Visions and Dreams

Visions and Dreams...they can be a beautiful thing and/or absolutely terrifying. We've all had them. We've all been woken in the night either delighted at the possibility of that dream becoming real or woken up praying that it doesn't. We've all had the experience of being able to get away from our reality, whether welcomed or not, only to wake up to our reality.

Over the last 10 months I've learned a little something about visions and dreams. As most of you know, we've just recently had a new addition to our family. Our sweet little girl, Ashlyn. She was a sweet surprise to our crazy world and season. She wasn't planned, at least by us anyway!

 Just a little back story...I have dreamed of Ashlyn since I was just a teeny bopper! Literally, I would have visions and dreams of her that would wake me in the night. I would feel her kicking me in my womb before I even knew what it felt like to be pregnant. I saw her sweet face on more than one occasion as well. God gave me her name before I knew my husband. When I got married and 6 years later found out I was pregnant, I started looking at names and discovered the meaning of her name (not sure why I never looked it up before that) as we were hunting names for boys and girls. I thought for sure she was in the line up to be in my arms! Well, 2 beautiful BOYS later, I started to wonder. Come to find out her name, Ashlyn Renee, means Vision or Dream reborn. As we went through the ups and downs with my health and all that it took just to have our 2 sweet boys, I started to realize that this little vision might just be that. Nothing more than a vision and a dream that wasn't going to be a reality. I thought, why would God allow me to see her so vividly and so many times if I wasn't going to get to have her in my world. I questioned if it was God who gave me these visions and dreams when I knew it was absolutely Him. And from day 1 of my pregnancy, the enemy was there, waiting to steal, kill and destroy that which God had ordained.

To the point:

1. God gives us visions and dreams for a reason.

God allowed me to see this sweet girl before I even knew if I was getting married, before I knew if I could bear children, before I knew I would be hit with sickness and disease...He allowed me to see a glimpse of what He had for me so that when I am being hit from every side, I could see His plans to prosper me and give me good things. He allowed me to see His goodness so that I would have something to look to...Hope, He was setting a foundation of hope in Him and not my circumstances. This vision was pretty much an impossibility in my world. My circumstances said no on every side to this becoming a reality and my circumstances are still screaming no even though it's my reality!

Take away: Don't let go of what God has shown you. If it's Him, no matter your circumstances, if you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).

2. It's easy to question whether the vision or dream is God's or of your own making.

I don't know about you, but there have been many times I've thought I've heard the voice of  God only for it to be mine. There have been many plans and even things I've thought were visions and dreams from Him that totally flopped because it turns out it was something made from my own soul. So how can we tell the difference? The answer that has proven true for me is to stay in constant relationship with Him. To really die to myself and walk by the spirit. We have a greater chance of not missing Him that way. When God gives us a vision or a dream and our circumstances say something else, it's very easy to lose heart. It's very easy to doubt Him and believe that it was just something we conjured up. Because I am connected daily to Him, I laid this vision and dream at His feet. I buried it and I waited to see if He would resurrect it. And He did!

Take away: John 3:6," That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit." We have to continually lay our visions and dreams at His feet and be willing to let go of them.

3. The enemy is waiting to steal, kill and destroy our visions and dreams.

I've encountered a lot in the last 11 years with my health specifically. God has sustained me, but even now as I type, I am still walking through a very hard season. Physically having to over come, mentally having to stay constantly renewed and spiritually having to fight to keep the hope alive that one day the vision and dream that I will be completely well is on this side of Heaven and a God breathed vision and dream. From the start of my pregnancy the enemy was there seeking to devour the vision. We thought we lost her multiple times and then the pregnancy itself was an experience! Without going into all the details, let's just say the process was not the most joyous. Lot's of complications thus making both Chad and I think, " was this really God?". And you know what? The enemy is STILL trying to make us think it wasn't God because of everything I'm going through right now. The enemy just doesn't give up and we can't either.

Take away: We have to be aware that the enemy is constantly after the visions and dreams that God has given us (1 Peter 5:8, John 10:10). We also have to be willing to fight for those visions and dreams and not doubt even when everything around us is telling us to.

Even though the struggle is very real, God is still good and He is for us. He wants to prosper us. He wants to give us visions and dreams. He wants to produce hope in us. He wants us to trust Him, to rely on Him, to believe that what HE says will be, will actually be.

Carrying a baby aka a vision or dream is hard work and birthing it is even harder. But the end result, well you know, it's absolutely worth every moment of struggle. The outcome is so rewarding and so beautiful.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made...keep hope alive and keep dreaming. 

Happy 3 Year Anniversay!!!

Hebrews 11:1, " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I have been fighting myself all day today on whether or not I should write a blog today. Yep, it's been 3 years today that I heard God say that I am healed of ms. 3 years. So why the fight? Why not total celebration and excitement? Why the above scripture?

I am writing out of obligation to giving all the glory to God for what He is doing in my life. None of you would remember this date unless I posted something, so no offense, but this isn't for you as much as it for me and the process of glorifying the only Person that matters! I can celebrate today because of the above scripture. I can celebrate the fact that despite my body going through every known symptom that I still have ms, that the faith that I have is the evidence of things not yet seen!

I was told a couple of months ago that I should be back on ms medications. Since then I have had, two major, what the neurology world would call flare ups. I'm currently on massive steroids trying to get this current one to subside. But I still hear that still, small voice saying, " You're healed, you're healed."

God is doing some amazing things in the process as usual. To update all of you, there's a new perspective that we have. As you all know, I'm weaning off of a very powerful benzo drug. Almost halfway there! Along the way, I have hit some walls, but God has been gracious to help us find the doors to open along those walls to make it through to the next step.

This past week, we feel the Holy Spirit brought to our attention a new perspective and a way to treat and walk out this perspective. My nervous system is being attacked. Old damage, new damage. Whether it be ms or this drug has been the outstanding question in our  minds.  However, we keep pushing through believing what God said 3 years ago. So this past week, we discovered a medication that has proven helpful in aiding the central nervous system to actually repair and function better. I know, I know, another medication? Yep, we said the same thing. Call us faithless, but we are at a place where we realize that my body needs help to get through this crazy weaning process. My central nervous system needs help to stay alive and have me walking on the other side. So we did our research, prayed, asked questions, prayed, made many calls, prayed...you get it. We decided to start this medication this past Wednesday. You may ask why this medication wasn't brought to our attention by my doctors way before now. Well, it's unconventional and it is not proven to slow the progression of ms so my doctors didn't see it as an option as they still view me as someone with ms. Perspective.

Thursday morning was the 1st day in I can't tell you how long that I woke up and the world wasn't spinning, at least for a couple of hours anyways lol! But hey, I'll take it! We are believing that this new drug along with the guidance of the Holy Spirit is going to eventually help my quality of life to improve. Faithless no, hopeful yes. Is our hope in this drug? NO! It's in the hope that the Holy Spirit keeps revealing to us what is needed in this process of ours to continue to shape us into the people we need to be on the other side of this.

God can totally snap His fingers and take all of this away. And we will never stop asking Him to do so. But until He does, I fully believe He is preparing us for something that is much needed in the advancement of His kingdom. It's not my job to say what that looks like or how long the process should be. It's my job to listen and have faith in Him.

So I celebrate today that I am still in step with Him. That I am still in the process that He is in control of. That I am still dead to my agenda and He is having His way. That the enemy has been defeated because I'm still overcoming. That God is good and He is continuing to make me more like Him.

That my faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Yes! I will celebrate whether I see my circumstances changing because He is worthy of all the glory. Because He is faithful to His promises and His word never returns void!

So there you have it...Happy 3 years...no matter what, keep the faith because one day, it won't just be the evidence of things unseen, but SEEN.

When You Aren't Promised Tomorrow...

You learn that you have to live in victory today!

James 4:13-14, " Now listen, you who say,' Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." 

I was strapping on my shoes this morning doing my usual routine of submitting to the Holy Spirit and putting on each piece of the armor of God and the title of this blog hit me like a ton of bricks. What if tomorrow doesn't come for me? The answer, well, honestly I thought wow, all I have to think about is today and if that's the case, hey, I can do that. It's just one day, right? I know that seems morbid and weird but for someone who struggles everyday with questions like, what does the future hold, will I be able to walk tomorrow, will I even be able to get out of bed and function tomorrow...this is a HUGE relief!

When you look at the word of God there are so many scriptures pertaining to doing things daily. Submitting to the Holy Spirit, daily. Renewing our minds, daily. Putting on the armor of God, daily. This list keeps going and going. Every promise that was made if looked at in the light of today is in effect. If you really think about it, why did Jesus say to renew our minds daily? Why is submission to the Holy Spirit a daily struggle and commitment? Also, do you sleep in armor? I guess we could, but it'd be extremely uncomfortable! We let our guard down and take off our armor and so then we'd have to strap it back on the next day right?

A month ago, I was leading worship and my neck paralyzed right in the middle of me leading a song called " Lord Over All" crazy. I'll tell you what, when your neck paralyzes in front of 1,000 people and almost takes you to the ground multiple times, you'd better believe what you are singing! The next week we were told after 3 years of believing that God healed me of ms that there was an active lesion in the top of my spine causing all the problems. We were told that we'd better start looking at picking up meds for ms again etc, etc. We were also told our only option to stop the inflammation was to up the current steroid that I'm on for my adrenal glands in the hopes to get it to stop.

In the midst of that, a week later, after 3 years of taking the benzo drug that I am currently weaning off of, I completely forgot to take my morning dose and by mid-morning, while at church, I could barely get to the car to get home! I automatically dropped 10% of the meds and my body went into shock! So we thought it might be a good idea to try and stay at that level for week and see if my body would stabilize. If we did that, then I would gain about 10 weeks on this wean, awesome right??? Not so much. By Thursday, I could barely walk or function so we decided to just go up by 5% and my body has been stabilizing slowly but surely, praise God!

We asked God when we went to the neurologist that He would reveal truth that would set us free. Well, we got truth, but freedom is still in the fact that we believe that God has already healed me of ms despite what we see and have been told. So at this time we are not going back on medications for it. Our options were slim and we are doing some natural things and trusting in that word that was spoken so clearly almost 3 years ago.

Every day is a fight to keep our heads above the waves. BUT, if I know all I have to do is worry about today, then I can make a choice to submit and surrender and trust in God for that day and live it to the fullest instead of just trying to survive. When I start thinking about tomorrow, that all goes out the window because I don't have the strength for tomorrow. I only have the strength and grace for today because that is what God has given me. His mercies are new every morning, DAILY.

Matthew 6:34, " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

Oh so very true! So let's take God at His word, submit, surrender, armor up and walk in His mercies and promises and grace that He has provided for today. Renewing our minds to the fact that today is today and we can choose to embrace what God is saying about us or not. Then we can lay our heads down tonight knowing that if tomorrow doesn't come, we lived in victory today.

Freedom Comes With A Price

WOW!  I can't believe how long it's been since my last post! So many exciting things have been going on, I don't even know where to begin. But what brings me here today is a compelling word that has been whirling around in my spirit for a couple of months now, setting me free to another level and our home. I heard the Holy Spirit say this word was worth the time to post. So here goes!

Galatians 5:1, " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." 

Freedom comes with a price. We've heard this phrase so many times. Especially around national holidays when we are celebrating our freedom and the people it took to allow that freedom to happen...soldiers etc. Freedom comes with a price. Nothing is free, it seems. 

So since my last post I am not only still off of all MS medications (coming up on 3 years!) but I have also weaned from a blood pressure medication and am now weaning from the ever so powerful benzo drug that I have been on. We discovered it was hurting me and not helping me so here we are again with no other choice but to trust God and move forward. I am doing what they call a titration method which basically means that they have turned the pill into a liquid so that I can measure out whatever percentage necessary for each step down in the process. We are taking it so slow that it is going to take me a little over a year to get off of it. A few weeks ago, I was almost halfway there and we hit a wall, as in might have to go to the hospital wall or take more medicine and start from there. So I am in the process of getting stable and then off we go again! In the midst of that, I was offered the amazing honor of becoming the vocal director at our church! Yep, I was thinking the same thing you are..., " What?" We prayed and God said do it and that He would heal me as I go and it has been one of the most life giving things I have ever done. 

I promise all of that ties into what I'm trying to say today! My goal to be free from the grip of this drug, from the grip of the ongoing effects of  nerve damage in my body...to be able to drive again...it has come with a great price. I've been on a roller coaster of every known withdrawal symptom. Because of this and the life God has me in, I have had to sacrifice and pay a tremendous price to keep myself above the waves. Staying in the Word so I can win the battle spiritually, physically and mentally. I have had to stay extremely disciplined with my diet and exercising over the top. Ultimately keeping my mind renewed every moment of the day. This freedom doesn't feel free LOL! 

Just looking at my journey before a diagnosis, the things I've walked through and had to pay a price for and it only makes me think of the price that was paid so that I can even walk through what I've walked through with victory. The price that was paid, the ultimate price, Jesus, His life, crucified, died on the cross for ME. Freedom from death, hell and the grave. Freedom from sickness and disease because of the stripes He bore. Freedom from this world and the pain that comes and the ability to count it all joy. The only difference  in these freedoms is that I didn't have to pay the price, He did. 

Not only did He obtain eternal life for us but He continues to give freely to us through the power of the Holy Spirit who is our Helper and through His Word. Here's where we pay another price by way of SUBMISSION. INTENTIONALLY SUBMITTING TO THE HOLY SPIRIT AND THE WORD IS THE KEY TO VICTORY. 

Do you realize how many battles or shall we say freedoms we have lost just due to the fact that we haven't taken God at His word? The simple act of Ephesians 6:10-17 putting on the full armor of God? He has given us all the equipment, all the tools to face anything and everything. How incredible is that? 

We recently introduced our boys to the concept of literally armoring up and Parker, our eldest son, is so deep into this truth it's awesome and extremely challenging! He wakes up every day like a poster child for the armor of God and will walk into Chad and I and say, " Have you armored up? (pointing his finger at us like the picture of the salvation army poster guy.)" It's so awesome! While awesome, also annoying as in convicting. We were doing home school one morning and I was getting a bit irritated because it was taking a little to long to do a subject and Parker said to me, " Mom, did you put on your shoes of peace?" Oh no he didn't. Then he said, " I have my shoes of peace on me and I'm making them work for me." Hahahahahaha! This boy. So I had to repent and make mine work for me to! 

Freedom is ours. Serious freedom. Whether we feel it or not. We can over come and walk in freedom and victory. Live in freedom, count it all joy and walk an unshakable path. 

John 8:36, " So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." 

Let's take God at His Word! Let's be vocal and intentional about armoring up. Let's make Him Lord and submit and surrender to Him and walk by the Spirit of God therefore producing the fruits of the Spirit in our lives...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control. 

I'll leave you with a description of each piece of the armor of God the way we explained to our boys and it's the way I pray and equip myself every day: 

Helmet of Salvation:this is meant to protect our minds from the enemy and the thoughts that so easily over come us. 

Breast plate of Righteousness:so that our hearts can stay pure.

Belt of Truth:so that only truth enters our thoughts and we can walk in it.

Sandals or Shoes of Peace: so that we can be ready to go wherever God leads and walk in great peace knowing it is He who is leading us.

Shield of Faith: is our belief that Jesus will do what He says He will do.

Sword of the Spirit: The Word of God, sharper than any doubled edged sword. Helping us to divide between soul and spirit. It also helps us to use the other pieces of armor effectively because it renews our minds, keeps our hearts pure, helps us to walk in truth and peace and boost our faith! 

This is so simple to do that the enemy tries to make this process more difficult. DON'T LET HIM. Armor up and see how victorious life can be. 

Signing off for now...it was nice talking with you again :-)

The Good News sometimes feels like Bad News

Have  you ever opened the Word and started reading and thought, " Man, I get it and I see what God is trying to say and it's really good, but why doesn't it feel good?". Um, I have many times. We just got back from an incredibly restful week at my in-laws lake house. Most of you saw my two previous posts and know that I have been walking through a few things physically and had to make the choice to go on this vacation trusting God with all of it.

All week long there was a very familiar phrase that kept popping up in my spirit, " Consider it all joy..." This morning, as I was exercising and praying and worshiping, getting myself submitted to the Holy Spirit, that same phrase kept rising up in my spirit, " Consider it all joy...". I knew all last week what God was saying to me, but this morning, I dove right into James 1 and started reading.

James 1:2-8, " Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."

God reminded that when I was a teenager, and my mom can testify to this, that I plastered this verse on our refrigerator one day and it stayed there for many years. God has a way of bringing things back around. I wasn't going through the same things then as I am now obviously, but it's the same principle. I've read this passage many times over the years. 

What I'm trying to say is that God is requiring me to look at my circumstance and then at a much higher level, consider it ALL joy. I really thought I was doing this. Here again, another humbling encounter with God. He showed me that I am a good over comer and even good at persevering so that was encouraging. BUT, has my mind, my words and my actions shown that I am doing it with joy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! I really believe this is why I have been feeling so stuck where I am. Feeling like I can't hear the Holy Spirit clearly. Feeling like I'm not moving forward physically and spiritually. I know I am, but, it's that feeling that I'm hitting a wall. It's because of this, doing things out of my own strength and not seeking the wisdom of God and counting it all joy. 

You see, there is a difference between just overcoming and living in victory. We can't always overcome our issues completely, in other words, sometimes our issues just won't go away. And let me ask this very difficult question, what if they never do? Of course I believe and have hope that all my issues will be resolved while I still live on this earth. But I'm not the one who decides that. So what do I do in the meantime, what's my best chance of those issues being resolved here on earth? Well James 1 tells me my best chance is to consider it all joy and allow perseverance to finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

To live victoriously, we have to decide to consider it all joy. I don't want to lack anything. I really want and need everything that God wants me to have. In order to not live sick, think sick, plan sick, be sick, I have to consider it ALL joy.  

You Know That Moment When...

Your doctors can do nothing for you and you just have to continue to COMPLETELY trust God? Yep, that just happened. I had to write today to let all of you know as an update to my previous post that I spoke with my doctors and they, by law, were not able to prescribe anything for me without me being seen since it has been so long! HA! Coincidence? I think not! So if we want anything before we leave for vacation, I would have to go to an emergency room and that peace that passes all understanding is not there for that.

Before we called my doctor, Chad and I prayed for God's divine wisdom. We knew that there would be no harm in a phone call. We also knew that God would give us whatever answers He wanted to give us because we are totally submitted to Him.

In all honesty, when they told me there was nothing they could do for me at this time, I had a one minute moment of anxiety/frustration, then God brought me back to my favorite scripture right now:

Proverbs 3:5-8, " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and will direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes, but fear the Lord and depart from evil. It is health to your flesh and strength to your bones."

I could write this in all caps and bold every single word as it all applies to me every day!!! When this word arose in my spirit, I immediately stopped my mind from being anxious and just started thanking God for being faithful to His Word. Side note: It pays to hide the Word of God in your heart. You never know when you are going to need it;)

What's awesome is yesterday afternoon, my symptoms started to get better. WHAT?! Are they gone? No. But I believe in trusting in God and leaning on Him and His understanding and taking up that authority, He directed us to the right path, therefore bringing restoration to me. What we thought was wisdom, was not His wisdom and we asked Him to reveal that to us and He did. Can I just tell you, this has never happened to me when I have called my doctor. There was 3 days of confusion, this.never.happens. God shut that door. Now, I stand in a place of complete trust in Him once again with no other option. Easy, no. Peace that passes all understanding, yes.

I am continually amazed by Him and I have no doubts that my body is going to line up as I go. I am praising God for bringing wisdom to Chad and I. It's something that has been burning in our hearts to ask God for in every area of our lives recently. I feel break through coming and I am excited that God is real and He is for us and not against us(Romans 8:31)!

I pray that all of you will lean on Him and trust Him no matter what's happening. Thank you for praying for us. Please continue, don't back down, we need all of you!

Happy 2 Year Anniversary

Wow! How time flies when you finish homeschooling a 5 year old and Summer time hits! I cannot believe that it's been since April that I last wrote to all of you. We have definitely had one wild and crazy summer! Traveling, some time home, then traveling some more, then some more time home and then traveling again next week! I even had the incredible opportunity to fly out to California, on my own, to visit my best friend. It was a huge mountain physically and spiritually that God allowed me to move!

To get to the real point of this blog, it's the 2 year anniversary of me being off of ms medications! Praise God! I will forever mark this day as the day God healed me of ms. I have to write to give all the glory to God and remind all of you, if you need reminding, that He is a faithful Healer.
He is also faithful to make us more like Him every day if we are faithful to die to ourselves and allow this process to happen. And that, my friends, is something I praise Him for everyday, but also the hardest part of this process by far.

You see, even though I don't doubt that God has healed me from ms, for the last two years, I have still and am still fighting off symptoms that try to tell me otherwise. I have to be real with you, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed tears whether they be joyful or out of frustration. I wonder sometimes if the tears of frustration will ever leave me.

Then I realize, that with every tear of frustration, God replaces it with a promise from His Word that in turn produces perseverance, endurance, death to myself and more glory for Him because I am submitting and becoming more like Him.

Even now as I type, I am waiting on my neurologist, whom I haven't had to call in 2 years, to prescribe a round of steroids for me because of a neurological issue that I have been fighting for over a month now. You might be thinking, " Well you said you were healed." Well, I am! I still believe that ms is not in operation, but ms left some damage that only God can reverse and that damage has been hanging over me. I wish I could say it was all gone. And I only tell you it's not so that if you are walking through something and God hasn't taken all the pain and suffering away, you can still hang onto whatever He has promised you and have the knowledge and faith that He has healed you from WHATEVER you may be walking through. It doesn't have to be physical. It can be spiritual, emotional or physical.

The only thing that keeps me afloat everyday, when I say everyday, I mean everyday, is the Word of God.

Isaiah 40:31, " But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles,they shall run and not be weary,they shall walk and not faint." 

Things I am really thankful for as I am continuing to walk this road is that I no longer doubt God's promises. I trust Him and His Word with all of my heart no matter what my body feels. Also conquering, for the most part, fear and anxiety when something does arise. I can honestly tell you that being anxious is just a major waste of energy and time! If God is God, well...you see.

I am in the process of learning what authority God has given to me here on this earth. I am also still and will always be in the process of dying to myself. "Take up your cross daily and follow Me." (Luke 9:23)

So, HAPPY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY! I celebrate Him and all He is doing. I celebrate who He is making me to be. I celebrate my sweet Jesus Christ, who sacrificed Himself to save me and that deserves all my focus, my attention and my life!

Here's to another year of complete restoration and freedom!