Live Like You're Dying

 Hey everyone! So it's been a while since I've written anything, at least for the public eye. I have found myself having countless sleepless nights with all kinds of things rolling around in this spirit and brain of mine. My life is an absolute circus right now, in a great way, so when my head hits the pillow at night, I use up every second of sleep. I figure being wide awake at all different hours of the night might just be a neon sign and extra push from God that I need to get out what's in me. 

Those of you who know me well, know that when it comes to the things of God, I'm pretty vocal and confident about who He is and who I am in Him. I've never had great confidence in myself, really ever and still don't, but I do have confidence in who He is in me. When He speaks, I listen. When He says move, I move. When He says write, I write. I am a walk by the Spirit of God type girl because #IwouldntsurviveeverydayifIwasnt!  I'm not even sure blogs are still in style these days or if podcast and YouTube channels are the new fad. But this is where God started me and gave me a place to speak so here I am for those who He wants to see and hear. 

To get to the point of my post today...I've been following this young girl, Brooklyn's Journey Home, on Facebook for about a month. This sweet soul has been in a battle for her health for a long while and as of January of this year the doctors had nothing left to offer her. She decided that it was time to stop fighting the process of dying and embrace her journey home to be with Jesus. She's basically the bravest person I know right now and I don't even know her personally. She is in the midst of hospice care at home and just walking out the process of her body dying physically. Seems so morbid, but not to her. She has put out many posts full of truth and her faith in Jesus seems to never waver. She knows she's weak but in her weakness she knows He is strong and she is relying on Him to usher her in to eternity with faith and peace on her feet. She realizes we are all dying, she's just dying a little quicker than most. 

Being faced with so many health challenges and still on the daily having to push through things to stay on my feet, I can in some very small way relate to Brooklyn. You see, she's learned in her journey how to live like she's dying because she is physically dying faster than most. She's learned how to hang on to joy and peace while going through some major trials and still live in the midst of dying. This is what drew me to her story because even though I'm not physically on my death bed right now, I thought I was going to be a few times in the last 18 years and I have had to learn this very principal. Live like you're dying. 

Until I encountered Brooklyn's story, I didn't know how to quite say it in words, but there it is. I realize there is this unseen balance that there has to be between looking to the future and living out every day as if it's our last. I don't know how to do this perfectly and probably never will but I want to live like I'm dying whether it's today or 50 years from now. I want to be intentional with all the things in my life. There are days I go to bed and think, "God, please let me wake up tomorrow because I want to do better with the things you've given me and I didn't do well with them today!" I totally get it. Especially with young kids...#survivalmode...as a mom, I don't ever feel like I'm making a difference in the daily scheme of things. But just like when you are trying to get in shape physically, what is it that every trainer with tell you? Consistency...just keep getting up and doing what you know is right. Just show up and you will eventually see the results. 

All Jesus requires of us weak humans is to just show up. If we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us (James 4:8). We have to be able to say yes to Him every day in order to live like we are dying. Do you want to make a mark in the world? Say yes to Him. Do you want to make a mark on your children? Say yes to Him. Do you want to make a mark at your workplace, with your family and on and on? Say yes to Him and He will help you to live like you're dying. 

Brooklyn has figured out how to laugh and smile in the face of death. Why? Because God isn't just some mythical being that she's been told about. God is a real being that is living and active in her life and eternity is real. Who wouldn't be excited to trade a broken body for a completely whole one and life eternally? I want to be more like that. I have gotten much better at it over the years but to be honest I waver in my excitement of the unknown. I love what I can see and feel and touch and do right now on this earth even though my body struggles. God is good and He's been good to me. I have to be better at trusting this goodness and know that what He has given me here is just a taste of the goodness that I'll know in eternity. I can't be afraid to live like I'm dying because I'm afraid to die and neither can you. Isaiah 41:10,"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  

God needs us to live passionately and live awake! Those of us who know Him, it's our mission to live this way so others will want to know Him! I am so grateful for a person like Brooklyn who can say yes to Jesus and be used by Him despite her fears so that I can benefit from her walk with Him! 2 Corinthians 1:3-4," All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us."

Living like we are dying requires a consistent posture of submission to the Holy Spirit. How do we do that? It's as simple as waking up everyday and saying, " Holy Spirit, I submit to You." As you do this, He begins to speak and your relationship with Him will grow into something you could have never done on your own. Your life will become full of purpose before you can even realize how full it is. I am a living testimony of this. I went from a very dark place of deepest pain and doubts to a life driven by the Holy Spirit and full of joy, peace and purpose and I don't think I'm even close to fulfilling everything God wants from me! 

I say all this to say, it doesn't matter where you are in your walk with Jesus! All you have to do is start showing up. Start saying yes and let Him take over. Submitting to Him is the only way we can live like we are dying and still have life! 

Giants + New Life = Victory

    This morning I was watching an episode of Dora and friends with my little princess. The whole episode was about how Dora and her friends came to the rescue of a little village who was going to be attacked by a very large giant. They ride in on their horses, singing a song of warning to flee to the nearby castle up the hill where they could take refuge. Very heroic indeed. As the giant was getting closer to the village one of the horses that one of Dora’s friends was riding noticed a beautiful little butterfly and starting chasing the butterfly…right in the direction of the giant….dun dun dun. Silly horse. As they approached the giant something amazing happened. The butterfly started to swarm the giant and the giant got scared! This bearded, grown giant started crying of all things and pitching a bit of fit like a toddler until the butterfly flew away. That gave all the villagers and Dora’s friends just enough time to get behind the castle gates before the giant started charging their way. He was, as you would expect, extremely upset and he was on his way to make sure those villagers knew it. As you can imagine, when a giant runs there’s bound to be some shaking. The shaking was so strong that it knocked down the securely locked castle gate, leaving the villagers and Dora’s friends completely exposed to the giant’s impending attack. But then, one of Dora’s friends remembered…she remembered that the giant was afraid of butterflies. So they came up with a plan and while one of Dora’s friends rode out to distract the giant they somehow had enough time and supplies to construct a giant butterfly that could act as a puppet over the castle wall. As the giant approached they lifted the giant butterfly up to the castle wall and the giant came face to face with the vicious creature and fled the other direction. Dora and her friends and the villagers were safe at last! 

 

As I’m watching this, I said to my husband, “ Wouldn’t it be great if we could just chase our life giants away with a butterfly?” But then, I really thought about it. The truth is we CAN chase our giants away with a butterfly. I started thinking about a current giant that I’m facing and I then started thinking about what the butterfly represents. If you google it, butterflies represent life and more than that they represent endurance, change and hope. Now you see where I’m going. 

 

What are giants? They are fears and challenges dressed up in a big, hairy, silly, toddler acting shell. Nothing more. When those giants see a butterfly or they see life coming at them they are afraid because they are reminded that they aren’t bigger than life or even better, the One that gives life.

 

We all face giants, daily…our weapon is the source of life, Jesus. He represents endurance as He walked out His journey to the cross. He represents change as His word is consistently challenging us to be more like Him. He represents hope, hope in Him and His promises. And lastly, life, He represents life, life abundant and life eternal. If we face our giants with our butterfly, Jesus, our giants will certainly flee. If we face our giants with endurance, change, hope and life then death cannot stand and win. 

Happy 4 Year Anniversary

Philippians 1:6, " And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I am certain that 4 years ago today, God, began a good work within me. While it hasn't felt good or remotely looked like my definition of good, it has certainly been a good work in accordance with His word. It has been a work like no other. He has been stripping me and pruning me and making me into the person He wants me to be which is ultimately a person that bears His image, if that's even achievable. 

This day, 4 years ago, God spoke to me and told me I was healed of multiple sclerosis. I have since then been through so much and everything around me has tried to convince me otherwise. Some days, everything around me wins, but most days I stand and keep standing believing that God will continue to work on my behalf. That He is interceding for me, that He is for me and not against me despite what I feel and see every moment. 

I told myself I would document this day every year whether any body else recognized it with me. So here it is, another year down and hopefully many more to come with new victories every time. I'm still fighting and still persevering and that has to count for something, right?! 

I'll finish with the following scripture: 

2 Peter 3:9, " The Lord is slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

God is patient with me in this process and because of that He is bringing so much to the light causing me to repent and become more like Him. He's not slow and He isn't withholding His promises from me...He is waiting, He is watching and He is wanting me. He is jealous for me and wants me to succeed. He wants to prosper me. I will probably never understand why I'm walking this journey but thank God I don't have to in order to be victorious. I don't have any idea what the future holds, but I will continue to not be moved or shaken by my circumstances by hanging on to my unshakable God.

Here's to another year...

Visions and Dreams

Visions and Dreams...they can be a beautiful thing and/or absolutely terrifying. We've all had them. We've all been woken in the night either delighted at the possibility of that dream becoming real or woken up praying that it doesn't. We've all had the experience of being able to get away from our reality, whether welcomed or not, only to wake up to our reality.

Over the last 10 months I've learned a little something about visions and dreams. As most of you know, we've just recently had a new addition to our family. Our sweet little girl, Ashlyn. She was a sweet surprise to our crazy world and season. She wasn't planned, at least by us anyway!

 Just a little back story...I have dreamed of Ashlyn since I was just a teeny bopper! Literally, I would have visions and dreams of her that would wake me in the night. I would feel her kicking me in my womb before I even knew what it felt like to be pregnant. I saw her sweet face on more than one occasion as well. God gave me her name before I knew my husband. When I got married and 6 years later found out I was pregnant, I started looking at names and discovered the meaning of her name (not sure why I never looked it up before that) as we were hunting names for boys and girls. I thought for sure she was in the line up to be in my arms! Well, 2 beautiful BOYS later, I started to wonder. Come to find out her name, Ashlyn Renee, means Vision or Dream reborn. As we went through the ups and downs with my health and all that it took just to have our 2 sweet boys, I started to realize that this little vision might just be that. Nothing more than a vision and a dream that wasn't going to be a reality. I thought, why would God allow me to see her so vividly and so many times if I wasn't going to get to have her in my world. I questioned if it was God who gave me these visions and dreams when I knew it was absolutely Him. And from day 1 of my pregnancy, the enemy was there, waiting to steal, kill and destroy that which God had ordained.

To the point:

1. God gives us visions and dreams for a reason.

God allowed me to see this sweet girl before I even knew if I was getting married, before I knew if I could bear children, before I knew I would be hit with sickness and disease...He allowed me to see a glimpse of what He had for me so that when I am being hit from every side, I could see His plans to prosper me and give me good things. He allowed me to see His goodness so that I would have something to look to...Hope, He was setting a foundation of hope in Him and not my circumstances. This vision was pretty much an impossibility in my world. My circumstances said no on every side to this becoming a reality and my circumstances are still screaming no even though it's my reality!

Take away: Don't let go of what God has shown you. If it's Him, no matter your circumstances, if you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).

2. It's easy to question whether the vision or dream is God's or of your own making.

I don't know about you, but there have been many times I've thought I've heard the voice of  God only for it to be mine. There have been many plans and even things I've thought were visions and dreams from Him that totally flopped because it turns out it was something made from my own soul. So how can we tell the difference? The answer that has proven true for me is to stay in constant relationship with Him. To really die to myself and walk by the spirit. We have a greater chance of not missing Him that way. When God gives us a vision or a dream and our circumstances say something else, it's very easy to lose heart. It's very easy to doubt Him and believe that it was just something we conjured up. Because I am connected daily to Him, I laid this vision and dream at His feet. I buried it and I waited to see if He would resurrect it. And He did!

Take away: John 3:6," That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit." We have to continually lay our visions and dreams at His feet and be willing to let go of them.

3. The enemy is waiting to steal, kill and destroy our visions and dreams.

I've encountered a lot in the last 11 years with my health specifically. God has sustained me, but even now as I type, I am still walking through a very hard season. Physically having to over come, mentally having to stay constantly renewed and spiritually having to fight to keep the hope alive that one day the vision and dream that I will be completely well is on this side of Heaven and a God breathed vision and dream. From the start of my pregnancy the enemy was there seeking to devour the vision. We thought we lost her multiple times and then the pregnancy itself was an experience! Without going into all the details, let's just say the process was not the most joyous. Lot's of complications thus making both Chad and I think, " was this really God?". And you know what? The enemy is STILL trying to make us think it wasn't God because of everything I'm going through right now. The enemy just doesn't give up and we can't either.

Take away: We have to be aware that the enemy is constantly after the visions and dreams that God has given us (1 Peter 5:8, John 10:10). We also have to be willing to fight for those visions and dreams and not doubt even when everything around us is telling us to.

Even though the struggle is very real, God is still good and He is for us. He wants to prosper us. He wants to give us visions and dreams. He wants to produce hope in us. He wants us to trust Him, to rely on Him, to believe that what HE says will be, will actually be.

Carrying a baby aka a vision or dream is hard work and birthing it is even harder. But the end result, well you know, it's absolutely worth every moment of struggle. The outcome is so rewarding and so beautiful.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made...keep hope alive and keep dreaming. 

Happy 3 Year Anniversay!!!

Hebrews 11:1, " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I have been fighting myself all day today on whether or not I should write a blog today. Yep, it's been 3 years today that I heard God say that I am healed of ms. 3 years. So why the fight? Why not total celebration and excitement? Why the above scripture?

I am writing out of obligation to giving all the glory to God for what He is doing in my life. None of you would remember this date unless I posted something, so no offense, but this isn't for you as much as it for me and the process of glorifying the only Person that matters! I can celebrate today because of the above scripture. I can celebrate the fact that despite my body going through every known symptom that I still have ms, that the faith that I have is the evidence of things not yet seen!

I was told a couple of months ago that I should be back on ms medications. Since then I have had, two major, what the neurology world would call flare ups. I'm currently on massive steroids trying to get this current one to subside. But I still hear that still, small voice saying, " You're healed, you're healed."

God is doing some amazing things in the process as usual. To update all of you, there's a new perspective that we have. As you all know, I'm weaning off of a very powerful benzo drug. Almost halfway there! Along the way, I have hit some walls, but God has been gracious to help us find the doors to open along those walls to make it through to the next step.

This past week, we feel the Holy Spirit brought to our attention a new perspective and a way to treat and walk out this perspective. My nervous system is being attacked. Old damage, new damage. Whether it be ms or this drug has been the outstanding question in our  minds.  However, we keep pushing through believing what God said 3 years ago. So this past week, we discovered a medication that has proven helpful in aiding the central nervous system to actually repair and function better. I know, I know, another medication? Yep, we said the same thing. Call us faithless, but we are at a place where we realize that my body needs help to get through this crazy weaning process. My central nervous system needs help to stay alive and have me walking on the other side. So we did our research, prayed, asked questions, prayed, made many calls, prayed...you get it. We decided to start this medication this past Wednesday. You may ask why this medication wasn't brought to our attention by my doctors way before now. Well, it's unconventional and it is not proven to slow the progression of ms so my doctors didn't see it as an option as they still view me as someone with ms. Perspective.

Thursday morning was the 1st day in I can't tell you how long that I woke up and the world wasn't spinning, at least for a couple of hours anyways lol! But hey, I'll take it! We are believing that this new drug along with the guidance of the Holy Spirit is going to eventually help my quality of life to improve. Faithless no, hopeful yes. Is our hope in this drug? NO! It's in the hope that the Holy Spirit keeps revealing to us what is needed in this process of ours to continue to shape us into the people we need to be on the other side of this.

God can totally snap His fingers and take all of this away. And we will never stop asking Him to do so. But until He does, I fully believe He is preparing us for something that is much needed in the advancement of His kingdom. It's not my job to say what that looks like or how long the process should be. It's my job to listen and have faith in Him.

So I celebrate today that I am still in step with Him. That I am still in the process that He is in control of. That I am still dead to my agenda and He is having His way. That the enemy has been defeated because I'm still overcoming. That God is good and He is continuing to make me more like Him.

That my faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Yes! I will celebrate whether I see my circumstances changing because He is worthy of all the glory. Because He is faithful to His promises and His word never returns void!

So there you have it...Happy 3 years...no matter what, keep the faith because one day, it won't just be the evidence of things unseen, but SEEN.

When You Aren't Promised Tomorrow...

You learn that you have to live in victory today!

James 4:13-14, " Now listen, you who say,' Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." 

I was strapping on my shoes this morning doing my usual routine of submitting to the Holy Spirit and putting on each piece of the armor of God and the title of this blog hit me like a ton of bricks. What if tomorrow doesn't come for me? The answer, well, honestly I thought wow, all I have to think about is today and if that's the case, hey, I can do that. It's just one day, right? I know that seems morbid and weird but for someone who struggles everyday with questions like, what does the future hold, will I be able to walk tomorrow, will I even be able to get out of bed and function tomorrow...this is a HUGE relief!

When you look at the word of God there are so many scriptures pertaining to doing things daily. Submitting to the Holy Spirit, daily. Renewing our minds, daily. Putting on the armor of God, daily. This list keeps going and going. Every promise that was made if looked at in the light of today is in effect. If you really think about it, why did Jesus say to renew our minds daily? Why is submission to the Holy Spirit a daily struggle and commitment? Also, do you sleep in armor? I guess we could, but it'd be extremely uncomfortable! We let our guard down and take off our armor and so then we'd have to strap it back on the next day right?

A month ago, I was leading worship and my neck paralyzed right in the middle of me leading a song called " Lord Over All" crazy. I'll tell you what, when your neck paralyzes in front of 1,000 people and almost takes you to the ground multiple times, you'd better believe what you are singing! The next week we were told after 3 years of believing that God healed me of ms that there was an active lesion in the top of my spine causing all the problems. We were told that we'd better start looking at picking up meds for ms again etc, etc. We were also told our only option to stop the inflammation was to up the current steroid that I'm on for my adrenal glands in the hopes to get it to stop.

In the midst of that, a week later, after 3 years of taking the benzo drug that I am currently weaning off of, I completely forgot to take my morning dose and by mid-morning, while at church, I could barely get to the car to get home! I automatically dropped 10% of the meds and my body went into shock! So we thought it might be a good idea to try and stay at that level for week and see if my body would stabilize. If we did that, then I would gain about 10 weeks on this wean, awesome right??? Not so much. By Thursday, I could barely walk or function so we decided to just go up by 5% and my body has been stabilizing slowly but surely, praise God!

We asked God when we went to the neurologist that He would reveal truth that would set us free. Well, we got truth, but freedom is still in the fact that we believe that God has already healed me of ms despite what we see and have been told. So at this time we are not going back on medications for it. Our options were slim and we are doing some natural things and trusting in that word that was spoken so clearly almost 3 years ago.

Every day is a fight to keep our heads above the waves. BUT, if I know all I have to do is worry about today, then I can make a choice to submit and surrender and trust in God for that day and live it to the fullest instead of just trying to survive. When I start thinking about tomorrow, that all goes out the window because I don't have the strength for tomorrow. I only have the strength and grace for today because that is what God has given me. His mercies are new every morning, DAILY.

Matthew 6:34, " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

Oh so very true! So let's take God at His word, submit, surrender, armor up and walk in His mercies and promises and grace that He has provided for today. Renewing our minds to the fact that today is today and we can choose to embrace what God is saying about us or not. Then we can lay our heads down tonight knowing that if tomorrow doesn't come, we lived in victory today.

Freedom Comes With A Price

WOW!  I can't believe how long it's been since my last post! So many exciting things have been going on, I don't even know where to begin. But what brings me here today is a compelling word that has been whirling around in my spirit for a couple of months now, setting me free to another level and our home. I heard the Holy Spirit say this word was worth the time to post. So here goes!

Galatians 5:1, " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." 

Freedom comes with a price. We've heard this phrase so many times. Especially around national holidays when we are celebrating our freedom and the people it took to allow that freedom to happen...soldiers etc. Freedom comes with a price. Nothing is free, it seems. 

So since my last post I am not only still off of all MS medications (coming up on 3 years!) but I have also weaned from a blood pressure medication and am now weaning from the ever so powerful benzo drug that I have been on. We discovered it was hurting me and not helping me so here we are again with no other choice but to trust God and move forward. I am doing what they call a titration method which basically means that they have turned the pill into a liquid so that I can measure out whatever percentage necessary for each step down in the process. We are taking it so slow that it is going to take me a little over a year to get off of it. A few weeks ago, I was almost halfway there and we hit a wall, as in might have to go to the hospital wall or take more medicine and start from there. So I am in the process of getting stable and then off we go again! In the midst of that, I was offered the amazing honor of becoming the vocal director at our church! Yep, I was thinking the same thing you are..., " What?" We prayed and God said do it and that He would heal me as I go and it has been one of the most life giving things I have ever done. 

I promise all of that ties into what I'm trying to say today! My goal to be free from the grip of this drug, from the grip of the ongoing effects of  nerve damage in my body...to be able to drive again...it has come with a great price. I've been on a roller coaster of every known withdrawal symptom. Because of this and the life God has me in, I have had to sacrifice and pay a tremendous price to keep myself above the waves. Staying in the Word so I can win the battle spiritually, physically and mentally. I have had to stay extremely disciplined with my diet and exercising over the top. Ultimately keeping my mind renewed every moment of the day. This freedom doesn't feel free LOL! 

Just looking at my journey before a diagnosis, the things I've walked through and had to pay a price for and it only makes me think of the price that was paid so that I can even walk through what I've walked through with victory. The price that was paid, the ultimate price, Jesus, His life, crucified, died on the cross for ME. Freedom from death, hell and the grave. Freedom from sickness and disease because of the stripes He bore. Freedom from this world and the pain that comes and the ability to count it all joy. The only difference  in these freedoms is that I didn't have to pay the price, He did. 

Not only did He obtain eternal life for us but He continues to give freely to us through the power of the Holy Spirit who is our Helper and through His Word. Here's where we pay another price by way of SUBMISSION. INTENTIONALLY SUBMITTING TO THE HOLY SPIRIT AND THE WORD IS THE KEY TO VICTORY. 

Do you realize how many battles or shall we say freedoms we have lost just due to the fact that we haven't taken God at His word? The simple act of Ephesians 6:10-17 putting on the full armor of God? He has given us all the equipment, all the tools to face anything and everything. How incredible is that? 

We recently introduced our boys to the concept of literally armoring up and Parker, our eldest son, is so deep into this truth it's awesome and extremely challenging! He wakes up every day like a poster child for the armor of God and will walk into Chad and I and say, " Have you armored up? (pointing his finger at us like the picture of the salvation army poster guy.)" It's so awesome! While awesome, also annoying as in convicting. We were doing home school one morning and I was getting a bit irritated because it was taking a little to long to do a subject and Parker said to me, " Mom, did you put on your shoes of peace?" Oh no he didn't. Then he said, " I have my shoes of peace on me and I'm making them work for me." Hahahahahaha! This boy. So I had to repent and make mine work for me to! 

Freedom is ours. Serious freedom. Whether we feel it or not. We can over come and walk in freedom and victory. Live in freedom, count it all joy and walk an unshakable path. 

John 8:36, " So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." 

Let's take God at His Word! Let's be vocal and intentional about armoring up. Let's make Him Lord and submit and surrender to Him and walk by the Spirit of God therefore producing the fruits of the Spirit in our lives...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control. 

I'll leave you with a description of each piece of the armor of God the way we explained to our boys and it's the way I pray and equip myself every day: 

Helmet of Salvation:this is meant to protect our minds from the enemy and the thoughts that so easily over come us. 

Breast plate of Righteousness:so that our hearts can stay pure.

Belt of Truth:so that only truth enters our thoughts and we can walk in it.

Sandals or Shoes of Peace: so that we can be ready to go wherever God leads and walk in great peace knowing it is He who is leading us.

Shield of Faith: is our belief that Jesus will do what He says He will do.

Sword of the Spirit: The Word of God, sharper than any doubled edged sword. Helping us to divide between soul and spirit. It also helps us to use the other pieces of armor effectively because it renews our minds, keeps our hearts pure, helps us to walk in truth and peace and boost our faith! 

This is so simple to do that the enemy tries to make this process more difficult. DON'T LET HIM. Armor up and see how victorious life can be. 

Signing off for now...it was nice talking with you again :-)

The Good News sometimes feels like Bad News

Have  you ever opened the Word and started reading and thought, " Man, I get it and I see what God is trying to say and it's really good, but why doesn't it feel good?". Um, I have many times. We just got back from an incredibly restful week at my in-laws lake house. Most of you saw my two previous posts and know that I have been walking through a few things physically and had to make the choice to go on this vacation trusting God with all of it.

All week long there was a very familiar phrase that kept popping up in my spirit, " Consider it all joy..." This morning, as I was exercising and praying and worshiping, getting myself submitted to the Holy Spirit, that same phrase kept rising up in my spirit, " Consider it all joy...". I knew all last week what God was saying to me, but this morning, I dove right into James 1 and started reading.

James 1:2-8, " Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."

God reminded that when I was a teenager, and my mom can testify to this, that I plastered this verse on our refrigerator one day and it stayed there for many years. God has a way of bringing things back around. I wasn't going through the same things then as I am now obviously, but it's the same principle. I've read this passage many times over the years. 

What I'm trying to say is that God is requiring me to look at my circumstance and then at a much higher level, consider it ALL joy. I really thought I was doing this. Here again, another humbling encounter with God. He showed me that I am a good over comer and even good at persevering so that was encouraging. BUT, has my mind, my words and my actions shown that I am doing it with joy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! I really believe this is why I have been feeling so stuck where I am. Feeling like I can't hear the Holy Spirit clearly. Feeling like I'm not moving forward physically and spiritually. I know I am, but, it's that feeling that I'm hitting a wall. It's because of this, doing things out of my own strength and not seeking the wisdom of God and counting it all joy. 

You see, there is a difference between just overcoming and living in victory. We can't always overcome our issues completely, in other words, sometimes our issues just won't go away. And let me ask this very difficult question, what if they never do? Of course I believe and have hope that all my issues will be resolved while I still live on this earth. But I'm not the one who decides that. So what do I do in the meantime, what's my best chance of those issues being resolved here on earth? Well James 1 tells me my best chance is to consider it all joy and allow perseverance to finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

To live victoriously, we have to decide to consider it all joy. I don't want to lack anything. I really want and need everything that God wants me to have. In order to not live sick, think sick, plan sick, be sick, I have to consider it ALL joy.  

You Know That Moment When...

Your doctors can do nothing for you and you just have to continue to COMPLETELY trust God? Yep, that just happened. I had to write today to let all of you know as an update to my previous post that I spoke with my doctors and they, by law, were not able to prescribe anything for me without me being seen since it has been so long! HA! Coincidence? I think not! So if we want anything before we leave for vacation, I would have to go to an emergency room and that peace that passes all understanding is not there for that.

Before we called my doctor, Chad and I prayed for God's divine wisdom. We knew that there would be no harm in a phone call. We also knew that God would give us whatever answers He wanted to give us because we are totally submitted to Him.

In all honesty, when they told me there was nothing they could do for me at this time, I had a one minute moment of anxiety/frustration, then God brought me back to my favorite scripture right now:

Proverbs 3:5-8, " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and will direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes, but fear the Lord and depart from evil. It is health to your flesh and strength to your bones."

I could write this in all caps and bold every single word as it all applies to me every day!!! When this word arose in my spirit, I immediately stopped my mind from being anxious and just started thanking God for being faithful to His Word. Side note: It pays to hide the Word of God in your heart. You never know when you are going to need it;)

What's awesome is yesterday afternoon, my symptoms started to get better. WHAT?! Are they gone? No. But I believe in trusting in God and leaning on Him and His understanding and taking up that authority, He directed us to the right path, therefore bringing restoration to me. What we thought was wisdom, was not His wisdom and we asked Him to reveal that to us and He did. Can I just tell you, this has never happened to me when I have called my doctor. There was 3 days of confusion, this.never.happens. God shut that door. Now, I stand in a place of complete trust in Him once again with no other option. Easy, no. Peace that passes all understanding, yes.

I am continually amazed by Him and I have no doubts that my body is going to line up as I go. I am praising God for bringing wisdom to Chad and I. It's something that has been burning in our hearts to ask God for in every area of our lives recently. I feel break through coming and I am excited that God is real and He is for us and not against us(Romans 8:31)!

I pray that all of you will lean on Him and trust Him no matter what's happening. Thank you for praying for us. Please continue, don't back down, we need all of you!

Happy 2 Year Anniversary

Wow! How time flies when you finish homeschooling a 5 year old and Summer time hits! I cannot believe that it's been since April that I last wrote to all of you. We have definitely had one wild and crazy summer! Traveling, some time home, then traveling some more, then some more time home and then traveling again next week! I even had the incredible opportunity to fly out to California, on my own, to visit my best friend. It was a huge mountain physically and spiritually that God allowed me to move!

To get to the real point of this blog, it's the 2 year anniversary of me being off of ms medications! Praise God! I will forever mark this day as the day God healed me of ms. I have to write to give all the glory to God and remind all of you, if you need reminding, that He is a faithful Healer.
He is also faithful to make us more like Him every day if we are faithful to die to ourselves and allow this process to happen. And that, my friends, is something I praise Him for everyday, but also the hardest part of this process by far.

You see, even though I don't doubt that God has healed me from ms, for the last two years, I have still and am still fighting off symptoms that try to tell me otherwise. I have to be real with you, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed tears whether they be joyful or out of frustration. I wonder sometimes if the tears of frustration will ever leave me.

Then I realize, that with every tear of frustration, God replaces it with a promise from His Word that in turn produces perseverance, endurance, death to myself and more glory for Him because I am submitting and becoming more like Him.

Even now as I type, I am waiting on my neurologist, whom I haven't had to call in 2 years, to prescribe a round of steroids for me because of a neurological issue that I have been fighting for over a month now. You might be thinking, " Well you said you were healed." Well, I am! I still believe that ms is not in operation, but ms left some damage that only God can reverse and that damage has been hanging over me. I wish I could say it was all gone. And I only tell you it's not so that if you are walking through something and God hasn't taken all the pain and suffering away, you can still hang onto whatever He has promised you and have the knowledge and faith that He has healed you from WHATEVER you may be walking through. It doesn't have to be physical. It can be spiritual, emotional or physical.

The only thing that keeps me afloat everyday, when I say everyday, I mean everyday, is the Word of God.

Isaiah 40:31, " But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles,they shall run and not be weary,they shall walk and not faint." 

Things I am really thankful for as I am continuing to walk this road is that I no longer doubt God's promises. I trust Him and His Word with all of my heart no matter what my body feels. Also conquering, for the most part, fear and anxiety when something does arise. I can honestly tell you that being anxious is just a major waste of energy and time! If God is God, well...you see.

I am in the process of learning what authority God has given to me here on this earth. I am also still and will always be in the process of dying to myself. "Take up your cross daily and follow Me." (Luke 9:23)

So, HAPPY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY! I celebrate Him and all He is doing. I celebrate who He is making me to be. I celebrate my sweet Jesus Christ, who sacrificed Himself to save me and that deserves all my focus, my attention and my life!

Here's to another year of complete restoration and freedom!

MIRACULOUS UPDATE!!!

Hey everybody!!! So I have good news and great news!!! As you all know 4 weeks ago I started physical therapy for vertigo. We discovered it started 6 years ago, after I had our sweet Parker and we just recently discovered that it is primarily an inner ear issue. Enough background on that.

GOOD NEWS, after just 4 weeks of therapy (keep in mind this process of recovery usually takes 6  to 12 weeks) I have the papers to prove that even though I don't feel completely normal yet, according to all the tests I am completely normal and the therapy is working!!! I have been able to tell in my everyday activity, but have still been symptomatic some weeks, like this week for instance and yet I still aced all the tests!

Here is a picture of the very first assessment I had 4 weeks ago. I realize you can't see all the numbers, but just look at the colors, green(good:) and red(bad:(), I failed two of the assessment tests that day and was putting all of my weight in my toes, which apparently is not centered, who would of thought;)

 

GREAT NEWS, I was told today, that just after 4 weeks of going once a week to my physical therapist and doing my homework everyday I no longer have to go back to the balance center!!! Now you have to grasp this with Chad and I. We have been praying that this process would be a short one because it's not cheap to walk into that place every week even with insurance. We have been praying that the enemy would not be allowed to rob our finances in this area and that we would only have to pay what was necessary. HUGE answer to prayer.

I was able to get a lot of my long term questions answered today as well. Like driving, short distance, long distance, swimming, flying, singing again. My pt instructor told me that just like these exercises I have been doing everyday, as long as I feel safe, to start doing all of these things again at a minimum pushing myself to the brink and then seeing how I regain. This will start to re-calibrate me in these areas just like the other exercises have helped me in my everyday activity.

Although we are still on a process, this is a major answer to our prayers as we are seeing quick results and are continuing to believe that 4 weeks from now things will have dramatically improved! God is so good and He showed off for us today. I prayed from at the beginning of this process that I would only have to go into therapy for 6 weeks and God said let me show off and do it in 4 LOL! Love Him!

Do I still have stuff to overcome, um, YES! But I am celebrating this moment, this mountain being shoved out of the way. Now, take a look at today's assessment...do you see any red??? EXACTLY! And my center of gravity is right in the middle! Come on now somebody scream Hallelujah with me!

To conclude, I don't know what normal is anymore, but I am beginning to learn what normal is by God's standards and I praise God for that. God is my Savior first and foremost. He is my Healer, Restorer, Redeemer and Comforter. He has enabled me to do all things through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). As I have leaned on Him and not on my own understanding, He has indeed been directing my path (Proverbs 3:5-8).

So, we keep moving forward, no looking back. As I proclaimed that first day of therapy, this process is the beginning to the end of this issue. I am continuing to stand on that and am seeing the physical manifestation of it.

You can see this in your own life as you continue to trust in Him and stand on His amazing Word. It NEVER returns void.

Being Re-Made

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

It's been a while since my last post! Purposely though. The Holy Spirit has had me tucked away and when I say tucked away, I mean tucked away. It's been awesome. 

To get to the point of my post today, as all of you know, because I have talked about it many times, I am on a journey of restoration, but in order to be completely restored there is this thing called dying to oneself:). 

I had the privilege of attending the Kari Jobe concert this past Friday night. A belated birthday gift from my mom(thanks mom:). As I was sitting and soaking in all that was going on I had yet another revelation from the Holy Spirit. I was watching this amazing worship leader walking in her calling, looking extremely fulfilled and confident in who she was. Amazing. I realized, I used to be so much like that, in many areas of my life. Then I realized, the key words were, USED TO BE. 

I have been on a journey that has afforded me the opportunity to choose to die to myself and everything about myself in order to be in the center of God's perfect will. To be honest, some days, it doesn't feel like a choice, it feels like a necessity! 

The revelation I had was that I am so dead to who I once was, that I don't even know who I am anymore! Now you might read that and think, that's horrible!!! Mandy is having an identity crisis!!! LOL! Well, actually, I am, but it's God induced not Mandy induced, therefore a VERY good thing! What God revealed to me on Friday, is that I am being re-made. I am being made a new creation. I have finally gotten to that place where I have seriously laid down EVERYTHING that I used to be and am just trying to walk by the Spirit of God and trust that He is guiding me. God spoke to me so clearly and said that He can now make me new, He can re-make me and show me who I really am for such a time as this. He hasn't truly been able to do this in me until now because there was still me in the way! 

There are 3 things that I know for sure I am right now and these are the 3 things that have God's favor, peace and grace on them:

1. I'm His
2. I'm Chad's wife
3. I'm a mom to Parker and Sam

In all 3 of those areas, God has allowed me to be healthy and strong and He keeps moving me forward to be everything that I can be in those areas. Other than that, I don't know who I am. I have functioned in many different roles in this life of mine, but right now these 3 areas are where contentment, peace and favor are. 

Do I have dreams, desires and goals? Well, yes, but I'm doing my very best to submit every dream, every desire and every goal to Him so that He can say, yes this is apart of the new creation I am making you into. 

Galations 2:20, "I was put to death on the cross with Christ, and I do not live anymore—it is Christ who lives in me. I still live in my body, but I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself to save me."

This verse, well, it just says it all. I am happily being re-made. Really, happily. Inside and out, being re-made. Physically(side note, two weeks into physical therapy for the vertigo, it's going well, thank you to all of you who have been praying;), spiritually and emotionally I am okay with not knowing who I am until God tells me.  It's kind of exciting actually:) If you look at this way, God is giving me another chance to be all that I can be for Him. Which means, I will hopefully, hit the target! I want to advance His Kingdom more than anything and I just know I can't do it unless I am re-made into what He wants me to be.

Good stuff...thank You Jesus.

UPDATE!!! "Balancing" Trusting God and His Love

Pun intended! I just landed on the couch after an almost 3 week process of trying to pinpoint why I have been experiencing vertigo for almost 6 years now and non-stop for the last 5 months. The results are finally in and I just couldn't wait to share them with all of you that have been praying and standing with us in this journey.

Let's break it down. In my last blog, I explained that the ENT pointed out that she pinpointed 2 things related to my inner ear that she says is causing the vertigo. The first was the crystals in my ear, the second was to be determined by 3 hours of lab tests that I had done on Valentine's Day and actually had to finish the last one this morning before getting the results of all the tests.

Results are in:

1. I had physical therapy for the crystals in my ear and per their follow up with me, it worked!

Now, since I saw them for this therapy, I have gotten increasingly worse! Funny, right? Well apparently this is because of the secondary issue which is...drum roll please...

2. It doesn't have a name! But it does have an explanation. We found out today that my right ear is 21% off from my left ear. Which stated directly from the ENT, " That is a huge drop." Which means with every movement and I mean every movement, my left ear says one thing and my right ear says something completely different therefore resulting in the walls holding me up! This is why reading, typing, weather changes, walking in the grocery store, walking around my house, driving and or moving of any kind only makes things worse. Also, cold fronts, warm fronts, tropical storms, hormones(the original onset of this was 3 months after I had Parker, hormone shift,possibly the root)...all the things I have been saying for the last 6 years, " Why do I feel soooo bad when...". Question answered, finally.

I know what you are thinking, " How is this good?" Oh, just let me tell you, it's not just good, it's awesome!

Action Plan:

Physical therapy is what works best for this. There are medications, but it's the medication I am already on, LOL, right? Obviously not working. There are others but my doc says physical therapy first, which Chad and I agree with, although it is not an immediate relief solution, it will cause long term relief. So we are waiting on  Brooks Rehab to call us and set up an evaluation where they will design a program just for me. I will have to go in 1 to 3 times a week (praying just the one, because I am young and active and will be able to do all the exercises here at home as well) to do all the exercises that will re-calibrate my body!

Now, how is this awesome? I haven't even told you the best part yet. You all know that Chad and I fully believe that God has healed me of ms. You also know that we are flesh and that every little opportunity for us to doubt is still thrown at us daily. This is where the title of this blog will make since. 4 weeks ago, I was still able to drive and while I was driving over the bridge for the first time in like 4 months, God and I had a little conversation that went like this:

God: "Mandy, do you trust Me?"
Me: "Yes God, I trust You."
God: "Mandy, do you trust My love for you?"
Me: (nice long pause) "Actually God, I can't say that I fully do."

Yeah, I didn't know that was coming either. But that conversation sent me into another part of this journey that I am cherishing. It's really hard for those of us who struggle day in and day out with torture and torment in our minds, our bodies, our emotions, whatever it may be to see through all of that a LOVING God. I'm not sure I even need to explain why, but I will a little. The question is, why would a LOVING God allow me to suffer so much? You get it. Well I get it. And I know why so no worries, but some days it's still really hard to trust that God's love is perfect despite what's going on.

As I have submitted to the Holy Spirit and am now learning how to not only trust God, but to trust His love for me, things are happening. And it's awesome.

In regards to ms...the ENT pulled all of my previous MRI's and during the balance testing they were looking for certain things geared towards ms and guess what? My doc looked me in the eyes when she walked with us to check out and said to me (and I am crying typing this right now), " Mandy, I was looking for ms and I couldn't find it." Cue me about to break down right in front of everyone and embarrass myself. She then looked at me and hugged me and said, " I know you needed to hear that. I know you are struggling and we are going to take care of you." An angel sent from heaven. Yes, I believe she is a sold out christian. She knows where Chad and I stand and what we've been through and God has used her mightily.  God didn't have to prove Himself to Chad and I in that moment, but He did. If that's not love, I don't know what is. Honestly, He already did enough by sacrificing His life for me.

Romans 8:37-39, " But in all these things we are completely victorious through God who showed His love for us. Yes, I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, nor anything else in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Zephaniah 3:17," The Lord your God is with you; the Mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you.You will rest in His love; He will sing and be joyful about you."

There are so many more scriptures and promises that I could lay out before you to try and prove how amazing this moment is for us, but this is getting way to long and you have better things to do! 

Another giant leap. Please keep praying with us. Stand in agreement with us for this: 

1. That God will continue to sustain me. 
2. That this therapy will work and that it will be quicker than expected for it to work! 
3. That we will continue to recover and move forward and keep trusting the love of God. 

Love you all so much, God is so good and I can't wait to see MORE of His goodness in the land of the living!  

The World Is Still Spinning, but I'm Standing Still

Literally. Vertigo. 4 months and going, well not as strong now, but let's just say it has been a constant nagging force. I know, you don't want to hear about my constant issues but hey, at least these blogs always end the way the Holy Spirit intends! So keep reading! You have time:)

A lot of you know that I have been battling vertigo on and off for a lot of years, but consistently for the last 4 months. We finally got in with some of the best ENT specialists here in Jacksonville. We were able to get into the actual balance center for, so far, just some screen testings. Here's the low down...

First, we have been praying for this for quite some time. For favor for the right path, the right doctors, just answers and for all things to be brought to the light in this area. We believe that God answered that prayer! If you know anything about vertigo, it can be extremely debilitating or just annoying enough to rob you of most of your life and everyday activity. I have experienced both. The most recent has been the latter and has gotten to the point where it is keeping me from doing, well, life.

So, long story short. We went to see the doc. There are over 200 reasons that you can have vertigo, crazy. Well, this doc was able to pinpoint it to 2 out of 200 after some initial screen testings. And get this, she believes they are both inner ear related and that they are not ms related! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?! So what are the two things?

1. BPPV (This is a condition where tiny calcium crystals dislodge from their resting place and they roll around in your ear causing an imbalance.) So, the solution, physical therapy. I had it done this past Friday and well, I have been worse since LOL! It's okay, it's apparently normal. This morning is the best I have felt. They said to give it a few days following their protocol. Things such as not moving your neck, sleeping a certain way etc. So I will be following this until this Friday when I see them again for the 2nd issue.

2. Well, this doesn't have a name yet. We go on Friday morning, way earlier than I would like, for a series of 3 hour tests that will help to pinpoint this second issue. We then will see the doc the following Wednesday for those results and get an action plan in place.

What's funny is they usually treat these things with the benzo drug that I am currently on already! We explained our journey to the doc and she totally understands our stance with this drug and knows that very soon we will be starting to get off of it. So she said there are other medication options  or physical therapy for what she thinks might be going on. So options. Favor.

Since my appointment I have found myself questioning the ease. Meaning, the favor we had with the docs, the quick diagnosis, the fact that if it's this simple that would be amazing. In questioning this I heard the still small voice of the Lord say, " Mandy, you asked Me to make this easy, to bring all things to the light. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Don't you know that I love you enough to answer that?" If I'm honest, I haven't felt this all that much along this journey. That sounds really awful. God has come through for us so much. I mean, healed of ms, you name it. God is good, it's just been hard to keep believing that He loves me that much.

Another way God has been speaking to me is obviously through His amazing Word. Psalm 25:3, "No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse."

My hope is not in these doctors or their procedures, but is and will always be in Him.  So I will not be put to shame in this process. God will be glorified and I pray that it will all work for my good.

One more revelation that came this morning, as I was confessing the Word, is that I believe Chad and I have been in constant discovery mode in this journey and I believe that God is really moving us more and more away from discovery mode to full recovery mode! I believe we will always be discovering things as we are in a relationship with God, but in regards to my physical state and this journey, it's time to be in full recovery mode. This body must and will recover!

I am so thankful for some forward progress and am believing that I will not be put to shame as I continue to trust God. Please keep standing with us, we are not afraid to ask for prayer! We need it and welcome it.

Deuteronomy 33:25, " As thy days are, so shall they strength be." Yes and AMEN!

PAIN Defined

This is by no means Webster's definition of pain, but it's the definition that the Holy Spirit gave to me as I was running this morning, lol, appropriate during a run, right?! Also this is the definition that my flesh wants me to see:

Persistent
Agony
Initiating
Negativity

Ok, so don't worry, this blog will end up being an encouragement so please keep reading! Yesterday God used some beautiful women to open my eyes to some revelation as to what I have been processing internally. You know who you are and I thank God for you! It's amazing what an hour of talking split throughout the day with women of God can do for you!

My last blog was, well, I thought, a passionate cry for God to keep rewriting my story. A cry to want to do more, be more etc. I am still on that journey and train of thought, but while talking through things yesterday, I realize I have been fighting and praying through this issue of pain and suffering and of being content in it and being discontent in it. What is God's heart in all of that? Am I feeling and thinking the right things etc. Pretty much over analyzing lol. But, here's what God has helped me come to for today.

There are a lot of us who have been struggling with "PAIN", whether it be physical, spiritual or emotional, in our lives over the same issues for many, many years. What I've noticed over the years is that pain can be something that certainly produces negativity in our lives. It causes the bad things in our lives to be bigger than the good fruit that God is producing through the pain. So pain redefined from the Holy Spirit's perspective: (at least for me:)

Persistent
Acknowledgement
Initiating
New Life

Let me explain. In our pain, if we are persistent in acknowledging God in every area of our lives, in every moment of our lives it initiates new life or we could say, new fruit. Doesn't growth speak of new life? Bearing good fruit is growth, it's new life.

Proverbs 3:5-8, " Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and depart from evil. It is health to your flesh and strength to your bones."

My favorite scripture and theme of my life over the last year. Trusting in Jesus and not leaning on my understanding. Acknowledging Him and He is directing my path which leads to health and strength!

So in conclusion ;), in one of my conversations yesterday it hit me. I know all of these things. I know that the pain and the suffering in my life is producing amazing things, touching other people and doing exactly what God intends for it to do. But here's the deal, IT DOESN'T MAKE THE PROCESS OR THE JOURNEY ANY LESS PAINFUL!!! It still hurts, there is still the fight to either acknowledge negativity or new life.

 Jesus knew His journey on this earth. He knew that one day, He was going to be beaten beyond recognition and then be brutally nailed to the cross to pay the price for our sins. Do you think for one moment that every crack of that whip and pound of that hammer was any less painful just because He knew the outcome and the purpose of the pain? 

Think about that. Exactly. Pain is pain, but we have to define it with God's perspective and even though it still hurts we can choose to see the the good fruit over the negative and in that we are glorifying God and putting the enemy where he belongs.

LISTEN UP! A MUST READ!!! My Story: Rewritten

" The only Bible some people will ever read is you." Pastor Russ Austin

What a statement. What a revelation. We are doing a new series at our church called "Story". This past Sunday was the first message of the series and it was inspiring and dead on with what I have been praying for. I've been crying out to God asking Him what story do I have, what testimony am I if all I can do is mope around the cave and write the occasional blog? What difference am I making. What I've been doing is just not good enough any more. My story has to be improved upon.

I want to be that great protagonist (hero) that our pastor was talking about. I want a story where my character is ambitious. Someone who is compelling and interesting. When people are around me, or read what I am writing or hear what I am singing, to be inspired to do more, to be inspired to do the things that I am passionate about. I want to rub off on them.

I want to be the hero in the story that when people read about me, whatever my mission is, whatever I am out to fix or do is so powerful that it awakens that very thing in others around me!

All of you know the journey that I have been on. Yesterday, I drove for the first time more than 10 minutes by myself in about 3 months because of the vertigo issues. I only did so because the Holy Spirit said, "Go". You know my motto, if He speaks, I do it, if I don't hear Him, I don't move.

While talking with a friend yesterday, I was saying how one of the things that God is challenging me on is my listening skills. While being with friends, others etc. And then it hit me. If I'm not a good listener in the flesh, to those around me, then how can I be a good listener to the Holy Spirit? See here's the thing, I'm beginning to believe that God talks to me way more than I hear Him.

John 8:47, " The who is from God listens to God's words. This is why you don't listen, because you are not from God." 

My number 1 goal this year: To be a better listener. Not only because God has made this my goal, but also because my whole life depends on it. Hearing Him and then obeying what I hear is what is going to amp up my story in every way.

I want to wake up every day and choose to confess the Word of God (not that I don't to some extent already), but instead I do it out of sheer desperation to survive. I want to choose to passionately run after and pursue God, not just out of a survival mentality, but just because that's the way it should be because He is God and deserves my whole life.

I have had this conversation with God before and I know that He believes me when I say that I will do this if He were to take all the physical stuff away. But every time we talk about it, He simply says, " I believe you, you're just not there yet."

Ok. Ok, I'm not there yet. So my next goal for this year, how do I get there??? What's awesome is God is revealing to me the how to already. He is practically forming it for me so I can move in that direction.

I will leave you with this, Matthew 6:33, " But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." This is where everyone's story must begin. Without His direction and redemptive and restoring power we have no story. 

My mission is very clear as to what I am to fix and save, but I can't do it in my own strength. I haven't been trying to actually, but now God is just growing me even more. He has been writing my story and shaping the theme and now it's time for action. It's time for people to be able to read what He is writing and it make a difference.

"And A Happy New Year"

Well, I know this is kind of cliche, writing a blog to end out the year, but it must be done, by me and many others lol! I had this thought this morning, " Is my/your new year going to be a happy one?" To me, this is a pretty easy answer, but to many not so much and to me before this year it would not have been an easy answer at all. A lot of us are moving forward in our lives, making great progress, reaching goals etc. etc., while still stagnant in some areas, we are still moving. For a lot of us, very little has changed and we are still struggling with the same ol, same ol. And for some of us, absolutely nothing has changed and we are just trying to survive, whoop-ti-doo another new year, right?

I would consider myself to be in the first category. I am moving forward, making progress, but yet there are still some things that haven't changed. There are also some new things that are not so great, but oddly enough spurring on forward progress. But, in the midst of all of this, I can honestly answer my question with confidence. My new year is going to be a happy one!

If there's one lesson that I have learned that I could pull away from this year, although there have been many, is the way I feel, in any area of my life, mentally, spiritually and/or physically, does not change who God is or what He has said in His Word. Number one lesson without a doubt. I have been trying to live my life this whole year that way. I find myself winning MOST days, lol, but obviously there were many days I just needed to go to bed and start over!

God's Word has become the most important thing in my life this year. This is why I can answer my question with great confidence. I am going through a lot, more to even say, physically and spiritually, but because of God's Word, I am going through it with peace. I have two top favorite scriptures that have gotten me through this year:

Proverbs 3:5-8, " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones. "

And that it has been, "health to my flesh and strength to my bones"...off of ms meds for a year and half, spent the year singing, the summer going no-stop with my boys, started homeschooling, finished a short version of the cd we've been working on and so much more.

Philippians 4:6-7, "  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

If this scripture is living and active in our lives, how can we not move into the next year with peace and joy? Trust me, I am having to work through my flesh and look past my flesh in a lot of areas of my life to obtain this peace and keep it. It's a fight everyday. But when I fight for it, He fights for me, resulting in peace and a knowing that He's got it all. 

I have no idea what this year holds, but I know that if I stay submitted to the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, it doesn't matter. Nothing can touch me that He doesn't allow if I stay within His perfect will for my life. How do I do that? Again, I stay submitted to His Holy Spirit and the Word.  

So, to conclude, from my family to yours, Happy New Year! It's our choice whether it will be happy or not, just remember that. Love to all of you and yours!

Not Again! Back to the Beginning...

Well, not exactly, but it sure does FEEL like it. Those of you who have been on this journey with Chad and I know the journey and the process. It all began with the process of ridding of us from fear and doubt. When I say we are back to the beginning I must explain. We have grown tremendously over this last year and gained back so much ground physically, spiritually and emotionally. By no means is this 2012!

Here's where I find myself over the last 3 months...extreme vertigo, that is starting to be intermittent (praise God!), burning nerves, neuropathy all over my body some days it feels like worms are invading my body, some new things, but mostly old things, but just things that want to rob my knowing that Jesus loves me, to rob my joy and my peace. I have continued to use the Word to fight. I will never stop doing this and yet here's the thought that brings me to my point:

I don't doubt anymore that God CAN do the things that He has promised(maturity, I hope ;), but I have found myself recently doubting whether or not He WILL do or WANTS to do the things He has promised.

While I know that I am on the road to recovering, it's just crazy to me that these things still are sticking around. There are just some things that never go away, some things that keep returning no matter what I do. It can just be outright discouraging sometimes. It can leave a girl kind of hopeless, you know? This is why I have to live and breathe the Word or it would be 2012 all over again.

So, I am not writing without an answer to this craziness! Finally yesterday through our pastor's message and through some amazing encouraging words from an amazing friend and weeks of staying in the Word and not backing off, I got peace, despite what my body is walking through right now.

I really felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and tell me that He's got this, that because I am in the center of His perfect will, nothing can touch me that He doesn't allow. This was part of the message yesterday. Philippians 4:6-7, "  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." This is a scripture that I confess every morning and put into action. I know this is one of the reasons that I don't totally crumble. 

Then a friend reminded me of some of my own words that I sent along to them...Ephesians 6:13-14 talks about putting on the full armor of God so that when evil comes we can stand firm. "Having done all to stand, keep standing." More confirmation that God's got me and that I need to keep standing in the firm belief that God has healed this body and restoration is still in place. That Jesus will not leave me or forsake me in this process. 

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A FEELING BUT A STATE OF MIND! Would I like for it to be a feeling??? UM, yes please. And I pray that is on it's way. 

Hebrews 10:36, " For you need endurance, so that after you have done God's will, you may receive what was promised." 

I am going to keep enduring, I want to see this through, I want to see His promises alive and active. Don't get me wrong, I have seen them, some of them, but I want to see all the promises that God has laid out for me and died for, don't you? 

Here's what I know, God is faithful, God is love and because of His Word not only CAN He fulfill His promises for me, He also WANTS to restore me, He WANTS to fulfill His promises to me. 

So no matter what we feel or think, God's Word doesn't change and neither does He. I am going to keep trusting and rejoice that even though it feels like nothing is changing, He never does therefore I must be changing! Perfect peace, forward progress, God is God and He is faithful and good.

Barely Hanging On

I am currently sitting in my glider rocking chair in the bay window of my bedroom, looking at the beautiful Christmas tree that we decided to put in our bedroom for the first time ever at Christmas. So two Christmas trees this year, love it! I so love this time of year. Family gathering, good food (or food that we attempt to make good in my case;), cold weather, fires, the reminder that there is always something to be thankful for and the very hope of our existence coming to life, Jesus.

I am writing today, not because I have completely got things under control, but because I am in the process of getting there and I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to share my process with you. I just spent pretty much my whole workout this morning crying and fighting my body, my mind and you know who. Every song that's played on my playlist has been perfect to help me overcome. Every scripture that I have confessed this morning has set me up for a win, yet I don't feel like I'm winning or in the least bit overcoming. Please tell me I'm not the only one who goes through this.

After the vitamin D toxicity report, I was told that I am extremely anemic ( a 6 and I should be over 15). I was told iv iron or do supplements until we can get things built back up. Long story short, I went to my doc knowing that God wanted me to get off of my acid reflux meds. Well come to find out acid reflux meds can cause iron deficiency so my doc and I were in full agreement that this is the next step in the process, get off of acid reflux meds, get my iron up. If we can do this, then maybe the next med to come off of will be the blood pressure meds, as my blood pressure shouldn't be so low if I can retain iron etc. Then what's left is adrenal meds and then the beloved benzo :). Forward progress. We are about 3 weeks into this process now.

For the last two months I have had nothing but symptom after symptom attacking me. Dizziness so bad the walls have been holding me up. Every part of my body tingling and making me feel like I can't walk or drive or take care of my precious boys (yet I am still doing all of this). Burning nerves, you name it. For the last two months, I feel like all I do is strive to survive everyday. I am literally exhausted by the end of the day in my mind, body and spirit because I feel as though I am having to be constantly on guard. Against my own mind, my body, the enemy...I have been trying to pretend like everything is normal and that I can do this. Fighting the mind war of this is all my fault that I feel this way. I don't want to burden my husband, my family, my friends. I can go to Stone Mountain and climb it (which I did!), I can do Thanksgiving, I can get my house decorated for Christmas...I can do this, I can do that, there's nothing go on. But there is and I am admitting right now that this is the first time in over a year that I am having to fight fear and keep fighting and hanging on to the promises of God. The truth is my body feels wrecked, no matter what I do, it feels wrecked and broken and I am tired. I don't want to fight, I don't want to overcome, I just want to lay in my bed and give in if I'm honest. BUT GOD WON'T LET ME. My spirit man as tired as it is, is still strong enough because I have been diligently seeking Him and His Word and no matter how wrecked this body is, my spirit overrides everything even if it's just barely.

Here's the scripture that God lays on me...Psalm 71:14, " But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more."

Here's what I hear Him saying to me through this, " Mandy, don't lose hope, not now, keep at it, the worse you feel, the more you need to praise Me. The more defeated you feel, the more you need to praise Me. The more you feel in your body, the more you need to feel Me and know that I am here, that I will deliver you. I am for you, not against you. The more out of control you feel, the more in control I AM."

And my response with full on tears, " Okay, but I can't even do this without Your help Jesus. I need to know Your grace is sufficient. I need to know that Your promises are alive and active in me. That healing is not a feeling."

There are so many of you who are going through such great struggle and don't feel like He is there. I feel completely ungrateful and stupid (if I can say this word) for even typing the majority of this in comparison of what I know a lot of you are going through right now in your life. I mean this, so don't feel bad for me, this is not why I blog, you all know that.

So my fork in the road, my crossroads...to hope or not...to trust or not...to overcome or not...to praise Him even more or not. You all know my answer. I can't go back, I won't go back, I will keep moving forward and trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding even if it's through tears and discomfort. It's harder to do this today, but you and I both need to know that it's still possible. Even if it's just barely, it still counts.