Last week was really hard for me emotionally and physically and this week a little better. Some days barely able to walk or use my arms and then some days that are what my average is these days. Just surviving and trying to have a little normalcy along with it. I will admit...I have been caving and internalizing my struggle over the last couple of weeks. Honestly, I just didn't have the energy to do anything else but that. But then, finally over this last weekend and the beginning of this week, God started to speak and I decided to listen and allow myself to let go of some more of the struggle.
It really all came to a head for me this past Sunday. The word that our pastor brought forth was, of course, perfect timing for me. He was talking out of Luke 1:5-24 about Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth. The story goes Zechariah was appointed to do great things and meanwhile he and his wife couldn't bear a son. So the short version, an angel visited Zechariah and said that his wife would bear a son etc. etc. Well Zechariah questioned the angel and God, pretty much doubted what he was saying. He wanted to be sure, the scripture says, of what he was he was hearing.
Well the angel that visited Zechariah in the temple said, " I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time." (vs. 19 + 20)
So, to get to the point, my pastor brought this out..., " Unbelief will make you lose your voice." WOW. Yes, doubt, unbelief, not having faith in what God has promised, however you want to say it, it will make you lose your voice or what stuck out to me, your influence. Now that is not something that I am willing to give up or lose! I have struggled this year with my unbelief and it's worse at certain times and it was these last couple of weeks for me. I overcame, so I am happy about that, but it was a fight and an exhausting one at that. I'm sure it won't be the last.
Last thing. I ran into a friend in the rotunda of our church who has been going through a journey of their own and this person had a word from God for me to. This individual said that God gave them a vision of being in a pool. You know, when you jump into really deep water and you are sinking and sinking and sinking and you feel like you are never gonna find the bottom? But then, your feet hit the bottom and what do you do? Yeah, you bet, you push as hard as you can off the bottom of that pool so that you can get to the top as fast as possible!
What a great picture. I feel like I have been drowning and sinking for about 8 years and getting deeper and deeper just this last year. This word encouraged me to remember that there is a bottom to this pool and when I reach it then God will give me the strength to get right back to the top again.
So I came away from the weekend and the first part of this week built back up spiritually and emotionally, praise God. It's exhausting being me sometimes!
I am so grateful for what I have and for my family and all that we get to enjoy this holiday season. We are praying God's word and will over my mri today. Whatever the results may be He is still Lord of our situation and our lives and we couldn't be more honored and excited about that.
If this is my last post before Christmas, I want to say, Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you for continuing to pray and stand with us. It's the best present we could receive going into this new year. Love you all!
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