Just going to keep fighting...

Ok, so, 1 mri down, another one in about an hour and half and then results around 5 today for both. God's been keeping me in the fighting mode. Sickness makes me so mad and I know that's the spirit of God in me. We have determined that whatever the results may be today that we are going to keep fighting for answers for this physical body. We are gathering a hosts of counselors that we are allowing God to hand pick for us. No matter what those scans may say there is still a root to this sickness and if we can get to the root then we can cut it out from there.

Romans 11:16, (the last half really stuck out to me).."If the root is holy, so are the branches." There's a root to everything. I wouldn't say that I am a person who lives in sin or allows sin to rule my life, but I am a human being in case anyone was questioning that :). I found myself asking God to show me what the root of this sickness is. Sounds simple and I've done this before, but never been as in tune with what God is saying as much as I am now. Is it bitterness towards others, past experiences...unresolved sin? As someone who is in a relationship with God I do this on a daily basis but is there something that I have missed unintentionally that is holding me back? I just want to do my part in this. So God started revealing to me things that I have been holding on to and I just starting repenting of everything that came to my spirit.

It's been 7 years since the root of this thing started manifesting itself in my body and enough is enough...it's time for it to be completely eradicated and I just want to be open to what the Holy Spirit is saying. That's why I am staying in the Word and trying to live by the Spirit. If we are going to get answers for anything in our lives that's what we have to keep fighting for. The truth, it sets us free.

Over the last 2 weeks God has been giving me dreams. I see myself in these dreams speaking deliverance from fear and people getting healed and delivered spiritually and physically. I see myself back on the stage singing and declaring the goodness of the Lord. I know that's what's on the other side of this, I know that it's happening now even in the midst of it. I have no choice but to accept and receive that God is for me and not against me. I have never felt His love so much. I'm just...amazed.

Compelled

I would say "something" keeps compelling me to write, but I know for sure that it's the Holy Spirit who is compelling me so let's just say that. My upper body hardly wants to work today but there is so much in my spirit just pushing outward that I have to keep it in front of me.

I just read the devotion that is sent to me in my email from our church and it's just too perfect to not write about. Romans 15:13, " May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." In our quests for answers we have a couple of mri's set up over the course of the next couple of days. My doctors all want to confirm whether or not there has been what they call a "hit" on my cervical spine so that they can either rule ms in or out and then explore from there. My main concern is not the mri, it's really quite comfy and a chance for a nap, nor is it the results as much. My main concern is that every one of my actions and responses is motivated by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The hope that the Holy Spirit keeps speaking to me is that He is the answer, He is the solution no matter what tests results come back. My spirit man can't stop saying, " I am healed, I am healed, I am strong, I am strong". I told Chad yesterday it's amazing to me how my body feels like it should be in the grave but my spirit man can still laugh and have hope that God has it. My quest to overcome fear, while still in process, is happening and unfolding right before my eyes. I can't do anything but trust that God is good and that He is carefully working this out for my good and the good of those around me. In His sovereignty, He is setting up something that is going to advance His Kingdom to a whole new level. I sense it and I know it...I am filled with hope.

There have been tears of exhaustion, tears of frustration but more than anything over this last weekend, tears of thankfulness, tears of trust, tears of joy, honestly just knowing that God is God. I refuse to believe that God intended for us to live in sickness or even die from it. I know, it's bold to say, but isn't that what God's Word tells us. Yes we live in a fallen world, but we are redeemed from the curse of the law, this world. If I keep that in front of me then I KNOW, that I will come out on the other side of this whole because I live by the Word of God and that's what it says...lol..."for the bible tells me so"! That's the only way you will hear me sing right now!

We have been so overwhelmed by those praying and helping us fight,PLEASE KEEP PRAYING! We need it and we know that one of the biggest reasons our spirits are able to operate the way that they are is because we are surrounded with God's people, fighting with us. We absolutely, cannot, under no circumstances do this without Him...it's not an option.

Jesus, thank You, thank You, thank You...we trust, we trust, we trust and You will not put us or Your name to shame.

I refuse to stop believing

As I type now I am literally sitting on the couch hardly able to type to you because of my physical state. I am only blogging now because it's for me to keep believing that God is pressing me forward. It's encouraging to me and I know that God is going to use this experience. I believe that we have to show that we believe even when things "seem" the worst they have ever been.

Romans 10:11, " Anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame." I am really trying to release my faith and keep my confidence in God's Word. I know that God will not put me to shame or anyone else who is standing in this fight with me. I feel that it's important for people to see us believing even when it doesn't look or feel like I should. We have been searching for answers, but the Answer is already there and our job is to trust and stay out of fear and know that God is God. This is not the end, it's only the beginning. And I want to document this so that when I am on the other side of this, we will see what God brought us out of.

When you read this, don't feel bad for me, read this and be encouraged that God is a big God and even in the midst of your circumstance He can get us to a place of rest and healing. His Word is true and it's living and active even though my body doesn't feel living and active at this moment. I want to use every minute of this to give God the glory that He deserves. I will not give the enemy the opportunity to manipulate me in the midst of my exhaustion and frustration. I will allow God's Word to prevail and for my spirit man to be stronger than my physical man.

Psalm, 103:1-5, " Bless the Lord all my soul and all that is within me, bless His Holy name! Bless the Lord Oh my soul and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." I know that I just used this verse in a previous post, but it's encouraging me today. I don't care if blogging about this makes me a bigger target, God is still bigger and I want to see my process of overcoming!

I'm preaching now...somebody give me an amen! We are going to make it...God please don't put us to shame, we need you now, we need you to make a way where there is no way...we know You can.

"The spirit is willing, but my body is oh so weak..."

The only reason I write today is because my spirit is so willing to share the victories we have had this week in the midst of my body being very weak. Matthew 26:41, " Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." You are all on this journey with us, so I must fill you in!

Since last Saturday's post, we have had a visit to the primary care doctor, landed in the emergency room that night, 2 rounds of high dose iv steroids (with one more treatment of that today), paralyzed upper body, weakened lower body...I think you get the point. It's been quite the week for us. Ready for the good part??? LOL! I'm sure that you are wondering, what good is there in this? So much!
On Sunday, my "symptoms", because that's all they are, started manifesting themselves in a very powerful way. I got to that point where I just couldn't bear them anymore after a year of ups and downs and about two months of dealing with pretty severe issues. I looked at Chad and he knew that we needed to do something. The only thing was that we started to react out of fear and frustration and we had a lot of confusion at work in us. Here's where the victory comes in for us. I stopped in the midst of hardly being able to operate my body and in the midst of complete physical exhaustion and said to Chad, " We have to stop and pray." We knew that the fruit that we were bearing right then was not from the spirit of God. All of the sudden my spirit man was stronger than my flesh. I told Chad that I felt that we were just acting out of our frustration towards the situation, frankly our frustration towards God, if we are being completely honest here, and all of our fears of the unknown. I did not want to make a decision to go to the emergency room based on that. I felt so strongly, for the first time in this long fight, that it was time to allow God's Word to come to life. So we called in the cavalry aka my parents :-) and Chad and I locked ourselves in the bedroom and started praying.

Our prayers started in frustration, fear and confusion but they ended in victory and peace. The victory, for us, is that we STOPPED AND PRAYED. We stopped and submitted ourselves to what our spirits were saying to us and not what we were feeling and seeing by the flesh. We decided to walk by faith and not by sight and see what God would do in that moment. We avoided a trip to the emergency room that night!

On Monday morning I got an appointment with my doctor and by Monday night my body was worse, so again, we locked ourselves in the bedroom prayed through it and this time we felt like it was wise to seek some physical counsel and see if there were some options for some immediate physical relief for me. We saw this as another victory because we stopped and sought the voice of God first. We went to the emergency room and guess what? They had nothing to offer! LOL! Well, we could have seen that as a fail, but we didn't, we felt like it was necessary to see what they could do in that moment. So they sent us home with orders to follow up with my neurologist, get an mri set up and move from there.

By Tuesday morning, my whole upper body felt like it was completely paralyzed, here I am again getting worse physical, but no fear in my spirit...victory, for sure. I calmly call my neurologist and they suggest an aggressive form of treatment, 3 days of iv steroids. So at this point we honestly just looked to God and said this must be the answer for now. Now, I was hoping and praying that God would just do a miracle and take it all away right then, but I am RECOVERING and this is the process that God has for me. So the last two days we have gone in for treatment and I am feeling better in some ways but still experiencing some things that could cause some discouragement. But I refuse. I refuse to allow my body to be bigger than my spirit. I can't go back now. This is my victory.

We are still in a process that we will come through, but the difference for us and the victory for us is that we allowed God's Word, that we have been standing on and hiding in our hearts to be living and active in us this week. 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind." This word came to life in Chad and I this week. GOD'S WORD WORKS!!!

So even though we are heading back to the hospital today, I know we haven't lost the battle, we are gaining more ground back from the enemy with each step in the process and even though my body is weak, my spirit feels like it could run a marathon! My quest to lose fear and doubt is actually coming true! For the first time, I can actually say that I am more in tune with my spirit man than my flesh...victory, victory, victory! I have to say one more thing and that is simply thank you to all of you who are standing with us. Your prayers are forcefully advancing the kingdom of God and pushing us towards the truth and we are humbled and blessed to have you all in our lives.

To be continued!

"I think I can, I think I can, I...think...I...can"

My boys are currently sitting on the couch watching the movie "The little engine that could". You remember this movie, right? The little engine was just built to tow one train car around at a time but then somehow ends up being the only engine to save the day. He ends up towing more train cars than what he was built for and gets to the last and highest mountain. You can just hear the music in her head (yes in this movie the engine is a girl ) ...dun,dun,dunnnnn....anyway, she makes up her MIND that she is gonna believe what a wise old Engine told her, "If you think you can, you will...if you think  you can't, you won't", despite what her BODY, her own strength was telling her, she was going to get over that mountain. So she starts going and just keeps saying out loud, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"...until she makes it to the top and has overcome all physical odds. So inspiring and yes I may have teared up, a little, at that part :-) When I started typing, I wasn't planning to use this but it ties in perfectly with what God is speaking to me this morning.

Psalm 103:1-5, " Bless the Lord, O my SOUL; and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my SOUL, and FORGET not all His benefits. Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

Just finished another series by Creflo Dollar called "Believing Beyond What's Seen". And in this series he really breaks down what the Word of God says about how we are a spirit, made in the image of God, we possess a soul and we live in a body. So I have been meditating on my notes and then in my time this morning this scripture really popped out at me.

First we have to understand the role or function that our spirit, our soul and our bodies play in us. With my spirit, I contact the spiritual realm, with my soul, the intellectual realm and with my body the physical realm. So I got to thinking about Psalm 103:1-5 and how I typed it is how it stood out to me today. "Bless the Lord oh my SOUL and FORGET not..." So the word SOUL and the word FORGET are in the same sentence which leads me to the fact that my soul, which contacts the intellectual, the part of me that understands or learns, can forget! It speaks and shows us that our soul does indeed connect with our intellect. So in this scripture, the psalmist was reminding his soul of all of God's benefits. RENEWING HIS SOUL OR SHOULD WE SAY MIND...hmmm, interesting.

Back to the "The little engine that could", she made up her MIND that she was not going to forget what the wise old Engine told her, " If you think you can, you will. If you think you can't, you won't" I am going to keep reminding my SOUL of all God's benefits, which is forgiveness, healing, redemption, loving kindness, tender mercies, satisfaction of good things and renewed youth! My physical body has to be empowered by that, despite the load that it's feeling, and it will make it to the top of the mountain. When the little engine got closer to the top of the mountain, she changed here wording. She said, " I know I can, I know I can, I know I can." So I have to get from just thinking to knowing! I'm gonna get it..."If I know I can, then I will...if I know I can't, I won't." Which one do you think I'm going to choose?