Giving in is NOT Giving up!

I'm pretty sure my fight this morning is coming by the spirit, maybe combined with steroids weaning out of my system a little too ;-) But pretty sure it's the Holy Spirit in me! LOL! I just feel like fighting the enemy, I woke up this way this morning. Determined to not cave or give up or be fearful or dread the terror of the day and night! I don't usually wake up this ready for combat but there is a war going on!

I have to write out one of my confessions for this morning from one of my healing tools. Based out of Ephesians 6:13 + 14 and Hebrews 6:12, " I refuse to quit. I refuse to cave in. I will not be slothful, but I will be a follower with them who through faith and patience inherit the promises. I will cast down all thoughts that do not agree with God's Word. My God always causes me to triumph in Christ Jesus." I said this over and over again, until I was shouting it into the face of this enemy! I felt this confession before I even read it this morning. I was submitting myself to the Holy Spirit this morning and was just proclaiming that no matter what comes my way, I am going to lead in whatever way that I can.

I wake this morning feeling like I can't hardly stand up straight. My legs feel like they don't want to work along with a whole lot of other stuff that I could entertain. But I AM NOT! I am not going to allow the enemy to steal from me the opportunity for faith and patience to work in me so that I can inherit God's promises for today. One day at a time.


Through this whole journey, and all of us go through this in the midst of our trials, we give in to doctors, we give in to medicines, we give in to everything that seems contrary to what God is saying because we are afraid or just need relief. I am here to say today that I believe that giving in to those things is not giving up on what God has promised us. He knows we are weak. He knows we are flesh.

Most of the time we have to give in, in order to not give up the fight. I give in to God most of all. In other words, I still am trusting and depending on Him to do what He has said is mine...healing...completely, but if right now, He is calling me to lead in a greater way in the midst of the symptoms then I have asked for the courage and the boldness and the opportunities to do this. Trust me when I say I have done a lot in these last 8 years to overcome and cast down fear and have overcome quite a bit to do what I have done so far. But again, I find myself not wanting to be in that place of faking it until I make it. I want to walk in God's perfect will, whether I can feel my legs or not. Whether I can drive my car...I mean really, that's how crazy this is.

I went through a year where God challenged me to do everything I was fearful of doing. And I did it. God spoke to me so clearly and said, " Would you do this if you were well?". And, of course, my reply to everything He put in front of me was always yes. I have to say I am at that place again, but am waiting on God to lay those things out for me. What I am going through physically is so much more intense this time that I need to know that it's His voice. I need to know that I am doing everything within His perfect will. And until He speaks, I will wait and rest in His promises.

I am giving in to His purposes, not my own...and in that respect I guess it is giving up, but I can say, " I give up!" to God everyday of my life. He is one person I don't want to try and compete with!

In Focus

That's the name of the church we were at all weekend, but I titled my post today that because I feel like God is putting more into focus for me. This weekend was...amazing. Let me explain. I actually felt physically horrible...weaning from a steroid, weaning from all the other medications that I am on...staying in a hotel, which was wonderful, but still not my bed. Eating out and encountering all of my food allergies head on. I won't mention the worst of it...it would be too much information!

It was a great weekend because I overcame and did what Chad and I knew needed to happen. I needed to obey and go and not allow the enemy to steal from us yet another opportunity to be apart of advancing His kingdom in whatever ways we can. I honestly felt like I felt at the beginning of this 8 month journey, like I needed to be in a hospital bed somewhere. But God brought me to a very peaceful and trusting place with Him this weekend. He totally sustained me and even though I felt a little tortured, I was more graced and happy to be right where I was. I wasn't fearful of what was going on with my body, wasn't fearful as to whether or not God would come through for me. I just had... peace. That passes all of my understanding believe me.

What God really brought into focus for me is that as I have been laying everything down about myself and just surrendering to His perfect will for my life, He gives me the strength to follow through in the things that He wants me doing. In other words, He is ordering my every step...EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE I AM LIMPING! I feel like the sweet Olympian Kerri Strug! One of the most courageous things I have ever seen as a child, where she did her vault with pretty much a mutilated foot and stuck it perfect!

 You see, there's a book that I was reminded of, Leading with a Limp by Dan Allender. I need to go and read it once again, because I believe that may be my next step. I have been leading to an extent from this box that I have been in. But I have a feeling that God is increasing my boldness to do more leading, even though I feel like I am limping worse than I ever have. So I am really praying through that.

I don't want to do anything out of the motivation of proving something to myself, or the enemy or anybody. I just want to do what God is saying. He is so good and He proved to me, when He didn't have to, that He can still use me even though I feel like I don't have a body that wants to work.

I am really asking God to show me and open those doors and opportunities for me to take that bold step of faith. There's something to this whole dying to yourself thing...it works and God has His way and there's a peace and courage that takes over you in the midst of it. And believe me I know the difference when I am faking it to make it and when it is truly the grace and the favor of God on my life. That's what I felt this weekend.

I wish I could say that my body feels amazing and is perfectly whole in the physical. Even though it isn't quite yet, and I honestly don't know when it will be, but God's Word tells me it will be and that's all I need to know. And in the meantime, I am going to keep surrendering and allowing God to use me despite and just know that He is gonna meet me there every. single.time.

Thanks again for all the love and prayers while we were away, they were felt. We are happy to be back home with our babies and I am happy to be home in my little comfy corner on the couch. If you feel weak in any area of your life...just surrender and see what God does. There is no way you will be disappointed.

A Gust A Fresh Air

You get it, A gusta fresh air?! LOL! Sorry! Getting away for a couple of days from the routine has been refreshing and shown me that I actually have a brain that works outside of mommy mode! Yesterday we were given the pleasure of having a day off. It was just Chad and I...without babies, without stress. What's funny, is I felt pretty awful all day in my body, but we still overcame and enjoyed, so praise God.

Right now as we speak, Chad is teaching an awesome group of men some techie stuff which is way over my head for the most part ;-) But he is doing an amazing job! I am so proud of this man and who he is in the kingdom of God! So blessed to be his biggest cheerleader this weekend. We are going to be here at In Focus Church for day doing various things and we can't wait to attend their services tomorrow.

I just have to say that even though the weekend hasn't been ideal as far as my physical body, I am so grateful that God is sustaining me and that each day is better. I am trusting God that my body will be even stronger with every step we take today! God's grace is sufficient. I am in wean mode from benzo drugs and steroids and am trying to ignore everything that's trying to steal from this weekend.

Sometimes we have to determine to hold tight to the things that God has given us and not allow the enemy to come in to steal, kill and destroy that which we know God has given us. He is ordering our steps, therefore His grace is sufficient. Putting on the full armor of God is so important and vital to our existence and our advancing the Kingdom of God.

Please keep praying for us, my body, it means the world to us to have all of you standing with us. So until Monday, most likely...that's the skinny on what's happening here!

Quick update!!!

Guess what! We made it to our destination! I got in the car and made the trip with Chad. Praise Jesus! Praying that with each step of faith comes more restoration to my body! Please keep praying for us as we go and come. We are really looking forward to this weekend and know that God is ordering our every step. I haven't been on a trip this long since this whole journey began, so we know that God is doing the miraculous with me. I wish I could say that my body feels perfect, but what I can say is, I trust God completely!

Chad and I have needed this to happen for a while. It's good to get out and be able to be a blessing instead of what feels like a burden to people. We are looking forward to feeling the ease of God's yoke and lightness of His burden.

So, as silly as a little car ride might seem to some, it was a big mountain and a victory for me to overcome today...step 1, get in the car and make it to our destination...check! I will continue to update as we go along our little ministry get away...love you all and appreciate your prayers so much!

When I've Done All I Can Do And There's Nothing Left To Prove

Broken Things was gonna be the title of my post today, but instead it's a line from a song by Sarah Reeves called Broken Things. A song that has been touching me so deeply over the last few weeks. So much that when I hear it, all I can do is weep because it is right where I am 100%. This is one of the reasons I know that I will be singing this song one day :-), yes the fact that I can't breathe when I hear it because the Holy Spirit ministers to my very core so much that I can't speak. Here is a link to the song and the lyrics to go with it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jsEKXE-B3w

Verse 1: 
Here at the altar of the broken things
I'm finally throwing down this mirror of me 
When I've done all I can do and there's nothing left to prove
And I just need You

Chorus: 
I'm totally, completely dependent upon You 
I'm totally, completely dependent upon You

Verse 2: 
 Here at the place of empty vessels
I'm pouring out this heart of selfish ambition
When there's no more options left 
And I'm nothing but a mess
Well, that's when You're best

Verse 3:
When there's no words left to say
And there's nothing left to pray
I'll just wait...

Chorus 2: 
Cause You're totally, completely faithful to me
Cause You're totally, completely faithful to me

I can't even type these out without crying. Every word is right on for where I am, it's awesome. God is so faithful when we are completely broken for him. "When's there's no words left to say and there's nothing left to pray, I'll just wait..." Can't tell you how many times a day I could say this line.

I am doing a lot of breaking and waiting, breaking and waiting. Friday of last week, my neurologist called me in for a last minute visit because of some symptoms I have been experiencing over the last couple of weeks. I am still in the midst of weaning off of the medication that is so bad for me to be on long term. This particular symptom has been affecting my breathing and my mobility. Not fun to say the least. I dealt with it for about 2 weeks before I called the doctor. Chad and I locked ourselves in our room yesterday morning and just prayed for wisdom and we had a great peace about seeing what the doctors had to say. As of last night, I am on a familiar oral steroid treatment with the hopes that it will get my body back to where it needs to be. You have no idea how badly I want to just be able to just totally and completely be dependent on God's supernatural power. I want Him to heal me just by His Word being medicine to every part of me.

On Friday, my emotions were all over the map. On our way to the doctor, waiting to see the doctor, seeing the doctor...just tears. The thing that rose up in me and that I vocalized to Chad is that I am so tired of the enemy stealing from us so many things during this season. The things that I know are absolute God things. That's all the enemy comes to do is to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). He comes to steal our desires, dreams, our health you name it and then he kills and destroys all of it until they can't be resurrected. I feel like I have been on guard for 8 years so that this wouldn't happen and then I started getting weak physically and spiritually and could not combat him.

The good news....I've never been stronger in my life in the spirit and I finally have a new strength to fight him because the Word of God is living and active in my life like never before! We all have to run after God and access His grace and His strength to be able to live the abundant life that He has for us. He paid a great price for it. I am so in love with Him...

One more thing, with all of this going physically, Chad has been given an amazing opportunity this weekend to go and serve in his expertise at one of our Every Nation churches in Augusta, GA and I am going with him. We are even leaving our precious boys with family so that we can go do this together. With everything physically going on with me, I started to get discouraged that I might not be able to make the trip. But Chad and I are determined to not allow the enemy to steal this from us. So, if you will, please pray for us this weekend. In our going and our coming.

"When there's no more options left and I'm nothing but a mess...well, that's when You're best."

You know what's weird?

There is something that I have been dealing with throughout this 8 year journey that I have never really put a name to. But as the Holy Spirit is operating in me stronger and stronger each day, He has put a name to it for me. CONDEMNATION. I know, why would I be feeling this? I have had a constant feeling of condemnation that some how dealing with this sickness and walking through what I have been walking through is all my fault. For a season, I thought maybe it is because of something I've done or something I haven't done. While I know it's not my fault completely, I am convinced that there is a root cause of all of this that I am responsible for seeking God about. I don't know that I am completely free of this yet but God's Word is slowly revealing to me how to be completely free from this spirit.

First, Romans 8:1 + 2, " Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Okay, so the question is why do I feel condemned? I am in Christ Jesus and the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death, right? Trick question, I know why I am feeling this, take a look at this next scripture:

Romans 14:23, " BUT THE MAN WHO HAS DOUBTS IS CONDEMNED IF HE EATS, BECAUSE HIS EATING IS NOT FROM FAITH; AND EVERYTHING THAT DOES NOT COME FROM FAITH IS SIN."

Well that sounds familiar...DOUBT...that same old spirit that God has been trying to get rid of in me. Disbelief that what He says will come to pass. That's why I feel condemned because I doubt. Just another layer to break through to completely eradicate this thing in my life! It's exciting to be peeled away by God like an onion. The Holy Spirit is truly helping me to get to the very root cause of all of this.

My eyes are opened to this spirit of condemnation and it's cause and I have asked God to help me to stay accountable to this word so that I can over come in this area. If you feel condemned, just know that it's not from God, it's something in us, the Word clearly states that. We all have reasons or things in our lives that cause us to doubt God's promises. But just like from yesterday's post, just like Abraham, we have to ignore our circumstances and not stagger at the promises of God through unbelief (Romans 4:19,20).

I encourage you, as I encourage myself, to stay strong in faith and give all the glory to God even when you don't feel like it. We are going to see the miraculous happen in our lives.

Ima Back!

That's what Luigi says on Mario Brothers every time Parker uses a continue to keep playing the game with us. Which by the way, he has used 82 continues, which means he has used 410 lives! LOL! What's really funny, is that every time he gets a continue, he thinks it's points! He gets so excited and says, " I have 82 points!". Hahahahahahaha, so cute! We introduced him to Mario Brothers on the Wii and I think we have created a Mario monster! LOL! He loves it and we love that he is old enough and good enough to play with us!

It's been a couple of weeks since I have been able to to blog. Not because of time, just because of God's timing. I don't want to write just to write. I want to write when the Holy Spirit says to and today is one of those days. I finally have been released to share something that has really been speaking to me lately.

I brought up Mario Brothers for a reason. When we play with Parker, a lot of the time, we are jumping around like the three stooges and somebody's life always gets sacrificed for someone else to keep moving forward. Usually, because Parker likes to keep moving, it's him doing all the sacrificing! I know I shouldn't laugh, but it's quite funny to us! But on occasion, Chad and I take the hit so that Parker can keep moving forward. We lay down our mushroom headed lives to protect his and every time we do that, he notices and is so thankful!

I had a thought regarding a very familiar scripture. John 15:13, " Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends." We always look at these words that were spoken by Jesus and we think of how He laid down His life for us on the cross and that there could absolutely be no greater love than this. And I believe that with all of my heart. But what if we flipped it? What if we are showing our love for Jesus, as He is our friend, by laying down OUR lives for Him? There is no greater love than this. Taking up our cross daily, dying to ourselves daily to follow Him is the greatest love we could show our amazing God.

That's where I am right now. I have completely died to all of my dreams, desires, attitudes, you name it, I've died to it. I want Jesus to completely re-create me from the inside out. That's what this whole journey has been about for me. I am just finally broken down enough to allow Him to really do what he wants with no arterial motives in the way. I want to be in His perfect will for my life, because that's where the grace, the power and the miraculous is!

We are on week 3 out of a 12 week weaning process of this drug that I have been on. I had a set back a week ago and we had to re-evaluate the rate at which I was weaning. To be completely honest, I am so tired of being afraid of this whole process, so I am even dying to that. I was praying this morning and then opened to this scripture:

Romans 4:19 + 20, " And being not weak in faith he (Abraham) considered not his own body now dead, when he was about an hundred years old neither yet the deadness of Sarah's womb : he staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strong in faith giving Glory to God."

Abraham, considered not his own body. He ignored his flesh and stayed strong in faith, giving glory to God. And look at all that God did for Abraham and Sarah. He re-created them. They were physically and spiritually dead to themselves and God re-created them for His good pleasure, which put them in God's perfect will for their lives.

I don't want to stagger at the promise of God through unbelief. I am choosing to be strong in faith so that I can continue to give God all the glory for everything in this life. I heard something really good yesterday...it's not about what we are doing, but it's about what God is doing. It's not about us, even though it seems like it, it's ALL about Him.