Yes, I just named my own hurricane. At least I used an I to stay within the theme of Isaac! But seriously, I've got my own hurricane happening all around me! Today is day one of another step down from the benzo drug that I have been on. I have two more weeks left and then I am off of it for, hopefully,good! Praise the Lord. With that in mind, I am having to over come all kinds of mind wars today. Along with a plethora of other physical symptoms that are attacking me today, my legs act like they just don't want to work just about every other day and today is one of those days!
But guess what??? I am so not worried by this storm. Even though it seems like the battle is for my body, it's really for my mind. Even though my body is screaming at me at the top of it's lungs, the battle is still for my mind. Even though there isn't a physical cure for my body, there is for my mind, and therein lies my healing for every part of me!
John 14:27, " Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Ahhhhhh, I feel like my mind just ate a Reese's peanut butter cup (yes this is my favorite candy in all of the world, so this is a good thing ;-) But seriously, just one word from Jesus' mouth and my mind is renewed. That's amazing isn't it? My body is still screaming but my mind is renewed therefore my spirit man is alive and aware of the enemies schemes for me today.
So even though I don't feel free, I am free and my body will align in due time! In church yesterday, as I was worshiping, I usually have multiple conversations with God and yesterday I found myself repenting of all the times when I could raise my hands without issue in worship to Him and I didn't. I was repenting of all the times that I could stand on my legs with great strength and I didn't. All the times I could breathe with great ease and I took advantage of it. I know that I couldn't have known that this would be my journey then, but it sure does make me stay in a broken state before God and a grateful state for everything in my life.
This hurricane cannot have it's way, it may rain a lot and there may even be some wind damage, but the rain will dry up in the light of the Son and the wind damage will be repaired with the tools that He has given me. Even though this day isn't the way I would like it right now, it's still the day that God has made and I am going to make a choice to be glad in it!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Let the shaking begin...or just keep going...
So here we go again...the war is raging and the ground is shaking all around us! My body is really starting to feel the effects of being off the ms medications. Last year when I got off of them, 3 weeks in my legs starting going numb and got really weak. Here we are 3 weeks in and the same thing is threatening to start up again. Needless to say, my world is shaking around me, but this time, I am running to my only answer...Jesus. Not what the world has to offer, because they really don't have anything to offer.
I have to confess, I have cried my tears of fear out this morning to God and am feeling much more graced up and ready to face this beautiful day that lays before me. Remember in my last post I said that our new motto around here is, " If we don't hear anything, we don't do anything." ? We are still hanging on to that. A couple of things that I know for sure that God is saying as I was praying through all of this. I heard His gentle voice say, " Be still and know that I am God." I also keep hearing Him say, " This to shall pass." I am hanging on to every word He says...it's all I've got right now.
I can't explain to the fullest the amount of torment that we go through in our minds and the torment I go through in my body to overcome on a day to day basis. This is hard. But today, there are a few things that I am determined to do:
1.Keep my mind fixed on Jesus, that's where perfect peace is. ( Isaiah 26:3)
2. To not be shaken by what I feel and/or see. ( Hebrews 12:27-29)
3. Stand on Psalm 46, " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations He has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, He burns the shields with fire. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
We have told so many of you that your prayers are adding layers of grace to us in this season. You fighting with us is what keeps us moving forward on top of God's promises in our lives. Please keep praying. I know that the best is yet to come, just trying to convince my body of it!
God is good and we trust Him(cue a big sigh of relief :-) Thank You Jesus.
I have to confess, I have cried my tears of fear out this morning to God and am feeling much more graced up and ready to face this beautiful day that lays before me. Remember in my last post I said that our new motto around here is, " If we don't hear anything, we don't do anything." ? We are still hanging on to that. A couple of things that I know for sure that God is saying as I was praying through all of this. I heard His gentle voice say, " Be still and know that I am God." I also keep hearing Him say, " This to shall pass." I am hanging on to every word He says...it's all I've got right now.
I can't explain to the fullest the amount of torment that we go through in our minds and the torment I go through in my body to overcome on a day to day basis. This is hard. But today, there are a few things that I am determined to do:
1.Keep my mind fixed on Jesus, that's where perfect peace is. ( Isaiah 26:3)
2. To not be shaken by what I feel and/or see. ( Hebrews 12:27-29)
3. Stand on Psalm 46, " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations He has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, He burns the shields with fire. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
We have told so many of you that your prayers are adding layers of grace to us in this season. You fighting with us is what keeps us moving forward on top of God's promises in our lives. Please keep praying. I know that the best is yet to come, just trying to convince my body of it!
God is good and we trust Him(cue a big sigh of relief :-) Thank You Jesus.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Having done all to stand...Stand
Last night we had some History Channel type show on and they were talking about Sodom and Gomorrah and the show was getting the facts all wrong and misinterpreting the Bible and what it really says. So being the person I am, wanting to always be right ;-), I looked up the story and read it again for myself and was reminded of the true facts of the story straight from the Word. It also reminded me of something else.
In Genesis 19 it tells the story about Lot, his wife and daughters how they went to Sodom and Gomorrah and then at the end of the story they were told to flee because God was going to destroy the place. They were also warned by the angels that told them to flee to not look back to keep running to the next closest city. Well, as you know, in verse 26 it says, " But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." This really spoke to me.
I am still dealing with so much physically and the days when I don't access God's grace to the fullest I have this urge to look back. God just keeps saying to me don't look back. Keep moving forward. Having done all to stand...stand ( Ephesians 6:13-14).
Chad and I have a new motto in this season that we are in. "If you don't hear anything, don't do anything." I plan to write a rap out of this as soon as possible with my mean rapping skills, LOL...sorry! That's beside the point! In other words, if we don't hear the voice of God speaking to us, we are not moving. We are not making any decisions. We are staying tuned in to the Holy Spirit, so if He is talking we are confident that we are not going to miss Him. It seems like we should be making so many decisions if we were to base everything off of what my body feels. But, we don't hear Him talking to us to do anything. So...we wait. We wait and we access God's grace and peace. Is this easy? Absolutely not! It's one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing we have ever done.
Honestly, I feel like nothing. I feel like a grain of sand, so insignificant. The message that was preached from our pulpit yesterday was so timely for me. Our pastor spoke out of Psalm 8:3-9 which talks about God being mindful of us and that He considers us just a little lower than the heavenly beings. Pretty awesome. That adds a tremendous amount of significance to us no matter what we feel like or what season of life we are in.
So, to conclude, we are just waiting on Him. We are waiting on Him to talk to us and until then we continue to stand, trusting that we are walking in step with His perfect will for our lives. We will not look back as easy as that would be. We will keep our eyes fixed on things above and keep moving forward.
In Genesis 19 it tells the story about Lot, his wife and daughters how they went to Sodom and Gomorrah and then at the end of the story they were told to flee because God was going to destroy the place. They were also warned by the angels that told them to flee to not look back to keep running to the next closest city. Well, as you know, in verse 26 it says, " But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." This really spoke to me.
I am still dealing with so much physically and the days when I don't access God's grace to the fullest I have this urge to look back. God just keeps saying to me don't look back. Keep moving forward. Having done all to stand...stand ( Ephesians 6:13-14).
Chad and I have a new motto in this season that we are in. "If you don't hear anything, don't do anything." I plan to write a rap out of this as soon as possible with my mean rapping skills, LOL...sorry! That's beside the point! In other words, if we don't hear the voice of God speaking to us, we are not moving. We are not making any decisions. We are staying tuned in to the Holy Spirit, so if He is talking we are confident that we are not going to miss Him. It seems like we should be making so many decisions if we were to base everything off of what my body feels. But, we don't hear Him talking to us to do anything. So...we wait. We wait and we access God's grace and peace. Is this easy? Absolutely not! It's one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing we have ever done.
Honestly, I feel like nothing. I feel like a grain of sand, so insignificant. The message that was preached from our pulpit yesterday was so timely for me. Our pastor spoke out of Psalm 8:3-9 which talks about God being mindful of us and that He considers us just a little lower than the heavenly beings. Pretty awesome. That adds a tremendous amount of significance to us no matter what we feel like or what season of life we are in.
So, to conclude, we are just waiting on Him. We are waiting on Him to talk to us and until then we continue to stand, trusting that we are walking in step with His perfect will for our lives. We will not look back as easy as that would be. We will keep our eyes fixed on things above and keep moving forward.
Monday, August 13, 2012
The results are in!
I got the results of most of my blood work last week. Still waiting on one more thing and have to go back in for the Hep C because that fell through the cracks when we were there last week. I have great news...my white blood cell counts were back up to normal after just one week of being of the injections. Great news indeed! Because that means that I can't go back on the shots and it means that there is nothing extra wrong with my blood that needs to be investigated. So praise God...another huge answer to pray!
All of the other stuff came back normal, kidney, liver functions. It was confirmed that I do not have Celiac. We are still waiting on one more thing that has to do with the new treatment that we are investigating for ms. But we are still waiting on God for this as we are still standing and believing that I am completely healed from ms.
This will be week two of being off of injections and I am going down another notch on the benzo drug that I am weaning off of. Getting closer to being completely free! I have been on an antibiotic all week for shingles...fun times...hoping that it will pass soon as well.
As I have been praying through everything there's a couple of things that I have been standing on. First, I will not dread the things to come, but will believe that there is only good and prosperous things to come as I get further into this detoxifying process. Proverbs 28:25, " ...but he who trusts in the Lord will prosper." That's me, I trust in the Lord! That's all I have been able to say these days.
Secondly, I keep saying Psalm 91:5 + 6, " I will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday." The truth is that there is the potential for things to get really bad, but Chad and I are believing the Word of God that the arrows, pestilence and the plague will not come near us.
Psalm 91:14-16," Because He loves me, ' says the Lord, ' I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
YES AND AMEN! I truly believe that God has healed this body of mine, despite what it feels like. I have a peace that passes all understanding as I continue to stand on the Word of God and believe what it says. God is continuing to conform me to His image and He is so good. The true results...healed, delivered and whole, period!
All of the other stuff came back normal, kidney, liver functions. It was confirmed that I do not have Celiac. We are still waiting on one more thing that has to do with the new treatment that we are investigating for ms. But we are still waiting on God for this as we are still standing and believing that I am completely healed from ms.
This will be week two of being off of injections and I am going down another notch on the benzo drug that I am weaning off of. Getting closer to being completely free! I have been on an antibiotic all week for shingles...fun times...hoping that it will pass soon as well.
As I have been praying through everything there's a couple of things that I have been standing on. First, I will not dread the things to come, but will believe that there is only good and prosperous things to come as I get further into this detoxifying process. Proverbs 28:25, " ...but he who trusts in the Lord will prosper." That's me, I trust in the Lord! That's all I have been able to say these days.
Secondly, I keep saying Psalm 91:5 + 6, " I will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday." The truth is that there is the potential for things to get really bad, but Chad and I are believing the Word of God that the arrows, pestilence and the plague will not come near us.
Psalm 91:14-16," Because He loves me, ' says the Lord, ' I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
YES AND AMEN! I truly believe that God has healed this body of mine, despite what it feels like. I have a peace that passes all understanding as I continue to stand on the Word of God and believe what it says. God is continuing to conform me to His image and He is so good. The true results...healed, delivered and whole, period!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Still here!
Ok, so week one off of injections! Praise God! Over the last 5 days I have had this horrible, increasing pain in the left side of my head. What people would say shingles feels like. I thought I could just mask the pain and keep rolling but it hit me hard yesterday and is still that way today. So we just came from the doctor and good thing we did!
We needed a face to face meeting with my neurologist anyway since all of this has happened with coming off of medications and investigating new ones etc. So, it made since with my condition and the questions that were stirring in us to take the open slot that they squeezed us in today.
Here's what came out of it, I am encouraged by all of it. This thing on my head is believed to be an infection, not ms related (because, side note, God has healed me of ms :-). So antibiotic and a stronger pain pill so that I can actually lay on my head at night to sleep! Number 2 we got to talking about why I was taken off the injections. It is because my white blood cell counts have apparently been low over the last 6 months and slowly declining. Well here's the good news, in my opinion, she had me go to the lab to get tested for my current white blood cell count, and some other stuff on top. If the cell count is not coming back up being off the injections then that indicates that there may be something else going on that is causing all of this mess and yet another open door to figure out why I have been going through all of this to begin with. Yes that is super encouraging to me because, again, not ms related! The favor of God was so present. My doctor even said to us that she went through my whole history/chart last night because she is really concerned that we may be missing something. God is using someone that may not even know Him...if that doesn't show us the love and mercy of God, nothing will.
So we are waiting to see what the results look like, hopefully within the next couple of days. If they are still low, then we pursue this open door to see what can be revealed. Through my agony and tears over the last couple of days the only thing I have been able to keep saying is, " I trust You God, I trust You God, I need You to come through for me, I trust You God."
In my spirit, I believe 100% that God has healed me of ms. In my flesh it's almost laughable how opposite my body feels to this truth. What's amazing is even my neurologist, whom is amazing and very sweet but still is working out of the box she has been trained in, agreed that we needed to take more time to detox this body of mine from everything so that we can truly see where I am at before taking another step towards medications.
My prediction is that once I am free from the chemicals and all of this weaning junk, that my body is going to line up the way God intended it to and we are going to see that God has really healed me. I believe that God is working this situation so that when it all happens, NOBODY will question that it is Him that has done this miracle...nobody. There will be no doctors or medications or earthly solutions that will take the place of Him being the answer. Amazing.
The hard part, is enduring and living in this body of mine until the manifestation of that miracle comes. That's why I have to stay so grounded in the Word and I need all of you praying for Chad and I to have the faith, the grace and the strength to stick this out so we can walk into our promise land.
For now, I am thanking God for today. For His grace being sufficient for today. For life today. For breathe in my lungs today. For being able to walk today. I know God's got this, I just need my tormented flesh to be convinced of that and my mind to be continually renewed to this truth.
What an amazing journey this is....thanks again for standing with us...keep praying and please keep believing...
We needed a face to face meeting with my neurologist anyway since all of this has happened with coming off of medications and investigating new ones etc. So, it made since with my condition and the questions that were stirring in us to take the open slot that they squeezed us in today.
Here's what came out of it, I am encouraged by all of it. This thing on my head is believed to be an infection, not ms related (because, side note, God has healed me of ms :-). So antibiotic and a stronger pain pill so that I can actually lay on my head at night to sleep! Number 2 we got to talking about why I was taken off the injections. It is because my white blood cell counts have apparently been low over the last 6 months and slowly declining. Well here's the good news, in my opinion, she had me go to the lab to get tested for my current white blood cell count, and some other stuff on top. If the cell count is not coming back up being off the injections then that indicates that there may be something else going on that is causing all of this mess and yet another open door to figure out why I have been going through all of this to begin with. Yes that is super encouraging to me because, again, not ms related! The favor of God was so present. My doctor even said to us that she went through my whole history/chart last night because she is really concerned that we may be missing something. God is using someone that may not even know Him...if that doesn't show us the love and mercy of God, nothing will.
So we are waiting to see what the results look like, hopefully within the next couple of days. If they are still low, then we pursue this open door to see what can be revealed. Through my agony and tears over the last couple of days the only thing I have been able to keep saying is, " I trust You God, I trust You God, I need You to come through for me, I trust You God."
In my spirit, I believe 100% that God has healed me of ms. In my flesh it's almost laughable how opposite my body feels to this truth. What's amazing is even my neurologist, whom is amazing and very sweet but still is working out of the box she has been trained in, agreed that we needed to take more time to detox this body of mine from everything so that we can truly see where I am at before taking another step towards medications.
My prediction is that once I am free from the chemicals and all of this weaning junk, that my body is going to line up the way God intended it to and we are going to see that God has really healed me. I believe that God is working this situation so that when it all happens, NOBODY will question that it is Him that has done this miracle...nobody. There will be no doctors or medications or earthly solutions that will take the place of Him being the answer. Amazing.
The hard part, is enduring and living in this body of mine until the manifestation of that miracle comes. That's why I have to stay so grounded in the Word and I need all of you praying for Chad and I to have the faith, the grace and the strength to stick this out so we can walk into our promise land.
For now, I am thanking God for today. For His grace being sufficient for today. For life today. For breathe in my lungs today. For being able to walk today. I know God's got this, I just need my tormented flesh to be convinced of that and my mind to be continually renewed to this truth.
What an amazing journey this is....thanks again for standing with us...keep praying and please keep believing...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Quick Update...Because I am having an Out of Body Experience
Hey everyone, I just wanted to type up a quick update to let you know that we had some, what we believe to be huge information regarding what's going on. I can't go into detail at this time but need to tell you just one thing that God did for us yesterday so that you can all be praying.
I have been saying for about a year that the medication that I have been on for ms has been hurting me and not helping me. I have even brought it up many times to my doctors. I just feel toxic and could journal to the tee what I feel every week due to this medication. We have stayed on it, a little out of fear and because we didn't really have a safer alternative and because of our doubt that God has not healed me of ms. There's the truth.
Here's the miracle, for us,...as of yesterday, my doctors have told me that I have to stop the shots due to the fact that they are indeed hurting me! After reviewing recent blood workups and those previous, the data is consistent with the fact that I have to stop taking the medication, no if, ands or buts! Are you kidding me? And, yes that is a good are you kidding me. When they told me this, nothing but peace flooded my spirit and even my flesh. I felt something in my spirit and my flesh leap and lift. I can hardly explain it. God did it. He made the decision for us, just like I have been asking Him to do all this time. To lead us into all truth.
My doctors are having us research some other stuff that I can't get into as of yet. My point today is that I have every reason to be so afraid of what the outcome of coming off of this medication COULD BE, BUT I HAVE NO DOUBT AND NO FEAR that this is completely, 100% God! That little lying voice in my head that was yelling at me all year long, it's still there, but I am having to strain to hear him...what a miracle in and of itself.
So, please pray with us, for us, however the Holy Spirit leads because we have some crucial steps of faith to take from here on out. Yesterday morning, we cried out to God and He heard our cry and we believe that He is answering us. That the fullness of time is here. Please pray that we will stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit and that we will continue to have this peace that passes all of our understanding.
I know there is more to come!
I have been saying for about a year that the medication that I have been on for ms has been hurting me and not helping me. I have even brought it up many times to my doctors. I just feel toxic and could journal to the tee what I feel every week due to this medication. We have stayed on it, a little out of fear and because we didn't really have a safer alternative and because of our doubt that God has not healed me of ms. There's the truth.
Here's the miracle, for us,...as of yesterday, my doctors have told me that I have to stop the shots due to the fact that they are indeed hurting me! After reviewing recent blood workups and those previous, the data is consistent with the fact that I have to stop taking the medication, no if, ands or buts! Are you kidding me? And, yes that is a good are you kidding me. When they told me this, nothing but peace flooded my spirit and even my flesh. I felt something in my spirit and my flesh leap and lift. I can hardly explain it. God did it. He made the decision for us, just like I have been asking Him to do all this time. To lead us into all truth.
My doctors are having us research some other stuff that I can't get into as of yet. My point today is that I have every reason to be so afraid of what the outcome of coming off of this medication COULD BE, BUT I HAVE NO DOUBT AND NO FEAR that this is completely, 100% God! That little lying voice in my head that was yelling at me all year long, it's still there, but I am having to strain to hear him...what a miracle in and of itself.
So, please pray with us, for us, however the Holy Spirit leads because we have some crucial steps of faith to take from here on out. Yesterday morning, we cried out to God and He heard our cry and we believe that He is answering us. That the fullness of time is here. Please pray that we will stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit and that we will continue to have this peace that passes all of our understanding.
I know there is more to come!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Crisis...AGAIN!
So I literally just made it from the bedroom to couch this morning. I awoke this morning to a body that has spiraled back into an adrenal crisis, so the doctors think, again. I am experiencing some very familiar things and some very new and intense things. To say the least, my body feels horrible. What's awesome though is that my mind doesn't feel horrible. Do I want to be going through this? Uh, no...but God is really ordering our steps this morning as we seek Him and we are getting the council that we need to hopefully avoid the ER once again.
While I can't hardly stand on my own two feet today, I can truly depend on God's Word to be living and active in my body and in my life today. I have no desire to even question it...it's the only way. Jesus is it for me folks...His Word and power is all that I have.
Psalm 60:12, " With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies."
Psalm 62:1 + 2, " My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."
Yes, that is really what I believe. God is not gonna forsake me, so there is no reason for me to be shaken by what I feel or see today. I am so confident in this and amazed that I am. I don't even have to work at convincing myself.
Call it denial, but I refuse to believe that God is gonna leave me right here. Keep praying for us, please don't back down, we need all of it.
While I can't hardly stand on my own two feet today, I can truly depend on God's Word to be living and active in my body and in my life today. I have no desire to even question it...it's the only way. Jesus is it for me folks...His Word and power is all that I have.
Psalm 60:12, " With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies."
Psalm 62:1 + 2, " My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."
Yes, that is really what I believe. God is not gonna forsake me, so there is no reason for me to be shaken by what I feel or see today. I am so confident in this and amazed that I am. I don't even have to work at convincing myself.
Call it denial, but I refuse to believe that God is gonna leave me right here. Keep praying for us, please don't back down, we need all of it.
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