All this time I have been thinking that the miracle was found in my body being healed completely in the natural. While I still believe that, I believe at this point it's about me being tucked away and truly learning how to take up my cross daily and die to myself in every way. Those of you who know me, I don't mean this to be prideful at all, know that I have paid a hefty price already for what God has used me for already. I have always thought that I was pretty dead to myself. In some areas yes, but obviously, being the human that I am, there's still more to be pruned from my life if I am going to be fully equipped to do what I really feel God is calling me to do with the rest of this life.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-3, " There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build."
I have been saying this whole time that God has had me tucked away for a reason. I know that He is not causing the sickness, pain or disease. But, knowing His Word, He is using it for my good and for His. This has been an incredible time for me to gain more understanding, to be reborn in His Word, to be planted and rooted in Him, where my roots run deeper than ever before. It's been a time to not only heal my physical body, but most of all my heart, my spirit. He has been tearing things down and rebuilding what's right.
Still, there's more dying to be done, there's more rotten roots that He has to uproot, still more killing of the things that are keeping me from my full healing and more tearing down of walls that I didn't know existed until the other walls were torn down. LOL! I'm like an onion, I have many layers...name that movie!
Sitting here, I think, " God why would you use me like this?" Why does He take such a broken, imperfect person and anoint them and use them for His glory? Why doesn't He just use someone else, who doesn't have so many "layers" to break through? I know the answer...just really makes me see how much He truly loves me when I ask myself those questions.
Did you know that my whole name means love? Amanda means: beloved of God and my middle name is Love and yet over the last 7 years of this journey, I have doubted God's love more than any of His other promises or attributes. I don't think I have ever said that out loud until right now. I've always thought it, but it was to weak in my mind to admit to it. I see His love so much through others, but He knows I need to see it from Him, because He knows me. I'm not saying stop the love people! I am also not saying that I have not truly felt God's love either. I see it all around me, how much He's blessed me. There are just times, not all the time, in our lives when we need a touch, or a word that's straight from Him.
So, I believe in my heart that's the first thing that needs to be uprooted, torn down and killed is the thought that God would ever not love me. I need to know, and this is super humbling for me to say, that He loves me no matter what I feel or see. Man, I thought I really had this, but if I'm honest, I cry more about this than anything else. I don't even know why I would ever doubt it and it's painful to even type. Just like I trust His promises for healing, I have to work on excepting the love that is so accessible to me.
He loves me, He love me not, He loves me, He love me not...HE LOVES ME...Psalm 31:16, " Let Your face shine on your servant; save me in Your unfailing love."
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