The Good News sometimes feels like Bad News

Have  you ever opened the Word and started reading and thought, " Man, I get it and I see what God is trying to say and it's really good, but why doesn't it feel good?". Um, I have many times. We just got back from an incredibly restful week at my in-laws lake house. Most of you saw my two previous posts and know that I have been walking through a few things physically and had to make the choice to go on this vacation trusting God with all of it.

All week long there was a very familiar phrase that kept popping up in my spirit, " Consider it all joy..." This morning, as I was exercising and praying and worshiping, getting myself submitted to the Holy Spirit, that same phrase kept rising up in my spirit, " Consider it all joy...". I knew all last week what God was saying to me, but this morning, I dove right into James 1 and started reading.

James 1:2-8, " Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."

God reminded that when I was a teenager, and my mom can testify to this, that I plastered this verse on our refrigerator one day and it stayed there for many years. God has a way of bringing things back around. I wasn't going through the same things then as I am now obviously, but it's the same principle. I've read this passage many times over the years. 

What I'm trying to say is that God is requiring me to look at my circumstance and then at a much higher level, consider it ALL joy. I really thought I was doing this. Here again, another humbling encounter with God. He showed me that I am a good over comer and even good at persevering so that was encouraging. BUT, has my mind, my words and my actions shown that I am doing it with joy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! I really believe this is why I have been feeling so stuck where I am. Feeling like I can't hear the Holy Spirit clearly. Feeling like I'm not moving forward physically and spiritually. I know I am, but, it's that feeling that I'm hitting a wall. It's because of this, doing things out of my own strength and not seeking the wisdom of God and counting it all joy. 

You see, there is a difference between just overcoming and living in victory. We can't always overcome our issues completely, in other words, sometimes our issues just won't go away. And let me ask this very difficult question, what if they never do? Of course I believe and have hope that all my issues will be resolved while I still live on this earth. But I'm not the one who decides that. So what do I do in the meantime, what's my best chance of those issues being resolved here on earth? Well James 1 tells me my best chance is to consider it all joy and allow perseverance to finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

To live victoriously, we have to decide to consider it all joy. I don't want to lack anything. I really want and need everything that God wants me to have. In order to not live sick, think sick, plan sick, be sick, I have to consider it ALL joy.  

You Know That Moment When...

Your doctors can do nothing for you and you just have to continue to COMPLETELY trust God? Yep, that just happened. I had to write today to let all of you know as an update to my previous post that I spoke with my doctors and they, by law, were not able to prescribe anything for me without me being seen since it has been so long! HA! Coincidence? I think not! So if we want anything before we leave for vacation, I would have to go to an emergency room and that peace that passes all understanding is not there for that.

Before we called my doctor, Chad and I prayed for God's divine wisdom. We knew that there would be no harm in a phone call. We also knew that God would give us whatever answers He wanted to give us because we are totally submitted to Him.

In all honesty, when they told me there was nothing they could do for me at this time, I had a one minute moment of anxiety/frustration, then God brought me back to my favorite scripture right now:

Proverbs 3:5-8, " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and will direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes, but fear the Lord and depart from evil. It is health to your flesh and strength to your bones."

I could write this in all caps and bold every single word as it all applies to me every day!!! When this word arose in my spirit, I immediately stopped my mind from being anxious and just started thanking God for being faithful to His Word. Side note: It pays to hide the Word of God in your heart. You never know when you are going to need it;)

What's awesome is yesterday afternoon, my symptoms started to get better. WHAT?! Are they gone? No. But I believe in trusting in God and leaning on Him and His understanding and taking up that authority, He directed us to the right path, therefore bringing restoration to me. What we thought was wisdom, was not His wisdom and we asked Him to reveal that to us and He did. Can I just tell you, this has never happened to me when I have called my doctor. There was 3 days of confusion, this.never.happens. God shut that door. Now, I stand in a place of complete trust in Him once again with no other option. Easy, no. Peace that passes all understanding, yes.

I am continually amazed by Him and I have no doubts that my body is going to line up as I go. I am praising God for bringing wisdom to Chad and I. It's something that has been burning in our hearts to ask God for in every area of our lives recently. I feel break through coming and I am excited that God is real and He is for us and not against us(Romans 8:31)!

I pray that all of you will lean on Him and trust Him no matter what's happening. Thank you for praying for us. Please continue, don't back down, we need all of you!

Happy 2 Year Anniversary

Wow! How time flies when you finish homeschooling a 5 year old and Summer time hits! I cannot believe that it's been since April that I last wrote to all of you. We have definitely had one wild and crazy summer! Traveling, some time home, then traveling some more, then some more time home and then traveling again next week! I even had the incredible opportunity to fly out to California, on my own, to visit my best friend. It was a huge mountain physically and spiritually that God allowed me to move!

To get to the real point of this blog, it's the 2 year anniversary of me being off of ms medications! Praise God! I will forever mark this day as the day God healed me of ms. I have to write to give all the glory to God and remind all of you, if you need reminding, that He is a faithful Healer.
He is also faithful to make us more like Him every day if we are faithful to die to ourselves and allow this process to happen. And that, my friends, is something I praise Him for everyday, but also the hardest part of this process by far.

You see, even though I don't doubt that God has healed me from ms, for the last two years, I have still and am still fighting off symptoms that try to tell me otherwise. I have to be real with you, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed tears whether they be joyful or out of frustration. I wonder sometimes if the tears of frustration will ever leave me.

Then I realize, that with every tear of frustration, God replaces it with a promise from His Word that in turn produces perseverance, endurance, death to myself and more glory for Him because I am submitting and becoming more like Him.

Even now as I type, I am waiting on my neurologist, whom I haven't had to call in 2 years, to prescribe a round of steroids for me because of a neurological issue that I have been fighting for over a month now. You might be thinking, " Well you said you were healed." Well, I am! I still believe that ms is not in operation, but ms left some damage that only God can reverse and that damage has been hanging over me. I wish I could say it was all gone. And I only tell you it's not so that if you are walking through something and God hasn't taken all the pain and suffering away, you can still hang onto whatever He has promised you and have the knowledge and faith that He has healed you from WHATEVER you may be walking through. It doesn't have to be physical. It can be spiritual, emotional or physical.

The only thing that keeps me afloat everyday, when I say everyday, I mean everyday, is the Word of God.

Isaiah 40:31, " But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles,they shall run and not be weary,they shall walk and not faint." 

Things I am really thankful for as I am continuing to walk this road is that I no longer doubt God's promises. I trust Him and His Word with all of my heart no matter what my body feels. Also conquering, for the most part, fear and anxiety when something does arise. I can honestly tell you that being anxious is just a major waste of energy and time! If God is God, well...you see.

I am in the process of learning what authority God has given to me here on this earth. I am also still and will always be in the process of dying to myself. "Take up your cross daily and follow Me." (Luke 9:23)

So, HAPPY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY! I celebrate Him and all He is doing. I celebrate who He is making me to be. I celebrate my sweet Jesus Christ, who sacrificed Himself to save me and that deserves all my focus, my attention and my life!

Here's to another year of complete restoration and freedom!

MIRACULOUS UPDATE!!!

Hey everybody!!! So I have good news and great news!!! As you all know 4 weeks ago I started physical therapy for vertigo. We discovered it started 6 years ago, after I had our sweet Parker and we just recently discovered that it is primarily an inner ear issue. Enough background on that.

GOOD NEWS, after just 4 weeks of therapy (keep in mind this process of recovery usually takes 6  to 12 weeks) I have the papers to prove that even though I don't feel completely normal yet, according to all the tests I am completely normal and the therapy is working!!! I have been able to tell in my everyday activity, but have still been symptomatic some weeks, like this week for instance and yet I still aced all the tests!

Here is a picture of the very first assessment I had 4 weeks ago. I realize you can't see all the numbers, but just look at the colors, green(good:) and red(bad:(), I failed two of the assessment tests that day and was putting all of my weight in my toes, which apparently is not centered, who would of thought;)

 

GREAT NEWS, I was told today, that just after 4 weeks of going once a week to my physical therapist and doing my homework everyday I no longer have to go back to the balance center!!! Now you have to grasp this with Chad and I. We have been praying that this process would be a short one because it's not cheap to walk into that place every week even with insurance. We have been praying that the enemy would not be allowed to rob our finances in this area and that we would only have to pay what was necessary. HUGE answer to prayer.

I was able to get a lot of my long term questions answered today as well. Like driving, short distance, long distance, swimming, flying, singing again. My pt instructor told me that just like these exercises I have been doing everyday, as long as I feel safe, to start doing all of these things again at a minimum pushing myself to the brink and then seeing how I regain. This will start to re-calibrate me in these areas just like the other exercises have helped me in my everyday activity.

Although we are still on a process, this is a major answer to our prayers as we are seeing quick results and are continuing to believe that 4 weeks from now things will have dramatically improved! God is so good and He showed off for us today. I prayed from at the beginning of this process that I would only have to go into therapy for 6 weeks and God said let me show off and do it in 4 LOL! Love Him!

Do I still have stuff to overcome, um, YES! But I am celebrating this moment, this mountain being shoved out of the way. Now, take a look at today's assessment...do you see any red??? EXACTLY! And my center of gravity is right in the middle! Come on now somebody scream Hallelujah with me!

To conclude, I don't know what normal is anymore, but I am beginning to learn what normal is by God's standards and I praise God for that. God is my Savior first and foremost. He is my Healer, Restorer, Redeemer and Comforter. He has enabled me to do all things through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). As I have leaned on Him and not on my own understanding, He has indeed been directing my path (Proverbs 3:5-8).

So, we keep moving forward, no looking back. As I proclaimed that first day of therapy, this process is the beginning to the end of this issue. I am continuing to stand on that and am seeing the physical manifestation of it.

You can see this in your own life as you continue to trust in Him and stand on His amazing Word. It NEVER returns void.

Being Re-Made

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

It's been a while since my last post! Purposely though. The Holy Spirit has had me tucked away and when I say tucked away, I mean tucked away. It's been awesome. 

To get to the point of my post today, as all of you know, because I have talked about it many times, I am on a journey of restoration, but in order to be completely restored there is this thing called dying to oneself:). 

I had the privilege of attending the Kari Jobe concert this past Friday night. A belated birthday gift from my mom(thanks mom:). As I was sitting and soaking in all that was going on I had yet another revelation from the Holy Spirit. I was watching this amazing worship leader walking in her calling, looking extremely fulfilled and confident in who she was. Amazing. I realized, I used to be so much like that, in many areas of my life. Then I realized, the key words were, USED TO BE. 

I have been on a journey that has afforded me the opportunity to choose to die to myself and everything about myself in order to be in the center of God's perfect will. To be honest, some days, it doesn't feel like a choice, it feels like a necessity! 

The revelation I had was that I am so dead to who I once was, that I don't even know who I am anymore! Now you might read that and think, that's horrible!!! Mandy is having an identity crisis!!! LOL! Well, actually, I am, but it's God induced not Mandy induced, therefore a VERY good thing! What God revealed to me on Friday, is that I am being re-made. I am being made a new creation. I have finally gotten to that place where I have seriously laid down EVERYTHING that I used to be and am just trying to walk by the Spirit of God and trust that He is guiding me. God spoke to me so clearly and said that He can now make me new, He can re-make me and show me who I really am for such a time as this. He hasn't truly been able to do this in me until now because there was still me in the way! 

There are 3 things that I know for sure I am right now and these are the 3 things that have God's favor, peace and grace on them:

1. I'm His
2. I'm Chad's wife
3. I'm a mom to Parker and Sam

In all 3 of those areas, God has allowed me to be healthy and strong and He keeps moving me forward to be everything that I can be in those areas. Other than that, I don't know who I am. I have functioned in many different roles in this life of mine, but right now these 3 areas are where contentment, peace and favor are. 

Do I have dreams, desires and goals? Well, yes, but I'm doing my very best to submit every dream, every desire and every goal to Him so that He can say, yes this is apart of the new creation I am making you into. 

Galations 2:20, "I was put to death on the cross with Christ, and I do not live anymore—it is Christ who lives in me. I still live in my body, but I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself to save me."

This verse, well, it just says it all. I am happily being re-made. Really, happily. Inside and out, being re-made. Physically(side note, two weeks into physical therapy for the vertigo, it's going well, thank you to all of you who have been praying;), spiritually and emotionally I am okay with not knowing who I am until God tells me.  It's kind of exciting actually:) If you look at this way, God is giving me another chance to be all that I can be for Him. Which means, I will hopefully, hit the target! I want to advance His Kingdom more than anything and I just know I can't do it unless I am re-made into what He wants me to be.

Good stuff...thank You Jesus.

UPDATE!!! "Balancing" Trusting God and His Love

Pun intended! I just landed on the couch after an almost 3 week process of trying to pinpoint why I have been experiencing vertigo for almost 6 years now and non-stop for the last 5 months. The results are finally in and I just couldn't wait to share them with all of you that have been praying and standing with us in this journey.

Let's break it down. In my last blog, I explained that the ENT pointed out that she pinpointed 2 things related to my inner ear that she says is causing the vertigo. The first was the crystals in my ear, the second was to be determined by 3 hours of lab tests that I had done on Valentine's Day and actually had to finish the last one this morning before getting the results of all the tests.

Results are in:

1. I had physical therapy for the crystals in my ear and per their follow up with me, it worked!

Now, since I saw them for this therapy, I have gotten increasingly worse! Funny, right? Well apparently this is because of the secondary issue which is...drum roll please...

2. It doesn't have a name! But it does have an explanation. We found out today that my right ear is 21% off from my left ear. Which stated directly from the ENT, " That is a huge drop." Which means with every movement and I mean every movement, my left ear says one thing and my right ear says something completely different therefore resulting in the walls holding me up! This is why reading, typing, weather changes, walking in the grocery store, walking around my house, driving and or moving of any kind only makes things worse. Also, cold fronts, warm fronts, tropical storms, hormones(the original onset of this was 3 months after I had Parker, hormone shift,possibly the root)...all the things I have been saying for the last 6 years, " Why do I feel soooo bad when...". Question answered, finally.

I know what you are thinking, " How is this good?" Oh, just let me tell you, it's not just good, it's awesome!

Action Plan:

Physical therapy is what works best for this. There are medications, but it's the medication I am already on, LOL, right? Obviously not working. There are others but my doc says physical therapy first, which Chad and I agree with, although it is not an immediate relief solution, it will cause long term relief. So we are waiting on  Brooks Rehab to call us and set up an evaluation where they will design a program just for me. I will have to go in 1 to 3 times a week (praying just the one, because I am young and active and will be able to do all the exercises here at home as well) to do all the exercises that will re-calibrate my body!

Now, how is this awesome? I haven't even told you the best part yet. You all know that Chad and I fully believe that God has healed me of ms. You also know that we are flesh and that every little opportunity for us to doubt is still thrown at us daily. This is where the title of this blog will make since. 4 weeks ago, I was still able to drive and while I was driving over the bridge for the first time in like 4 months, God and I had a little conversation that went like this:

God: "Mandy, do you trust Me?"
Me: "Yes God, I trust You."
God: "Mandy, do you trust My love for you?"
Me: (nice long pause) "Actually God, I can't say that I fully do."

Yeah, I didn't know that was coming either. But that conversation sent me into another part of this journey that I am cherishing. It's really hard for those of us who struggle day in and day out with torture and torment in our minds, our bodies, our emotions, whatever it may be to see through all of that a LOVING God. I'm not sure I even need to explain why, but I will a little. The question is, why would a LOVING God allow me to suffer so much? You get it. Well I get it. And I know why so no worries, but some days it's still really hard to trust that God's love is perfect despite what's going on.

As I have submitted to the Holy Spirit and am now learning how to not only trust God, but to trust His love for me, things are happening. And it's awesome.

In regards to ms...the ENT pulled all of my previous MRI's and during the balance testing they were looking for certain things geared towards ms and guess what? My doc looked me in the eyes when she walked with us to check out and said to me (and I am crying typing this right now), " Mandy, I was looking for ms and I couldn't find it." Cue me about to break down right in front of everyone and embarrass myself. She then looked at me and hugged me and said, " I know you needed to hear that. I know you are struggling and we are going to take care of you." An angel sent from heaven. Yes, I believe she is a sold out christian. She knows where Chad and I stand and what we've been through and God has used her mightily.  God didn't have to prove Himself to Chad and I in that moment, but He did. If that's not love, I don't know what is. Honestly, He already did enough by sacrificing His life for me.

Romans 8:37-39, " But in all these things we are completely victorious through God who showed His love for us. Yes, I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, nor anything else in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Zephaniah 3:17," The Lord your God is with you; the Mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you.You will rest in His love; He will sing and be joyful about you."

There are so many more scriptures and promises that I could lay out before you to try and prove how amazing this moment is for us, but this is getting way to long and you have better things to do! 

Another giant leap. Please keep praying with us. Stand in agreement with us for this: 

1. That God will continue to sustain me. 
2. That this therapy will work and that it will be quicker than expected for it to work! 
3. That we will continue to recover and move forward and keep trusting the love of God. 

Love you all so much, God is so good and I can't wait to see MORE of His goodness in the land of the living!  

The World Is Still Spinning, but I'm Standing Still

Literally. Vertigo. 4 months and going, well not as strong now, but let's just say it has been a constant nagging force. I know, you don't want to hear about my constant issues but hey, at least these blogs always end the way the Holy Spirit intends! So keep reading! You have time:)

A lot of you know that I have been battling vertigo on and off for a lot of years, but consistently for the last 4 months. We finally got in with some of the best ENT specialists here in Jacksonville. We were able to get into the actual balance center for, so far, just some screen testings. Here's the low down...

First, we have been praying for this for quite some time. For favor for the right path, the right doctors, just answers and for all things to be brought to the light in this area. We believe that God answered that prayer! If you know anything about vertigo, it can be extremely debilitating or just annoying enough to rob you of most of your life and everyday activity. I have experienced both. The most recent has been the latter and has gotten to the point where it is keeping me from doing, well, life.

So, long story short. We went to see the doc. There are over 200 reasons that you can have vertigo, crazy. Well, this doc was able to pinpoint it to 2 out of 200 after some initial screen testings. And get this, she believes they are both inner ear related and that they are not ms related! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?! So what are the two things?

1. BPPV (This is a condition where tiny calcium crystals dislodge from their resting place and they roll around in your ear causing an imbalance.) So, the solution, physical therapy. I had it done this past Friday and well, I have been worse since LOL! It's okay, it's apparently normal. This morning is the best I have felt. They said to give it a few days following their protocol. Things such as not moving your neck, sleeping a certain way etc. So I will be following this until this Friday when I see them again for the 2nd issue.

2. Well, this doesn't have a name yet. We go on Friday morning, way earlier than I would like, for a series of 3 hour tests that will help to pinpoint this second issue. We then will see the doc the following Wednesday for those results and get an action plan in place.

What's funny is they usually treat these things with the benzo drug that I am currently on already! We explained our journey to the doc and she totally understands our stance with this drug and knows that very soon we will be starting to get off of it. So she said there are other medication options  or physical therapy for what she thinks might be going on. So options. Favor.

Since my appointment I have found myself questioning the ease. Meaning, the favor we had with the docs, the quick diagnosis, the fact that if it's this simple that would be amazing. In questioning this I heard the still small voice of the Lord say, " Mandy, you asked Me to make this easy, to bring all things to the light. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Don't you know that I love you enough to answer that?" If I'm honest, I haven't felt this all that much along this journey. That sounds really awful. God has come through for us so much. I mean, healed of ms, you name it. God is good, it's just been hard to keep believing that He loves me that much.

Another way God has been speaking to me is obviously through His amazing Word. Psalm 25:3, "No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse."

My hope is not in these doctors or their procedures, but is and will always be in Him.  So I will not be put to shame in this process. God will be glorified and I pray that it will all work for my good.

One more revelation that came this morning, as I was confessing the Word, is that I believe Chad and I have been in constant discovery mode in this journey and I believe that God is really moving us more and more away from discovery mode to full recovery mode! I believe we will always be discovering things as we are in a relationship with God, but in regards to my physical state and this journey, it's time to be in full recovery mode. This body must and will recover!

I am so thankful for some forward progress and am believing that I will not be put to shame as I continue to trust God. Please keep standing with us, we are not afraid to ask for prayer! We need it and welcome it.

Deuteronomy 33:25, " As thy days are, so shall they strength be." Yes and AMEN!

PAIN Defined

This is by no means Webster's definition of pain, but it's the definition that the Holy Spirit gave to me as I was running this morning, lol, appropriate during a run, right?! Also this is the definition that my flesh wants me to see:

Persistent
Agony
Initiating
Negativity

Ok, so don't worry, this blog will end up being an encouragement so please keep reading! Yesterday God used some beautiful women to open my eyes to some revelation as to what I have been processing internally. You know who you are and I thank God for you! It's amazing what an hour of talking split throughout the day with women of God can do for you!

My last blog was, well, I thought, a passionate cry for God to keep rewriting my story. A cry to want to do more, be more etc. I am still on that journey and train of thought, but while talking through things yesterday, I realize I have been fighting and praying through this issue of pain and suffering and of being content in it and being discontent in it. What is God's heart in all of that? Am I feeling and thinking the right things etc. Pretty much over analyzing lol. But, here's what God has helped me come to for today.

There are a lot of us who have been struggling with "PAIN", whether it be physical, spiritual or emotional, in our lives over the same issues for many, many years. What I've noticed over the years is that pain can be something that certainly produces negativity in our lives. It causes the bad things in our lives to be bigger than the good fruit that God is producing through the pain. So pain redefined from the Holy Spirit's perspective: (at least for me:)

Persistent
Acknowledgement
Initiating
New Life

Let me explain. In our pain, if we are persistent in acknowledging God in every area of our lives, in every moment of our lives it initiates new life or we could say, new fruit. Doesn't growth speak of new life? Bearing good fruit is growth, it's new life.

Proverbs 3:5-8, " Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and depart from evil. It is health to your flesh and strength to your bones."

My favorite scripture and theme of my life over the last year. Trusting in Jesus and not leaning on my understanding. Acknowledging Him and He is directing my path which leads to health and strength!

So in conclusion ;), in one of my conversations yesterday it hit me. I know all of these things. I know that the pain and the suffering in my life is producing amazing things, touching other people and doing exactly what God intends for it to do. But here's the deal, IT DOESN'T MAKE THE PROCESS OR THE JOURNEY ANY LESS PAINFUL!!! It still hurts, there is still the fight to either acknowledge negativity or new life.

 Jesus knew His journey on this earth. He knew that one day, He was going to be beaten beyond recognition and then be brutally nailed to the cross to pay the price for our sins. Do you think for one moment that every crack of that whip and pound of that hammer was any less painful just because He knew the outcome and the purpose of the pain? 

Think about that. Exactly. Pain is pain, but we have to define it with God's perspective and even though it still hurts we can choose to see the the good fruit over the negative and in that we are glorifying God and putting the enemy where he belongs.

LISTEN UP! A MUST READ!!! My Story: Rewritten

" The only Bible some people will ever read is you." Pastor Russ Austin

What a statement. What a revelation. We are doing a new series at our church called "Story". This past Sunday was the first message of the series and it was inspiring and dead on with what I have been praying for. I've been crying out to God asking Him what story do I have, what testimony am I if all I can do is mope around the cave and write the occasional blog? What difference am I making. What I've been doing is just not good enough any more. My story has to be improved upon.

I want to be that great protagonist (hero) that our pastor was talking about. I want a story where my character is ambitious. Someone who is compelling and interesting. When people are around me, or read what I am writing or hear what I am singing, to be inspired to do more, to be inspired to do the things that I am passionate about. I want to rub off on them.

I want to be the hero in the story that when people read about me, whatever my mission is, whatever I am out to fix or do is so powerful that it awakens that very thing in others around me!

All of you know the journey that I have been on. Yesterday, I drove for the first time more than 10 minutes by myself in about 3 months because of the vertigo issues. I only did so because the Holy Spirit said, "Go". You know my motto, if He speaks, I do it, if I don't hear Him, I don't move.

While talking with a friend yesterday, I was saying how one of the things that God is challenging me on is my listening skills. While being with friends, others etc. And then it hit me. If I'm not a good listener in the flesh, to those around me, then how can I be a good listener to the Holy Spirit? See here's the thing, I'm beginning to believe that God talks to me way more than I hear Him.

John 8:47, " The who is from God listens to God's words. This is why you don't listen, because you are not from God." 

My number 1 goal this year: To be a better listener. Not only because God has made this my goal, but also because my whole life depends on it. Hearing Him and then obeying what I hear is what is going to amp up my story in every way.

I want to wake up every day and choose to confess the Word of God (not that I don't to some extent already), but instead I do it out of sheer desperation to survive. I want to choose to passionately run after and pursue God, not just out of a survival mentality, but just because that's the way it should be because He is God and deserves my whole life.

I have had this conversation with God before and I know that He believes me when I say that I will do this if He were to take all the physical stuff away. But every time we talk about it, He simply says, " I believe you, you're just not there yet."

Ok. Ok, I'm not there yet. So my next goal for this year, how do I get there??? What's awesome is God is revealing to me the how to already. He is practically forming it for me so I can move in that direction.

I will leave you with this, Matthew 6:33, " But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." This is where everyone's story must begin. Without His direction and redemptive and restoring power we have no story. 

My mission is very clear as to what I am to fix and save, but I can't do it in my own strength. I haven't been trying to actually, but now God is just growing me even more. He has been writing my story and shaping the theme and now it's time for action. It's time for people to be able to read what He is writing and it make a difference.