordless groans. When I am weeping and groaning, it's wordless, I'll tell you that much. I am weak, but being connected and submitted to His Spirit makes me sensitive to His heart and what He cares about making me stronger and more effective in His Kingdom. 

This, my friends, only comes by us dying to ourselves and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us. We have to get out of the way so that He can be the WAY. I can't help but believe that the enemy wouldn't have the ability to cause such destruction if we all strive to live this way, sensitized to Him. 

We will all face death. Fact. But, I believe it's for God to determine the how, the what, the when, not this world. Although we live in a fallen world, we have authority over this world the Word says. SO LET'S WALK THAT WAY! Let's be righteously angered when God's people are taken before their time. That's what makes us move and aware that we do not fight against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12). That's our reality as believers. We are spirit beings, we are not of this world and never will be. I sure don't want to be. I know you don't either. Let's walk it out together, let's rally and take authority where authority has been given and keep the victory that our loving and faithful Jesus has paid an amazing price for.

My Life is a Zoo

Not really, well, kind of a little ;-) But it is so awesome. I had to share another great step of success in this amazing journey! I took the the boys to the Zoo today all by myself for the very first time! The weather was perfect and so were they! We not only went but walked around for two hours. For those of you who know what this journey has been know what a huge deal that is!

Last Wednesday thru Saturday Chad and I got the opportunity to go away for our anniversary. We haven't gone away for our anniversary since Parker was born, so 5 years. It. was. amazing. We rode our bikes pretty much every where we went, physically amazing. I even did the gym every morning we were away! More great success. Last year, on our 10 year anniversary, we spent the evening getting me through an allergic reaction to a medication and pretty much crying the whole evening and the next morning to the point of doubting the very existence of God. I know, so low, so horrible, but we could only climb up from there and we have.

This year has been the year of taking back what the enemy stole on top of gaining new ground in the Kingdom of God. It's been incredible to say the least.

I would love to say that all the mountains in my life have been removed, but they haven't. Not yet. I will always put my hope in God's Word that I can have complete restoration here in the land of the living.

Isaiah 55:11, " So shall my Word be that goes forth from my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."

3 John 1:2, " Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be healthy, even as your soul prospers."

Whatever the future holds, I choose to believe the Word of God first and foremost. It's the best way to live. No matter what, period.

Praying that all of you are celebrating the things that may seem small to others but are so very big in your world and to God! 

Strength Training

So today, I started re-incorporating strength training into my morning workouts. Up until now I have just been running everyday out of concern that I might irritate some things in my body if I tried the whole lifting weights etc. I have been praying about it and the Holy Spirit finally said it was time so today was the day!

You know how when you first start lifting again or even just working out after it's been awhile and afterwards your muscles feel like jello? Yeah, that's me right now and trust me I started out nice and light.

As I was praying and buffing up ;-), I realized this totally applies to us spiritually. If you have followed this blog for any amount of time you know how passionate I am about the Word of God and the power and authority it holds in our lives when we truly use it and wield it the way God intended us to. I started to think about this in conjunction with my strength training.

I remember when I first started to wield the Word, it was hard, it was like working out a muscle that had never or had not been worked out in quite some time. It burned and felt like jello at first but then it became second nature to pick it up and wield after some time of working out that muscle. And then eventually, I had to increase my weight in order to continue to see results and not grow stagnate. That's where I am now spiritually.

Isaiah 40:31, " But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint."

While it is so important to work on the condition of our heart, cardio in exercise land, it is also super important to tone and strengthen our muscles. To wait on the Lord and renew our strength. To wield the Word so we can run even faster and not grow weary in our journey. To walk and not faint at the slightest test of our faith.

We have to get it all working together in order to see results. And we need results. When I say we, I mean me! I need them every moment, every day. No going back for me. I pray it's that way for you to. Exercise that muscle and watch God strengthen you in a way you have never seen before. 

I Just Want To Cry

Do you ever have those days where you just want to cry? Sometimes you don't even know why, sometimes or most times it's because God is so good you just can't do anything else to express your thankfulness to Him. Or maybe the world is beating you down and you just can't take it anymore. Or maybe you have just started homeschooling a kindergartner and a pre-schooler, in the midst of the pre-schooler potty training (I know, let's not talk about it :-). Whatever  it may be you know that if you could just have a good cry, it would just feel really good!

Sometimes, we cry out of passion, sorrow, happiness and pain. I find that I have cried tears in all of these areas! A lot. Emotion, sheesh, I don't know what God was thinking! It sure does make things difficult sometimes, especially when you are an introvert who'd much rather keep things to herself. Keep it all bottled up.

Over the years I have learned that it's obviously okay to cry. Even Jesus wept (John 11:35). Shortest scripture in the Bible, right? He wept, He cried out, He had emotion when He was happy or sad. Well, we were made in His image so there you go. 

Honestly, most of my days these days are filled with tears that are expressing my absolute gratitude to God for all that He has done and all that He is doing. I am just so speechless and the only way to get it out is tears.

I am seeing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My favorite chapter in the Bible, Psalm 27:13, " I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

I believe this Word and every word out of the mouth of  God with all of my heart. His Word is my lifeline. I know I've said this so many times it's probably annoying at this point, but I don't care. The Word of God, Jesus, Himself the living and active Word, if given attention in your life, WILL change you from the inside out. It will redeem, restore, convict and set you free.

 John 1:1, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." This has really been a word that is changing me because I realize that it's not just the words out of God's mouth that are setting me free but it's God Himself, the living Word fighting on my behalf every day that I confess and wield Him as the weapon He is. Amazing right? God Himself, fighting on my behalf. Now that's enough to make you cry for joy. In the midst of it all, mountain high or valley low, God is God and He is sooooooo good.