New Year's Day Cliche

Blogging today does feel like a total cliche. Everyone is talking about new beginnings, new thoughts...well...just new everything. It's funny, I woke up this morning overwhelmed and completely finding my mind overtaken by the enemy with all the unanswered questions, with everything that I can't escape physically. It's just like the enemy to try and come and steal the last day of this year from me.

My amazing husband prayed me through it and then I had a little come to Jesus meeting while getting ready for the day. And the rest of this day has been amazing! We have family here and more fun to come this week along with some hard life things as well. We've gained so much this year, but loss will not go away.

I would like to say that I have some amazing revelation going into the new year, but I don't. I have the same revelation that I've had all year. God's Word has to stay living and active in my life and I have to be in constant submission to the Holy Spirit as my amazing Helper. 

For those of you who want an update on my mri that I had last week, it did show a small lesion on my brain but the doctors said that what I am experiencing physically should not be coming from that. So because we didn't get the scan from the bottom half of my neck down my spine we don't know if it was coming from that. Long story short, we decided to do another 3 day course of steroids but this time it has been better because of the adrenal medication. I have still had a week of craziness coming off of them, but am gaining strength each day.

I have a list of things that I am determined to check off at the beginning of this year, but if I had to have a resolution, it would be this: To take one day at a time, led by the Holy Spirit into all truth concerning this body of mine. We need answers. We need breakthrough and no more masking and covering up. What that means, we don't know. But we don't have to, because He does!

January 5th will mark a year of this intense battle and I have a lot of hope that God is going to begin to move us forward in ways that we can't imagine.

Luke 12:34, " For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."  And to add to that... Proverbs 4:23, " Guard your heart ABOVE ALL ELSE, for it determines the course of your life."

ABOVE ALL ELSE...guard your heart, your treasure, that's what determines our footsteps. Figure out what your treasure is. For me, above all else, it's the Word of God and the Holy Spirit. I want to guard it, because it's a treasure, the most valuable thing in my life. I'm pretty sure the journey ahead is determined and it is so good.

Happy New Year everyone, love you all very much!

Hospital Cheer or Holiday Cheer?

I think the answer is both. Even though it's been quite a busy month, Chad and I are still having a great time enjoying the holidays despite what our journey has been with me physically. Today I get to bring some cheer to Mayo Clinic! I get to spend about 3 hours or so soaking in the scenery. Gonna get some blood work done, drop off some Christmas cards and end the day with a relaxing mri of my brain :-) Yep that's right. We prayed and decided that after 5 months of being off the ms meds it is time to take a look at what is going on inside this body of mine. We are not making any decisions as far as going back on meds. Just taking a look and continuing to do what we have been doing this whole time. Praying and waiting on God's wisdom and next steps for us in this journey.

Last week was really hard for me emotionally and physically and this week a little better. Some days barely able to walk or use my arms and then some days that are what my average is these days. Just surviving and trying to have a little normalcy along with it. I will admit...I have been caving and internalizing my struggle over the last couple of weeks. Honestly, I just didn't have the energy to do anything else but that. But then, finally over this last weekend and the beginning of this week, God started to speak and I decided to listen and allow myself to let go of some more of the struggle.

It really all came to a head for me this past Sunday. The word that our pastor brought forth was, of course, perfect timing for me. He was talking out of Luke 1:5-24 about Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth. The story goes Zechariah was appointed to do great things and meanwhile he and his wife couldn't bear a son. So the short version, an angel visited Zechariah and said that his wife would bear a son etc. etc. Well Zechariah questioned the angel and God, pretty much doubted what he was saying. He wanted to be sure, the scripture says, of what he was he was hearing.

Well the angel that visited Zechariah in the temple said, " I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time." (vs. 19 + 20) 

So, to get to the point, my pastor brought this out..., " Unbelief will make you lose your voice." WOW. Yes, doubt, unbelief, not having faith in what God has promised, however you want to say it, it will make you lose your voice or what stuck out to me, your influence. Now that is not something that I am willing to give up or lose! I have struggled this year with my unbelief and it's worse at certain times and it was these last couple of weeks for me. I overcame, so I am happy about that, but it was a fight and an exhausting one at that. I'm sure it won't be the last. 

Last thing. I ran into a friend in the rotunda of our church who has been going through a journey of their own and this person had a word from God for me to. This individual said that God gave them a vision of being in a pool. You know, when you jump into really deep water and you are sinking and sinking and sinking and you feel like you are never gonna find the bottom? But then, your feet hit the bottom and what do you do? Yeah, you bet, you push as hard as you can off the bottom of that pool so that you can get to the top as fast as possible! 

What a great picture. I feel like I have been drowning and sinking for about 8 years and getting deeper and deeper just this last year. This word encouraged me to remember that there is a bottom to this pool and when I reach it then God will give me the strength to get right back to the top again. 

So I came away from the weekend and the first part of this week built back up spiritually and emotionally, praise God. It's exhausting being me sometimes! 

I am so grateful for what I have and for my family and all that we get to enjoy this holiday season. We are praying God's word and will over my mri today. Whatever the results may be He is still Lord of our situation and our lives and we couldn't be more honored and excited about that. 

If this is my last post before Christmas, I want to say, Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you for continuing to pray and stand with us. It's the best present we could receive going into this new year. Love you all!  

Holiday Hangover

It's not even Christmas yet and I feel like I have a massive hangover from all the activity! We had 3 amazing parties this weekend! And more to come these next couple of weeks. I am so thankful that I get to be apart. I spent most of the week watching cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies. You know the ones, all the same story, pretty much and I sobbed through all of them lol...so hilarious. It was all I could do though. Up until Thursday, I didn't even think this weekend would be possible physically, much less this month. Adrenal issues, once again, back on adrenal meds but within 24 hours I was off the couch. Although I can't guarantee that there will not be more Hallmark movies in my future :-D

Last week, Chad and I were talking through some decisions, as much as I would like to ignore all of this during the Christmas season, it just won't go away. Anyway, we made a decision to get some mri's scheduled to see where we are after being off of ms meds for over 4 months now! We just want to see where the symptoms are coming from and we feel a great peace that God is moving us to see this. Whatever it looks like we will go from there. I was also feeling the Holy Spirit talk to me about getting back on the adrenal meds. I could feel my body crashing so fast until this week when it got bad again.

Now in the midst of all of this calling doctors, I told Chad, I feel like I was cheating on God calling my doctors. That some how my faith was not intact still. That I was doubting that He still has healed me and still has us on this incredible journey and is still working it out for our good.

Then I was reminded of all the ways in the Bible where Jesus used other methods to heal people. Herbs, mud on the eyes, jumping into a dirty washing pool...there were some that He did not directly touch. You get what I'm saying.

I felt really selfish on the phone with my nurses last week. I was just telling them that I really want to enjoy my husband and my boys for the holidays and not be plastered to the bed. They of course totally agreed and I know the Holy Spirit agrees with that too.

He is so loving and wants us to have that "mud" that we may need at times to help with our process. So we are at peace with our current status. We still need everyone praying because after we get through this month of trying to ignore real life ;-) we are going to have to start making some decisions that we have really been praying through.

I am so excited to see what God is doing...it's so hard to believe that this journey we have been on is coming up on a year now. So bittersweet. You've heard me say this before, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My "hangover" is slowly diminishing and because God is so present in my life, I'm thankful I get to enjoy this time of year despite what I am trying my best to ignore. God is still totally in control!

Let the Christmas music play and may the Hallmark channel be forever in our lives!!!

The KISS Method

You all know the KISS method right? "Keep It Simple Stupid"...except for in our house it's "Keep It Simple Silly" because the word stupid is a forbidden word!

Been getting my Word time in this morning and a particular clump of verses just really stuck out to me and I heard the Lord say, " This is easy, I made it simple for you to receive your miracle". Today marks the 4th month of Chad and I completely standing and believing on God's Word that He has healed me of ms. No meds for 4 months...amazing. Wish I felt amazing, that's coming to.

Proverbs 3:5-8, " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."

Okay, so let's break this down...let's use the KISS method!

Steps to receiving health in my body and nourishment to my bones:

1. Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART. 
* I know this sounds funny but this is the hardest step, if you can conquer this then the rest should be easy.
2. Lean not on your own understanding. 
* This didn't use to be easy for me, but as we have gotten further in this journey and my pride has been knocked around, I have absolutely no problem completely trusting God's understanding over my own, Lol. I have learned how much I really don't know and it's to much work trying to be God.
3. In all your ways acknowledge Him. 
*I can give Him all the glory for everything in my life, that's easy, I am nothing without Him.
4 .Do not be wise in your own eyes.
*Again, this didn't use to be easy, but I know  whose wiser than me these days ;-)
5. Fear the Lord and shun evil. 
*Okay...so honor the Lord, respect His ways and not the ways of the world...got it.


So there you go! Five easy steps to have health in our bodies. Simple, yeah? LOL! We all know it's not as easy as it looks. But it can be if we allow God's process to stay at work in us. And that's why I think in this part of our journey it does seem simpler. We have had to go through a lot for these steps to seem easier. We are just more prideful and more stubborn than most I guess ;-).

I am thankful that even though I don't feel amazing, I have the faith to believe that I will. God's Word is so powerful. Just have to get intimate with His Word and KISS it sometimes :-)

" And they shall WALK, and not FAINT"

I woke yesterday morning with this scripture swirling around in my head:

Isaiah 40:31, " But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall WALK, and not FAINT."

God totally allowed this scripture to rise up within me yesterday as I was getting myself going for the day. Side note: it pays to hide God's Word in your heart, when you don't have time to pick up a Bible and read it at that moment :-). All of you who know this journey we have been on know that I am coming up on the 4 month mark of being off of all ms medications this Saturday! Chad and I are continuing to stand and believe that God's Word is true and will not return void in this area of our lives. I am healed of ms! Not symptom free and feeling amazing but healed, because God calls me healed. He has promised this to me and He is no respecter of persons ( Romans 2:11). Meaning, if He can and will heal one, He can and will heal me.

So with that in mind, the Holy Spirit was encouraging me with the above scripture. These symptoms are no fun. I'm exhausted all the time, I am tingling all over, my legs are weak and painful and sometimes, I am so dizzy, I feel like I can hardly stand up. With all that said, I am still functional on my own most days and can take care of my home, my husband and my boys, so Praise God!

Back to the Word...you all know we have been waiting on the Lord for so much and as we are He is renewing our strength literally everyday to be able to accomplish what I am accomplishing every day. Not gonna lie, I don't feel like I can soar quite like an eagle everyday, but there are some days where there used to be none.

I used to run, actually 3 miles everyday until November of last year and since then I can barely take a walk down the street...driving me crazy, yes, because I love to work out! I am believing that one day soon I will be able to run again, like this scripture says, and not grow weary.

For now though, I am mostly encouraged by the part that says, " and they shall WALK, and not FAINT." Literally speaking LOL! I am happy to be able to literally walk and not faint everyday!

God's Word is so amazing how alive and active it can be. When we allow it to be alive and active. We have to keep hiding it in our hearts and keep it always before us. I am seriously only making it through this journey because of this.

All of us are on a journey, all of us need the Word of God to " be a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path" ( Psalm 119:105)

He is faithful, His Word will never return void in our lives and He is a loving and amazing God. Believe it today and then start over tomorrow until it's all you know!

Authority and Miracles

These are the two words that keep whirling around in my head after an amazing worship night at our church last night.

First, let me start by explaining how yesterday was. I did ask all of you to pray and  as I explain just keep reading and you will see how God used you. I started the morning barely being able to move or breathe. It actually felt like I was having some kind of ms flare up. I felt horrible...I mean worse than I have felt since before I was back on the benzo drug. It was laughable, really, ridiculous. Of course, it was the day of ETS (Engage the Spirit) our worship night at our church at which I was going to sing for the first time in a year. I don't know why I was surprised to wake up in that state given what God was planning to do last night, but I was. It was a really hard day.

Got to rehearsal and the whole time, my body just kept getting worse and worse. I was literally holding my breathe to sing and by the time we were done, I was in melt down mode, just out of complete frustration. I was seriously having a conversation with God saying, " I am getting on that stage God. You told me to do this, so I guess if I pass out it will be all your fault and you can take the blame!" I know, I'm surprised He didn't strike me down right there! Lol! I was frustrated because I was wanting God to make it easy. I should have been taking authority over the enemy and not acting like a teenage girl that's arguing with her dad, real mature, right.  I pulled Chad aside and asked him to pray for me before the service started.

The first part of the night we had a pastor within our network who operates in a prophetic gifting. He is so meek and humble and highly anointed and brought a powerful, timely word regarding the midnight hour. How do we make it through our dark times etc. To much to really say here, anyway, I sat on the front row and literally cried the entire time! So, when he was wrapping it up I went in the back to get myself together and get ready to get on the stage.

We got on the stage and the first song out of the gate was one I was co-leading with one of our other leaders and the anointing fell right then and for the rest of the night I sat on that stool and sang with such power and authority like I have never felt before in my life while singing! God came through for me...SURPRISE! I don't know why I ever doubted it. It was a powerful night.

So back to those words, authority and power. I am started to really study the Word regarding the authority that we carry and that God has given us. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface.

Romans 13:1, " Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."


I believe that the new authority on my life is due to first, the grace and love of God and secondly, the fact that I have chosen to intentionally submit myself to Him as my ultimate governing authority. I am so honored to operate in this authority and pray that God continues to allow me to. I can't wait to see how God uses everything that we have been going through and am glad that He is still using me despite my weakness.


He has never left me or forsaken me. Last night was a miracle and I am living today knowing that there is more authority and miracles to come!

I can predict the future...

You heard me right. I can predict the future. I have this secret weapon, it's called the Word of God. It tells me everything that was, that is and that will be. It's the most powerful weapon I have ever had in my possession.

This week marks 3 1/2 months of being off of all ms medications. Let's just give God glory now! Am I completely symptom free? Absolutely....NOT! Lol! Yes, I can laugh, because that weapon I own tells me that I will be free.

Every time I open the Word over the last few weeks, I keep going back to Romans 5. There is something that God is trying to get through this thick skull of mine apparently. But today, I can't even get past the first 2 verses, " Therefore, since we have been justified (qualified) through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace (favor) in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God."

Yeah, exactly, so much freedom and truth in those two verses. So much that if we really understand them we can live a victorious, amazing day. We are qualified through the faith that we have in Jesus and therefore have obtained the grace (favor) with God Almighty, that helps us survive every day. And we rejoice in the hope that God's glory will be made known through us!

I was asked this past week how do I experience God and the first thing that rolled off my lips was by opening the Word of God. When I open the Word, it doesn't matter how I feel, if my boys are running around being crazy, the house is a mess etc...Jesus comes to life right then to me. Experiencing God used to just be about a feeling for me, but it hasn't been that way for quite some time.

Then I was asked what happens when I experience Jesus. And again, the first thing that flowed from my mouth, without even having to think, was that Jesus comes to life and therefore all of His promises come to life and it completely erases any fear and doubt that I may have woken up with that day. I live each day in freedom because of this. At least for now, freedom in my mind, gradually in my body.

This week, I have been given the opportunity to sing at our worship night. God told me to be there and available, so I am doing it completely out of faith. For those of you who know this journey, this is quite a big moment for me and a miracle for me to be able to step on the stage. I don't like to be needy...but I need all of you praying for me this week! I have no agenda other than His so I know that He will be there in the moment. Just have to keep my mind out of trouble and all of you backing me up helps big time with that :-)

Okay, are you ready? I am gonna predict our future right now...Jeremiah 29:11, " For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

If you haven't spoken the Word over your life yet today, STOP whatever you are doing and run to it. There's nothing more important!

Psalm 30...definitely a word for today!

Yes, I did the whole, what day is it, turn to that Psalm and you know what I found? The absolute perfect word from God for me today.

Psalm 30

1.I will exalt You, O Lord, for You lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 

2.O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You healed me. 

3.O Lord, You brought me up from the grave; You spared me from going down into the pit.

4.Sing to the Lord, you saints of His; praise His holy name.

5.For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6.When I felt secure, I said, " I will never be shaken." 

7.O Lord, when You favored me, You made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid Your face, I was dismayed.

8.To You, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: 

9."What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?

10.Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."

11.You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 

12.that my heart heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.

No embellishment needed on this one today! I pray it speaks to you the way that God needs it to for you to overcome today. God's Word is so living and active, just can't get enough!

What if you only had 3 months?

I know that sounds a bit morbid! This coming week marks the 3 month mark of being off of all the ms medications! Praise God! Chad and I are continuing to believe that I am healed of ms despite what my body may feel. I have gone off of the ms medications in the past to get pregnant and by about the 3 month mark is when I have usually experienced some major issues. Although it is in the back of mind, I am trying to re-program my mind to think on things that are above like the fact that no weapon formed against me will prosper and that I will continue to regain strength and healing with every month not go the opposite direction.

Romans 5:5, " And hope (to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence)  does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us."

I am hoping or looking forward to with desire and reasonable confidence that God's love for me is evident in my heart via the Holy Spirit. I want to continue to live by the Spirit so that my mind and body will align with all the promises that God has laid out before me. I want to have confidence that God has healed my body from this disease and that when we hit that 3 month mark things are just gonna keep getting better and better. I have the faith, just still working on that complete confidence.

So to work on that confidence...I don't just have 3 months, I have however long God decides to give me not some ms medication. I know that God has healed me and we continue to stand and believe. We believe that God's word is living and active in our lives therefore we can walk as if we are whole and healed and we are promised a long and fruitful life. Look it up! Trust me, it's there!

Let's put our hope in Him today and everyday and let the Holy Spirit be our Helper.

Miracles do happen!

Yes, they happen! He does still perform them in this time! It's been quite an eventful month. I had to get on here and just write about God's greatness. As I have been recovering over this last month, I have tackled some pretty big things, big things to me at least. First, the Word, can't do anything without that...

Psalm 77:14, " You are the God who performs miracles; You display Your power among the peoples."

So this word is definitely living and active in my life these days. While I still don't feel like I can run a marathon or do the things that I would consider completely normal, here's a few miraculous things to give God glory for:

1. This is the 2nd week in a row where I haven't needed anyone here with me at my house to help me with my boys because of health reasons.

2. I have driven my car 3 times within the last two weeks. One of those times was yesterday, completely by myself! I went to the grocery store, did the shopping and drove home for the first time in 9 months!

3. This past Friday night, I sang, yes, I sang. I sang for our Canvas event at church for a beautiful woman of God who was performing a dance. I told some friends I could have just taken 3 steps on the stage and walked off and been grateful! LOL! It was a miracle for me to be up there doing that.

Now some of you may be saying, " Well you are back on that benzo drug that seems to help etc." Let me just clear one thing up. While the benzo drug has helped, it is not the cure all, trust me. I still go through more physically than I care too. I will not allow the world to take credit for what God has done for me. The things that He has allowed me to do is just that, things that HE has allowed me to do, not a medication.

I am still off of all ms medications and plan to stay off of them as we are continuing to believe that I am healed. As for where we go from here, I don't know, I just know it's gotta be good because we are walking by the the Spirit and trusting Him every step of the way.

Please keep praying, we feel all of it, please believe me. We have that grace and peace because there are so many of you holding us up. If you are having a hard time believing or trusting God for a miracle or even that He does them...here's your little bit of encouragement from my corner. He does and He will.

A tribute to Thomas

Yes, doubting Thomas. He's the person on my mind this morning. I have been reading about him this morning and there are some amazing things that God is revealing to me. Of course I had to jump on here and share! It's really important that I write out the passage of scripture that I am studying today so that I can highlight certain things so here we go...

John 20: 24-31, "24. Now Thomas one of the twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came.25. So the other disciples told him,' We have seen the Lord!' (I can hear Thomas thinking, well goody for you) But he said to them, ' Unless I see the nail marks in His hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe it.'

* The first thing that stuck out to me was that Thomas was not with the other disciples when Jesus first came. He wasn't around to witness that miracle. I realized that even though I have witnessed God's presence many times, I'm not sure that I have actually seen the miraculous, as in healings etc. People who could not see, getting their sight back. People who were lame and get up and start walking. I haven't really witnessed God's presence in that way in real time. I have seen it on tv or read stories, but it's not the same, according to Thomas, as being there. Otherwise, the other disciples witnessing it and just telling Thomas about it would have been good enough. But it wasn't if you read that rest of the above verses.

26. A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ' Peace be with you!' 27.Then He said to Thomas, ' Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' 

* Wow. How many of us want Jesus to just show up like that in our situations. Jesus had a special mercy on Thomas to show up like that and give Thomas the proof that he desired. I mean, come on. He literally got exactly what he asked for. I have to admit, that during my journey, I have wanted God to show up like that. If I could just touch His hands, see His face so that this whole doubting and disbelief would completely disappear and not be a battle that I have to keep fighting.

29.Thomas said to Him, ' My Lord and my God!' Then Jesus told him, ' Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'

* Um, duh, if Thomas didn't believe after this, well, he needs counseling. But what's hilarious is that even though, like I said earlier, I haven't seen miracle after miracle in my face, I have seen the presence of God in powerful ways. He has even used me to usher that presence in and yet, I am still shaken in my belief every day...so I believe I'm the one who needs counseling! All kidding aside...Jesus said blessed are we who HAVE NOT SEEN AND YET HAVE BELIEVED. That's us, we have not seen Jesus physically in front of us but we still continue to hang on and believe that He will do what He has promised and that He exist. That makes us BLESSED(divinely or supremely favored; fortunate,blissfully happy or contented).

30. Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of His disciples, which are not recorded in this book. 31. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in His name."

* Ah, yes, the powerful Word of God. Always there for us. It is our proof, time and time again that we have no reason to doubt or fear that He is good and that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. We do not have to be shaken or blown about by the wind every time something happens that seems contrary to what He has promised. The Word, the Word, the Word. We have to keep it in us until it's apart of us like an appendage. When it's not there we should feel like something is very wrong and something is really missing.

I write this today, because more of my tears come from the fact that I detest that I have to convince my mind and my body everyday not to doubt God and all that He has said. I am overcoming. I do believe and I am not in fear. God is just continuing to back up everything through His Word so that I can continue to help others get free from these nagging things. We have to keep speaking out loud the miraculous. We have to keep encouraging each other with how God is showing up in our lives.

Yesterday was not an amazing day for me physically and neither is today really, but I went to church yesterday and I drove my car for a 20 minute stent, painted pumpkins with my boys and our wonderful neighbors and today I am completely on my own with my babes! Yes, God is so, so good!

So thanks Doubting Thomas, I'm glad you got your proof, I believe I got mine too!

I need encouragement!!!

And not because I am discouraged at this moment and time! I am actually feeling pretty encouraged this morning. I am armored up and God's word is pumping through my veins. I had a thought as I was reading these verses:

Psalm 9:1-2, " I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High."

I tend to gather a lot of my encouragement just from the Holy Spirit and from the Word of God recently as opposed to watching or listening or reading the testimonies of others. It's just where God has had me. But lately I have been hearing how God has been miraculously moving in people's lives and it is encouraging me so much more than it ever has before. I was thinking that everyone who reads this blog today could take a second and just list one good thing that God is doing in your life. It can be so simple...I mean to the extent that you got out of bed this morning! I figure if we all do this then we can encourage each other at the same time and do exactly what Psalm 9:1-2 says. We can rejoice in Him and give praise to who deserves it.

My pastor said something great in his message on Sunday. He was talking about armoring up and he said behind our circumstances is a coward aka the enemy, scheming to see how he can get us to veer from God. He hates when we actually give glory to God. He can't stand it...it's like we are kicking him in the face! 

Not everything has to be perfect for us to give glory to God, boy do I know that. Although I am doing better, things certainly are not where they need to be. But here's what I know, Psalm 9:10, " Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You." 

So me first...even though I am back on the benzo drug and I am still off of all ms medications and I am not having any issues in that area. I drove for the first time in almost 10 months yesterday and for the past two weeks, I have been off the couch and taking care of my family and my home. I will be able to be at my brother's wedding this week too! I could keep going, but it's your turn to recognize God's goodness in your life. Just leave your comments on here or Facebook!

God is too good and we don't give Him nearly enough credit for everything that is going right in our lives, so let's start today and help each other pick up our shield of faith. Maybe it won't be so heavy to carry today :-)

"And Even Now,

As we sing Your Name, grace is falling, chains are breaking. Even now as we sing Your Name, Jesus!" (Sarah Reeves "Sweetest Name"). I was gonna say SOMETIMES all we need is the name of Jesus, but that's not true. We need the name of Jesus all the time. In our deepest darkest valleys and on our highest mountain peak. What would happen if we all just stopped everything we were doing right now and just said His name? Go ahead, I dare you, do it...just try it. I'll wait....


The Bible says in Acts 4:12, " Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." I love how it says, " by which we MUST be saved". We must means we have to. I don't know about you, but I need saving everyday. And some days every moment of the day. All I have to do is call on the name of Jesus and every bit of grace and strength and mercy comes flooding into my spirit and sets me free for that moment.

Psalm 3:1-4," O Lord, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me: Many are saying of me, God will not deliver him. But You are a shield around me, O Lord; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill."

There are so many people that are filled with doubt that God has not or will not deliver me from this current trial. I'm sure it's the same for all of you too. But I just look at them and say, " Jesus". That's really what Psalm 3 is saying right? We cry His name and He is right there.

I challenge you in every moment of your day today and everyday to just stop and say His name. See what happens. Don't just do it when you need saving, do it because it's the sweetest thing that will ever come from your lips. Just say it because He is worth being mentioned and worth being recognized in our lives. He's just...awesome.

Thank You Jesus, we say Your name and recognize that it is the sweetest thing that we could ever say. Thank You for walking with us as we depend on Your Holy Spirit to be our helper. We love you so much. We honor You Jesus. AMEN!

The Real Me

Is still broken, in a good way, and completely fragile. In a couple of weeks, I have been asked to sing  for our Canvas event at the church. It will be the first time in almost a year since I have taken to that black wood. Yes, I am having to really work up the courage for that moment. That's the real me right now. I have been back on medication for a couple of weeks now and am almost completely functional on my own. I am still off of all ms medications, going on 2 months now. Praise God.

Chad and I are in an unbelievable place spiritually with all of this. We are confident that we made the right the decision to go back on the benzo drug, but are also still confident that Jesus is the only way out of all of this. He is the only answer on the other side. We are just masking the symptoms but we really need Him to heal me through and through and show us our next steps in this journey.

We have come to a new level in the matter of fear and doubt. We are still standing and believing that no matter what my body says, I am healed of ms! I am grateful to be able to function and am in no rush to do the things that seem to want to pressure me...like driving or even just being on my own for a whole day with my precious boys. God's timing is perfect and His grace is perfectly sufficient.

The real me is having to rebuild my confidence and my trust in what this body can do. Then I remember this verse Philippians 4:13, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." We have all heard this verse a million times. But here's what I hear the Holy Spirit saying to me through it today. I can do all things through Him...who strengthens me. So if it's not through Him then I can't do it. If it is through Him, then I will have all the strength and the courage I need to accomplish that which is in front of me.

I need this reminder everyday as I hear the Holy Spirit prompting me to take steps forward. Joshua 1:9, " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Do not be terrified...do not be discouraged, He is with me wherever I go. Wow, peace just floods every part of me as this word is living and active in me.

Transparent as I can be, the real me is moving onward and trying to advance God's Kingdom in the midst of what seems to be such a hopeless mess. I know that when I am weak, He is strong.

Emergency Room Visit #7

Isn't 7 the number of perfection? Yeah, that's what I thought. We landed ourselves in the ER this past Saturday night. After all of the physical torture and torment of the last 12 weeks of weaning from the benzo drug I have been on, I found my self curled up in a ball with every muscle on the outside of my body and the inside of my body seizing. I could breathe worst of all and it just wouldn't stop. So 911 was the call.

Earlier that day Chad and I had been discussing the option of going back on the benzo drug and taking a different approach to the wean. Obviously the way we did it did not work for me. We need to figure out a way to slow it way down and we actually have learned some of those methods. Now I know this seems completely contrary to what were trying to do, going back on this powerful drug, but we had a tremendous peace and really, no other choice at that moment. It was either that, or not be able to breath or move for how ever long and we just know that God does not require that of me. He is a loving God and I am so thankful for a husband who operates out of the wisdom of God and was able to make the call.

30 minutes after taking the drug in the er, I could move and most likely could have walked out of there. The next day, I got out of bed for the first time by myself in two weeks and was able to even get a little cleaning done around the house. We are convinced that everything I was experiencing was withdrawal, but I just couldn't stick with staying off and my husband agreed and we felt like the Holy Spirit did to.

Where we are at is we are going to allow my body to stabilize and then we are going to re approach how to wean again more safely. We are completely at peace with this.

The victory was that we didn't go the er on Saturday our of fear and doubt that God wasn't for us. We went because after being completely surrounded with prayer and being completely willing to push through anything and not getting that breakthrough in my physical body, we went.

Chad and I still believe that I have been healed of ms and are still not taking any medications in that area. We also still believe that God wants me completely free from all of this, we just have to keep hearing His voice moment by moment to get to that complete place of freedom.

2 Corinthians 3:17, " Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." So wherever the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Whether we are in our home, whether we are in our car, whether we are in the emergency room. We have a choice in the midst of our circumstances to either completely feel bound by them or to allow the Spirit of God to present and minister freedom to us in the midst of them. That's what Chad and I did in the er this last Saturday.

We still feel free and know that the manifestation of that is coming. We don't doubt it for a second, we just have to get my body to line up with that. I have to admit, it's nice to not be bound to the bed and feeling like my whole body feels like when you touch a battery to your tongue!

Please keep praying for us, obviously the journey still continues and we have more to push through and understand. We feel extremely victorious and we know that our faith and belief is still intact!

Pursuit=Desire in Action

It's amazing to me how loving God is that He would intentionally pursue us. I mean, it seems like that wouldn't be high on His priority list. But it's the highest thing to Him. His relationship to us is the most important thing. He is constantly chasing after us because of His love and mercy for us. He can't help it because God is love. It's His nature to pursue us, chase after us. Hello, He laid His life down just so we could have a relationship with Him. I'm pretty sure that makes us His top priority and object of affection.

I have received so much encouragement from so many of you throughout this journey. It's been amazing. I have felt pursued. If I am being honest, I don't always see God behind that encouragement. Not because of any of you, but because, for some reason, I am blinded to the idea that God actually cares. I don't always feel God pursuing me through your encouraging words and that is something that He is really dealing with me about.  There are certain times when I really know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God is pursuing me and is really trying His hardest to make sure that I hear Him. Yesterday was one of those days for me. It's like I was the only one on the planet that He cared about! It was just one thing after another yesterday. Everything I needed to hear, everyone that I needed to call, called. I was able to walk around all day by myself. He not only talked to me, He showed me, physically that He was pursuing me. I knew that God was focused on me.

You may ask, why is that such a big deal? Um...let's see...He's only the Creator of the universe, the Beginning and the End, the only one that can heal me...shall I go on? Yeah, it's a big deal when He pursues me. I feel like when I was dating Chad. I craved his pursuit. I wanted him to chase after me. I wanted to see what he desired for me in action, not just words. That's what I have wanted from God. I not only want Him to talk to me, but I want to see that His desire for me is to be healed. Not just by reading His Word, but His Word actually being living and active in me. Where my physical body actually manifest what He is saying should be. Powerful. As we have been completely submitting ourselves to Him in this process, He is showing us how to conform to His image and as we do that we are able to see His desire in action, His purpose.

Romans 8:28, " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (desire in action)." God works for the good of those who first love Him and secondly have been called according to HIS desire in action (purpose), NOT OURS. Do you get it? It's all about Him. It's all about us loving Him enough to conform to Him.

Psalm 37:4, " Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Interpretation: Enjoy God and He will give you purpose. I am seeing and feeling God's pursuit of me, His desire in action, His purpose for this life He has given me.

Let the journey continue :-)

My View

It's beautiful, both physically and spiritually. I am spending the morning in my bed, looking out my windows at the awesome breeze in the woods behind our house. It's gloriously gloomy as well, which always makes the melancholy side of me flourish :-) All day yesterday, I could hardly move because I was feeling almost paralyzed from my mid-section on up through my head. Pretty miserable and last night when Chad and I made our way to bed, I had uncontrollable shaking all over my body. Chad started to pray over me and I really believe that's what made it stop. God met us right here and I don't even remember falling asleep. I am in awe of how amazing God is and how amazing my husband is.

This morning, I awoke feeling completely drained, with all of the symptoms from yesterday and decided that it might be best to just rest and hang back in bed as opposed to my second home, the couch! We started the morning praying without ceasing and I am convinced that we are the perfect definition of having "peace that passes  all understanding" (Phil. 4-7).

Psalm 18:28, " You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." As dark as this season feels or looks, God is still allowing us to see the light in the midst of it as we continue to trust and submit ourselves to Him. Proverbs 18:14, " The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?".

The key to perfect peace and peace that passes all understanding is complete surrender and dependence on the Holy Spirit in our lives. If we don't do that we won't see any light and we will definitely be crushed in spirit.

I'm not gonna lie, our flesh, especially mine, is searching for some kind of confirmation as to what I am experiencing. Is it ms? Is it benzo withdrawal? These questions are a constant in this human brain of mine. Last night these questions were burning a hole through my skull when I heard God say, " Why do you find it so hard to believe that I would bless you and heal you?" I still can't answer that question. But it's okay because I am continuing to trust God despite what my body is going through.

You see, it doesn't matter if it's ms or benzo withdrawal. It's all the same, I need Jesus to heal me no matter what. Sure, I could run to my doctors and try more medications, but ultimately, only He can heal and save me from this. So, we wait and we trust.

I like my view today...even though it's from my bed, because I know He's with me and will never leave me or forsake me.

How could we be back to the beginning???

Wow...can I just say wow? Since my last post on Monday, it has felt like all hell has broke loose! Coincidence? Until this morning, I wasn't able to answer that question with a no without hesitation. Just to recap the week...Tuesday through Thursday I could not pick up my head because of severe vertigo. Thursday through today, on top of the vertigo, spasms throughout my whole body and from my neck up, including my face, loss of sensation and the feeling as though I am paralyzed and nerve pain and burning in the same location, massive breathing issues and horrible weakness through out my whole body.

So why am I telling you all of this, it's so encouraging, right? I am sharing with you the details because you need to understand what kind of faith it takes for us to be where we are right now. Yesterday was our 10 year anniversary. It was spent on the phone with doctors and having a severe allergic reaction to a medication (that we should not have taken and we knew it, the flesh is so weak!). The awesome thing is that my mom took the boys for the night and they just came back about an hour ago. Chad and I sat here and literally cried out to God for a miracle. We were and are so desperate for Him to show Himself to us. I went to bed feeling a little less tormented in my mind, but not so much in my body.

This morning, I wake up crying because my mind had convinced me that I could not get out of the bed because of what my body is feeling. Here's where the good part comes in (I can hear you saying. thank You Lord). Chad and I began talking out our weaknesses, our deep down doubts and fears...to the extent of believing does God really exist (yep, seriously, don't judge us)! We got to a moment where it was silent and in rang a text from a mighty woman of God and she said, " Praying for healing and breakthrough for you this morning..." I'm not kidding when I say, I started to cry and I threw the phone at Chad and said, " Tell me God doesn't exist!" It was perfect timing. From that moment, we started to pray in the spirit. We poured it all out and asked God to completely once and for all deliver us from our fears and our doubt. We asked God to help us to draw a line in the sand. We know that God did something in that moment that we will forever talk about and that will forever aid Him in setting people free, through us, from fear and doubt.

So how does my body feel? Answer: Like I should be in a hospital somewhere doped up on major drugs until this is all over. But, I got out of bed :-) Honestly, I couldn't write until this moment because I was allowing my mind and my spirit to take a back seat to my body. Now, my mind and spirit are back in the place that they should be! Fixed on Jesus. We are learning to praise God and give thanks in everything.

Here's the Word of God for today to us...James 1:4, " Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." If you keep reading through vs 8 it talks about asking for God's wisdom and believing, not doubting, when we ask so that we will not be an unstable people.

We are all blown around every time the wind changes. It's time for that to stop. It's time for us to be "mature and complete, not lacking anything". So perseverance must be allowed to finish it's work in us. I don't know what's coming, but I know Him. Enough said.

I've never "ben-zo" free

Have any of you ever played the game Mad Gab? Well, if you have then you know what I am trying to say in my title of today's blog! I am happy to announce(yes happy, not dreading) that I took my last benzo pill last night! It's been a long 12 weeks and we still have technically a couple of weeks to go, but no more feeding my body with this drug. If I am being completely honest, my body is not happy that it's the last pill it gets to have. We are still working through some various other things, but again, we have never known God's grace to be so sufficient.

On Sunday, our pastor preached an amazing message. Everything he said was powerful but there are two things that really stuck out to me that God is working with me on.

1. Jesus was always advancing the Kingdom of God in His peaks and in His valleys.

No matter what Jesus was walking through, He was always about His Father's business. What an example. I have been praying a lot recently asking God to show me if there is anything else that I should be doing in my valley to advance His kingdom. For a while now, I have been making excuses as to why I can't and granted there have been some valid moments in this journey where it just wasn't possible to do anything other than sit on the couch. But God is pushing me to a whole new standard. He is pushing me towards greatness which means I have to be willing to push pass what my body is doing to a whole new level. Just when I think I can get a little comfortable, if you can be in a body like mine! Just kidding, I am anything but comfortable...

So, how do I apply this practically? Romans 8:14, " For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God." In other words, I am learning to be a true child of God. If He isn't saying it, I'm not doing it. If He is saying it, I am doing it! I am being led by the Spirit of God everyday, every moment. If I do this, there is no doubt in my mind that I will advance His kingdom whether or not I am on a peak or in a valley.

2. Measure your growth by the people that you affect or influence. 

I have always known this. I mean, Jesus told us to go and make disciples. I have never been the best evangelist. I have always had to work at this. God has given me a lot of opportunities to help people to grow and to lead people to Him. I can't say that I have stewarded all of those opportunities like I should have. I have such a passion to see people free. So much that it hurts. It burns in me to see people delivered from fear and doubt. I have a passion to see people grab hold of God's Word so that it can be living and active in them and set them free from everything that the world has to offer. But, are my actions and my life producing this? Well, I know that I am maturing, so I must be in some way. But I want to be intentional about it. God is showing me how to do this practically.

 President of Proverbs 31 Ministries and Author, Lysa Terkeurst, spoke at our ladies event last night at church. She said, among many other things, that she is making what she calls, " imperfect progress". In other words, we may not be perfect in the process, but we are still making progress in the midst of our imperfections. That may not be what she meant, but that's how it spoke to me. I am still on a journey and I don't always respond to God the way I should, but ultimately He gets me to where He needs me.

Chad and I are continuing to stand and believe that I am healed. We are standing on the Word of God and it's a living and active weapon in our hands right now. We are staying still and sensitive to His voice and hanging on to every ounce of grace, peace and strength that He has to give us.  Yes, this is hard and yes, we are having to fight every thought that drives us to fear and/or to doubt God.

We really have never "been so" free...here's to moving forward! 

Goliiiiiath...stomp, stomp...Goliiiiath

I don't know if any of you were Doughnut Man fans, but one of his popular songs when I was a kid was about Goliath. It was running through my mind this morning along with some truths that God was unlocking for me. The story of David and Goliath keeps popping up lately and this morning God gave me some really powerful things to hang on to from this epic story.

First, the main scripture that I want to correlate with this story is James 2:17, " In the same way, faith by itself if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." We have pretty much all heard this from the pulpit, "faith without works is dead", interpreted many different ways. Being in a position where I am really living a life that is by faith, it has taken on a whole new depth and meaning to me.

To bring it back to the story of David and Goliath, we all know the story, but let me remind us. So basically, its a battle between the Philistines (Goliath's crew) and the Israelites (Saul's crew). Goliath was this man over 9 feet tall the bible says and his armor weighed an amazing amount...let's just say he was big, much bigger than anybody on the other team! David, well, he must have looked like my baby, Sam, looking up to his daddy...lol! As the story goes, David would go back and forth from tending sheep to taking food to his 3 oldest brothers who were on the front lines of this war. Well, one of the days that David went out, Goliath came out and thus this amazing story unfolds. Do you know that Goliath came out on the top of that hill and challenged the Israelites for 40 days before something was actually done? Saul was offering money and even his daughter in marriage to whomever would face Goliath and kill him. Anyway, David, decides that he wants to fight Goliath after a conversation with his brothers calling him "conceited" and "wicked in heart". David was like forget you guys and went straight to Saul and told him that he would fight the giant. I love it, then Saul tries to tell David you can fight him you are only a boy. And David, being the fighter that he is, fights for his right and tells Saul about the lion and the bear that he killed while tending his sheep etc...etc...so Saul gives in and says go ahead, the Lord be with you. Saul then tried to clothe David in his over sized armor and David couldn't even walk in them because they were to heavy and big. So David says thanks but no thanks to Saul and takes his staff, his sling and 5 smooth stones with him to face Goliath.

After some bantering between David and Goliath, the fight between them begins. Basically David, came at Goliath in the name of the Lord, not by might and brute strength like Goliath. David struck Goliath down with a stone to the head, badda bing, and then, well, cut his head off for good measure. All the people cheered and there you go...David and Goliath went down in history!

So, what am I getting out of this:

1. When the battle seems to big to fight and we turn away from the giants in our lives, we miss out on the victory. 

There were a lot of soldiers that wouldn't face Goliath, therefore they did not get the reward that Saul was offering. My battle seems harder than it's been and I know that's because I am about to walk into victory. I just have to be brave enough to face it head on and keep pressing through, despite how big and ugly it may look.

2. That bit about the armor being to big and not befitting of David...that to me is like all of my doctors saying to me, " Try this medicine." or " Let's see if this procedure  or option will fit your situation and make you better." And here I am saying, " It's too big, it's too heavy, this can't be good for me, if I am gonna fight, I am gonna fight in the manner that God intended me to fight!"

3. And lastly, it wasn't enough for David to just trust and believe God that he could kill Goliath. David had to physically walk out there and face the giant. He had to physically throw that stone and chop off his head. HE HAD TO PUT WORKS TO HIS FAITH!

There are a  lot of what I call "faith actions" that God has been telling me take. They are simple to most, but to me it's like facing Goliath with nothing but my trust in the Almighty God, my staff and my sling shot! Still, I am moving forward despite what the Saul's in my life might try to say to me. I am putting action to my faith as the next step to overcoming in this journey.

We are on the last week of the drug wean, then just a couple of weeks of whatever after that, then we should be able to get a good idea of what my body is like without massive amounts of chemicals in it. I am experiencing lots of stuff, but God's grace really has been sufficient. Please keep praying for us. We need it now more than ever.

We know that God is up to really good things and we don't want to run the other way and miss the victory! Love you all and thanks again for walking this out with us...

Hurricane I feel like I can attack God's people

Yes, I just named my own hurricane. At least I used an I to stay within the theme of Isaac! But seriously, I've got my own hurricane happening all around me! Today is day one of another step down from the benzo drug that I have been on. I have two more weeks left and then I am off of it for, hopefully,good! Praise the Lord. With that in mind, I am having to over come all kinds of mind wars today. Along with a plethora of other physical symptoms that are attacking me today, my legs act like they just don't want to work just about every other day and today is one of those days!

But guess what??? I am so not worried by this storm. Even though it seems like the battle is for my body, it's really for my mind. Even though my body is screaming at me at the top of it's lungs, the battle is still for my mind. Even though there isn't a physical cure for my body, there is for my mind, and therein lies my healing for every part of me!

John 14:27, " Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Ahhhhhh, I feel like my mind just ate a Reese's peanut butter cup (yes this is my favorite candy in all of the world, so this is a good thing ;-) But seriously, just one word from Jesus' mouth and my mind is renewed. That's amazing isn't it? My body is still screaming but my mind is renewed therefore my spirit man is alive and aware of the enemies schemes for me today.

So even though I don't feel free, I am free and my body will align in due time! In church yesterday, as I was worshiping, I usually have multiple conversations with God and yesterday I found myself repenting of all the times when I could raise my hands without issue in worship to Him and I didn't. I was repenting of all the times that I could stand on my legs with great strength and I didn't. All the times I could breathe with great ease and I took advantage of it. I know that I couldn't have known that this would be my journey then, but it sure does make me stay in a broken state before God and a grateful state for everything in my life.

This hurricane cannot have it's way, it may rain a lot and there may even be some wind damage, but the rain will dry up in the light of the Son and the wind damage will be repaired with the tools that He has given me. Even though this day isn't the way I would like it right now, it's still the day that God has made and I am going to make a choice to be glad in it!

Let the shaking begin...or just keep going...

So here we go again...the war is raging and the ground is shaking all around us! My body is really starting to feel the effects of being off the ms medications. Last year when I got off of them, 3 weeks in my legs starting going numb and got really weak. Here we are 3 weeks in and the same thing is threatening to start up again. Needless to say, my world is shaking around me, but this time, I am running to my only answer...Jesus. Not what the world has to offer, because they really don't have anything to offer.

I have to confess, I have cried my tears of fear out this morning to God and am feeling much more graced up and ready to face this beautiful day that lays before me. Remember in my last post I said that our new motto around here is, " If we don't hear anything, we don't do anything." ? We are still hanging on to that. A couple of things that I know for sure that God is saying as I was praying through all of this. I heard His gentle voice say, " Be still and know that I am God." I also keep hearing Him say, " This to shall pass." I am hanging on to every word He says...it's all I've got right now.

I can't explain to the fullest the amount of torment that we go through in our minds and the torment I go through in my body to overcome on a day to day basis. This is hard. But today, there are a few  things that I am determined to do:

1.Keep my mind fixed on Jesus, that's where perfect peace is. ( Isaiah 26:3)

2. To not be shaken by what I feel and/or see. ( Hebrews 12:27-29)

3. Stand on Psalm 46, "  God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present  help in trouble, Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations He has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, He burns the shields with fire. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

We have told so many of you that your prayers are adding layers of grace to us in this season. You fighting with us is what keeps us moving forward on top of God's promises in our lives. Please keep praying. I know that the best is yet to come, just trying to convince my body of it!

God is good and we trust Him(cue a big sigh of relief :-) Thank You Jesus.

Having done all to stand...Stand

Last night we had some History Channel type show on and they were talking about Sodom and Gomorrah and the show was getting the facts all wrong and misinterpreting the Bible and what it really says. So being the person I am, wanting to always be right ;-), I looked up the story and read it again for myself and was reminded of the true facts of the story straight from the Word. It also reminded me of something else.

In Genesis 19 it tells the story about Lot, his wife and daughters how they went to Sodom and Gomorrah and then at the end of the story they were told to flee because God was going to destroy the place. They were also warned by the angels that told them to flee to not look back to keep running to the next closest city. Well, as you know, in verse 26 it says, " But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." This really spoke to me.

I am still dealing with so much physically and the days when I don't access God's grace to the fullest I have this urge to look back. God just keeps saying to me don't look back. Keep moving forward. Having done all to stand...stand ( Ephesians 6:13-14).

Chad and I have a new motto in this season that we are in. "If you don't hear anything, don't do anything." I plan to write a rap out of this as soon as possible with my mean rapping skills, LOL...sorry! That's beside the point! In other words, if we don't hear the voice of God speaking to us, we are not moving. We are not making any decisions. We are staying tuned in to the Holy Spirit, so if He is talking we are confident that we are not going to miss Him. It seems like we should be making so many decisions if we were to base everything off of what my body feels. But, we don't hear Him talking to us to do anything. So...we wait. We wait and we access God's grace and peace. Is this easy? Absolutely not! It's one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing we have ever done.

Honestly, I feel like nothing. I feel like a grain of sand, so insignificant. The message that was preached from our pulpit yesterday was so timely for me. Our pastor spoke out of Psalm 8:3-9 which talks about God being mindful of us and that He considers us just a little lower than the heavenly beings. Pretty awesome. That adds a tremendous amount of significance to us no matter what we feel like or what season of life we are in.

So, to conclude, we are just waiting on Him. We are waiting on Him to talk to us and until then we continue to stand, trusting that we are walking in step with His perfect will for our lives. We will not look back as easy as that would be. We will keep our eyes fixed on things above and keep moving forward.

The results are in!

I got the results of most of my blood work last week. Still waiting on one more thing and have to go back in for the Hep C because that fell through the cracks when we were there last week. I have great news...my white blood cell counts were back up to normal after just one week of being of the injections. Great news indeed! Because that means that I can't go back on the shots and it means that there is nothing extra wrong with my blood that needs to be investigated. So praise God...another huge answer to pray!

All of the other stuff came back normal, kidney, liver functions. It was confirmed that I do not have Celiac. We are still waiting on one more thing that has to do with the new treatment that we are investigating for ms. But we are still waiting on God for this as we are still standing and believing that I am completely healed from ms.

This will be week two of being off of injections and I am going down another notch on the benzo drug that I am weaning off of. Getting closer to being completely free! I have been on an antibiotic all week for shingles...fun times...hoping that it will pass soon as well.

As I have been praying through everything there's a couple of things that I have been standing on. First, I will not dread the things to come, but will believe that there is only good and prosperous things to come as I get further into this detoxifying process. Proverbs 28:25, " ...but he who trusts in the Lord will prosper." That's me, I trust in the Lord! That's all I have been able to say these days.

Secondly, I keep saying Psalm 91:5 + 6, " I will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday." The truth is that there is the potential for things to get really bad, but Chad and I are believing the Word of God that the arrows, pestilence and the plague will not come near us.

Psalm 91:14-16," Because He loves me, ' says the Lord, ' I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I  will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

YES AND AMEN!  I truly believe that God has healed this body of mine, despite what it feels like. I have a peace that passes all understanding as I continue to stand on the Word of God and believe what it says. God is continuing to conform me to His image and He is so good. The true results...healed, delivered and whole, period!

Still here!

Ok, so week one off of injections! Praise God! Over the last 5 days I have had this horrible, increasing pain in the left side of my head. What people would say shingles feels like. I thought I could just mask the pain and keep rolling but it hit me hard yesterday and is still that way today. So we just came from the doctor and good thing we did!

We needed a face to face meeting with my neurologist anyway since all of this has happened with coming off of medications and investigating new ones etc. So, it made since with my condition and the questions that were stirring in us to take the open slot that they squeezed us in today.

Here's what came out of it, I am encouraged by all of it. This thing on my head is believed to be an infection, not ms related (because, side note, God has healed me of ms :-). So antibiotic and a stronger pain pill so that I can actually lay on my head at night to sleep! Number 2 we got to talking about why I was taken off the injections. It is because my white blood cell counts have apparently been low over the last 6 months and slowly declining. Well here's the good news, in my opinion, she had me go to the lab to get tested for my current white blood cell count, and some other stuff on top. If the cell count is not coming back up being off the injections then that indicates that there may be something else going on that is causing all of this mess and yet another open door to figure out why I have been going through all of this to begin with. Yes that is super encouraging to me because, again, not ms related! The favor of God was so present. My doctor even said to us that she went through my whole history/chart last night because she is really concerned that we may be missing something. God is using someone that may not even know Him...if that doesn't show us the love and mercy of God, nothing will.

So we are waiting to see what the results look like, hopefully within the next couple of days. If they are still low, then we pursue this open door to see what can be revealed. Through my agony and tears over the last couple of days the only thing I have been able to keep saying is, " I trust You God, I trust You God, I need You to come through for me, I trust You God."

In my spirit, I believe 100% that God has healed me of ms. In my flesh it's almost laughable how opposite my body feels to this truth. What's amazing is even my neurologist, whom is amazing and very sweet but still is working out of the box she has been trained in, agreed that we needed to take more time to detox this body of mine from everything so that we can truly see where I am at before taking another step towards medications.

My prediction is that once I am free from the chemicals and all of this weaning junk, that my body is going to line up the way God intended it to and we are going to see that God has really healed me. I believe that God is working this situation so that when it all happens, NOBODY will question that it is Him that has done this miracle...nobody. There will be no doctors or medications or earthly solutions that will take the place of Him being the answer. Amazing.

The hard part, is enduring and living in this body of mine until the manifestation of that miracle comes. That's why I have to stay so grounded in the Word and I need all of you praying for Chad and I to have the faith, the grace and the strength to stick this out so we can walk into our promise land.

For now, I am thanking God for today. For His grace being sufficient for today. For life today. For breathe in my lungs today. For being able to walk today. I know God's got this, I just need my tormented flesh to be convinced of that and my mind to be continually renewed to this truth.

What an amazing journey this is....thanks again for standing with us...keep praying and please keep believing...

Quick Update...Because I am having an Out of Body Experience

Hey everyone, I just wanted to type up a quick update to let you know that we had some, what we believe to be huge information regarding what's going on. I can't go into detail at this time but need to tell you just one thing that God did for us yesterday so that you can all be praying.

I have been saying for about a year that the medication that I have been on for ms has been hurting me and not helping me. I have even brought it up many times to my doctors. I just feel toxic and could journal to the tee what I feel every week due to this medication. We have stayed on it, a little out of fear and because we didn't really have a safer alternative and because of our doubt that God has not healed me of ms. There's the truth.

Here's the miracle, for us,...as of yesterday, my doctors have told me that I have to stop the shots due to the fact that they are indeed hurting me! After reviewing recent blood workups and those previous, the data is consistent with the fact that I have to stop taking the medication, no if, ands or buts! Are you kidding me? And, yes that is a good are you kidding me. When they told me this, nothing but peace flooded my spirit and even my flesh. I felt something in my spirit and my flesh leap and lift. I can hardly explain it. God did it. He made the decision for us, just like I have been asking Him to do all this time. To lead us into all truth.

My doctors are having us research some other stuff that I can't get into as of yet. My point today is that I have every reason to be so afraid of what the outcome of coming off of this medication COULD BE, BUT I HAVE NO DOUBT AND NO FEAR  that this is completely, 100% God! That little lying voice in my head that was yelling at me all year long, it's still there, but I am having to strain to hear him...what a miracle in and of itself.

So, please pray with us, for us, however the Holy Spirit leads because we have some crucial steps of faith to take from here on out. Yesterday morning, we cried out to God and He heard our cry and we believe that He is answering us. That the fullness of time is here. Please pray that we will stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit and that we will continue to have this peace that passes all of our understanding.

I know there is more to come!

Crisis...AGAIN!

So I literally just made it from the bedroom to couch this morning. I awoke this morning to a body that has spiraled back into an adrenal crisis, so the doctors think, again. I am experiencing some very familiar things and some very new and intense things. To say the least, my body feels horrible. What's awesome though is that my mind doesn't feel horrible. Do I want to be going through this? Uh, no...but God is really ordering our steps this morning as we seek Him and we are getting the council that we need to hopefully avoid the ER once again.

While I can't hardly stand on my own two feet today, I can truly depend on God's Word to be living and active in my body and in my life today. I have no desire to even question it...it's the only way. Jesus is it for me folks...His Word and power is all that I have.

Psalm 60:12, " With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies."

Psalm 62:1 + 2, " My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Yes, that is really what I believe. God is not gonna forsake me, so there is no reason for me to be shaken by what I feel or see today. I am so confident in this and amazed that I am. I don't even have to work at convincing myself.

Call it denial, but I refuse to believe that God is gonna leave me right here. Keep praying for us, please don't back down, we need all of it.

Giving in is NOT Giving up!

I'm pretty sure my fight this morning is coming by the spirit, maybe combined with steroids weaning out of my system a little too ;-) But pretty sure it's the Holy Spirit in me! LOL! I just feel like fighting the enemy, I woke up this way this morning. Determined to not cave or give up or be fearful or dread the terror of the day and night! I don't usually wake up this ready for combat but there is a war going on!

I have to write out one of my confessions for this morning from one of my healing tools. Based out of Ephesians 6:13 + 14 and Hebrews 6:12, " I refuse to quit. I refuse to cave in. I will not be slothful, but I will be a follower with them who through faith and patience inherit the promises. I will cast down all thoughts that do not agree with God's Word. My God always causes me to triumph in Christ Jesus." I said this over and over again, until I was shouting it into the face of this enemy! I felt this confession before I even read it this morning. I was submitting myself to the Holy Spirit this morning and was just proclaiming that no matter what comes my way, I am going to lead in whatever way that I can.

I wake this morning feeling like I can't hardly stand up straight. My legs feel like they don't want to work along with a whole lot of other stuff that I could entertain. But I AM NOT! I am not going to allow the enemy to steal from me the opportunity for faith and patience to work in me so that I can inherit God's promises for today. One day at a time.


Through this whole journey, and all of us go through this in the midst of our trials, we give in to doctors, we give in to medicines, we give in to everything that seems contrary to what God is saying because we are afraid or just need relief. I am here to say today that I believe that giving in to those things is not giving up on what God has promised us. He knows we are weak. He knows we are flesh.

Most of the time we have to give in, in order to not give up the fight. I give in to God most of all. In other words, I still am trusting and depending on Him to do what He has said is mine...healing...completely, but if right now, He is calling me to lead in a greater way in the midst of the symptoms then I have asked for the courage and the boldness and the opportunities to do this. Trust me when I say I have done a lot in these last 8 years to overcome and cast down fear and have overcome quite a bit to do what I have done so far. But again, I find myself not wanting to be in that place of faking it until I make it. I want to walk in God's perfect will, whether I can feel my legs or not. Whether I can drive my car...I mean really, that's how crazy this is.

I went through a year where God challenged me to do everything I was fearful of doing. And I did it. God spoke to me so clearly and said, " Would you do this if you were well?". And, of course, my reply to everything He put in front of me was always yes. I have to say I am at that place again, but am waiting on God to lay those things out for me. What I am going through physically is so much more intense this time that I need to know that it's His voice. I need to know that I am doing everything within His perfect will. And until He speaks, I will wait and rest in His promises.

I am giving in to His purposes, not my own...and in that respect I guess it is giving up, but I can say, " I give up!" to God everyday of my life. He is one person I don't want to try and compete with!

In Focus

That's the name of the church we were at all weekend, but I titled my post today that because I feel like God is putting more into focus for me. This weekend was...amazing. Let me explain. I actually felt physically horrible...weaning from a steroid, weaning from all the other medications that I am on...staying in a hotel, which was wonderful, but still not my bed. Eating out and encountering all of my food allergies head on. I won't mention the worst of it...it would be too much information!

It was a great weekend because I overcame and did what Chad and I knew needed to happen. I needed to obey and go and not allow the enemy to steal from us yet another opportunity to be apart of advancing His kingdom in whatever ways we can. I honestly felt like I felt at the beginning of this 8 month journey, like I needed to be in a hospital bed somewhere. But God brought me to a very peaceful and trusting place with Him this weekend. He totally sustained me and even though I felt a little tortured, I was more graced and happy to be right where I was. I wasn't fearful of what was going on with my body, wasn't fearful as to whether or not God would come through for me. I just had... peace. That passes all of my understanding believe me.

What God really brought into focus for me is that as I have been laying everything down about myself and just surrendering to His perfect will for my life, He gives me the strength to follow through in the things that He wants me doing. In other words, He is ordering my every step...EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE I AM LIMPING! I feel like the sweet Olympian Kerri Strug! One of the most courageous things I have ever seen as a child, where she did her vault with pretty much a mutilated foot and stuck it perfect!

 You see, there's a book that I was reminded of, Leading with a Limp by Dan Allender. I need to go and read it once again, because I believe that may be my next step. I have been leading to an extent from this box that I have been in. But I have a feeling that God is increasing my boldness to do more leading, even though I feel like I am limping worse than I ever have. So I am really praying through that.

I don't want to do anything out of the motivation of proving something to myself, or the enemy or anybody. I just want to do what God is saying. He is so good and He proved to me, when He didn't have to, that He can still use me even though I feel like I don't have a body that wants to work.

I am really asking God to show me and open those doors and opportunities for me to take that bold step of faith. There's something to this whole dying to yourself thing...it works and God has His way and there's a peace and courage that takes over you in the midst of it. And believe me I know the difference when I am faking it to make it and when it is truly the grace and the favor of God on my life. That's what I felt this weekend.

I wish I could say that my body feels amazing and is perfectly whole in the physical. Even though it isn't quite yet, and I honestly don't know when it will be, but God's Word tells me it will be and that's all I need to know. And in the meantime, I am going to keep surrendering and allowing God to use me despite and just know that He is gonna meet me there every. single.time.

Thanks again for all the love and prayers while we were away, they were felt. We are happy to be back home with our babies and I am happy to be home in my little comfy corner on the couch. If you feel weak in any area of your life...just surrender and see what God does. There is no way you will be disappointed.

A Gust A Fresh Air

You get it, A gusta fresh air?! LOL! Sorry! Getting away for a couple of days from the routine has been refreshing and shown me that I actually have a brain that works outside of mommy mode! Yesterday we were given the pleasure of having a day off. It was just Chad and I...without babies, without stress. What's funny, is I felt pretty awful all day in my body, but we still overcame and enjoyed, so praise God.

Right now as we speak, Chad is teaching an awesome group of men some techie stuff which is way over my head for the most part ;-) But he is doing an amazing job! I am so proud of this man and who he is in the kingdom of God! So blessed to be his biggest cheerleader this weekend. We are going to be here at In Focus Church for day doing various things and we can't wait to attend their services tomorrow.

I just have to say that even though the weekend hasn't been ideal as far as my physical body, I am so grateful that God is sustaining me and that each day is better. I am trusting God that my body will be even stronger with every step we take today! God's grace is sufficient. I am in wean mode from benzo drugs and steroids and am trying to ignore everything that's trying to steal from this weekend.

Sometimes we have to determine to hold tight to the things that God has given us and not allow the enemy to come in to steal, kill and destroy that which we know God has given us. He is ordering our steps, therefore His grace is sufficient. Putting on the full armor of God is so important and vital to our existence and our advancing the Kingdom of God.

Please keep praying for us, my body, it means the world to us to have all of you standing with us. So until Monday, most likely...that's the skinny on what's happening here!

Quick update!!!

Guess what! We made it to our destination! I got in the car and made the trip with Chad. Praise Jesus! Praying that with each step of faith comes more restoration to my body! Please keep praying for us as we go and come. We are really looking forward to this weekend and know that God is ordering our every step. I haven't been on a trip this long since this whole journey began, so we know that God is doing the miraculous with me. I wish I could say that my body feels perfect, but what I can say is, I trust God completely!

Chad and I have needed this to happen for a while. It's good to get out and be able to be a blessing instead of what feels like a burden to people. We are looking forward to feeling the ease of God's yoke and lightness of His burden.

So, as silly as a little car ride might seem to some, it was a big mountain and a victory for me to overcome today...step 1, get in the car and make it to our destination...check! I will continue to update as we go along our little ministry get away...love you all and appreciate your prayers so much!

When I've Done All I Can Do And There's Nothing Left To Prove

Broken Things was gonna be the title of my post today, but instead it's a line from a song by Sarah Reeves called Broken Things. A song that has been touching me so deeply over the last few weeks. So much that when I hear it, all I can do is weep because it is right where I am 100%. This is one of the reasons I know that I will be singing this song one day :-), yes the fact that I can't breathe when I hear it because the Holy Spirit ministers to my very core so much that I can't speak. Here is a link to the song and the lyrics to go with it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jsEKXE-B3w

Verse 1: 
Here at the altar of the broken things
I'm finally throwing down this mirror of me 
When I've done all I can do and there's nothing left to prove
And I just need You

Chorus: 
I'm totally, completely dependent upon You 
I'm totally, completely dependent upon You

Verse 2: 
 Here at the place of empty vessels
I'm pouring out this heart of selfish ambition
When there's no more options left 
And I'm nothing but a mess
Well, that's when You're best

Verse 3:
When there's no words left to say
And there's nothing left to pray
I'll just wait...

Chorus 2: 
Cause You're totally, completely faithful to me
Cause You're totally, completely faithful to me

I can't even type these out without crying. Every word is right on for where I am, it's awesome. God is so faithful when we are completely broken for him. "When's there's no words left to say and there's nothing left to pray, I'll just wait..." Can't tell you how many times a day I could say this line.

I am doing a lot of breaking and waiting, breaking and waiting. Friday of last week, my neurologist called me in for a last minute visit because of some symptoms I have been experiencing over the last couple of weeks. I am still in the midst of weaning off of the medication that is so bad for me to be on long term. This particular symptom has been affecting my breathing and my mobility. Not fun to say the least. I dealt with it for about 2 weeks before I called the doctor. Chad and I locked ourselves in our room yesterday morning and just prayed for wisdom and we had a great peace about seeing what the doctors had to say. As of last night, I am on a familiar oral steroid treatment with the hopes that it will get my body back to where it needs to be. You have no idea how badly I want to just be able to just totally and completely be dependent on God's supernatural power. I want Him to heal me just by His Word being medicine to every part of me.

On Friday, my emotions were all over the map. On our way to the doctor, waiting to see the doctor, seeing the doctor...just tears. The thing that rose up in me and that I vocalized to Chad is that I am so tired of the enemy stealing from us so many things during this season. The things that I know are absolute God things. That's all the enemy comes to do is to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). He comes to steal our desires, dreams, our health you name it and then he kills and destroys all of it until they can't be resurrected. I feel like I have been on guard for 8 years so that this wouldn't happen and then I started getting weak physically and spiritually and could not combat him.

The good news....I've never been stronger in my life in the spirit and I finally have a new strength to fight him because the Word of God is living and active in my life like never before! We all have to run after God and access His grace and His strength to be able to live the abundant life that He has for us. He paid a great price for it. I am so in love with Him...

One more thing, with all of this going physically, Chad has been given an amazing opportunity this weekend to go and serve in his expertise at one of our Every Nation churches in Augusta, GA and I am going with him. We are even leaving our precious boys with family so that we can go do this together. With everything physically going on with me, I started to get discouraged that I might not be able to make the trip. But Chad and I are determined to not allow the enemy to steal this from us. So, if you will, please pray for us this weekend. In our going and our coming.

"When there's no more options left and I'm nothing but a mess...well, that's when You're best."